The Split Between Sexuality and the Heart

When we are children, if we do not feel loved and affirmed for who we are - or if something gets in the way of the expression of our own love - a hole is breached inside of us; and it widens as we grow and adapt to the outside world. But it stops feeling like the painful wound that it is. It begins to feel like nothing at all. This protective numbness helps us to cope with life, perhaps, but in doing so it creates a split inside that keeps us from feeling whole. One of the major ways that this can manifest is as a debilitating separation between sexuality and feelings - between desire and the heart.

This conflict is widened and further complicated in puberty. Boys, in particular, lose much of their sensitivity to feeling as their minds and bodies are flooded with hormones in the rush towards adolescence. It becomes harder to discriminate between affection and lust. It won't be long before a teenager may be making major life choices (i.e., whether to marry, have children, etc.) out of that place of confusion. The consequences of the split between sexuality and the heart have left their mark on our society in so many prominent ways: the high incidence of divorce, broken families, absent fathers, and unhappy and/or abusive marriages. The effects are so pervasive, in fact, that they seem like inherent facts of life rather than symptoms of an illness in human beings.

Puberty is not the only culprit, however. As big a factor in creating this devastating split is a person's overall sense of self-worth. Sexuality, when experienced naturally and without shame, is an expression of all that a person is. But the hormonal aspect of sex is so powerful that it demands release regardless of whether or not a person is in touch with - and accepting of - his or her feelings.

So, desire runs rampant without the heart to guide it along healthy channels. But the problem here is not the sexual impulse - which is natural and necessary - but rather an overall lack of feeling. Much sexual dysfunction and confusion is healed when a person simply gets in touch with his or her feelings. Self-acceptance is the key. If we don't like or accept ourselves, we're likely to explore sexuality in so many ways that run contrary to what we really want. We may find ourselves attracted to people whom we don't care about, feeling uncomfortable with intimacy and commitment, and/or experiencing difficulties performing sexually.

Healing the rift that exists, for so many of us, between sexual desire and the heart involves reclaiming those feelings that were lost when first our hearts closed down. This may involve opening up to pain - from childhood, adolescence, or adulthood - and maybe joy as well, if we've lived our lives thus far feeling undeserving of it. Whatever those unfelt feelings may be for each of us, they carry energy that can melt the protective numbness around our hearts and allow us to experience sex with our whole being: heart and desire, acting as one.