The Stages of Grief and Loss

Grief and loss is a natural, normal experience that all humans go through. It is also a very large anxiety inflicting subject that many try to avoid, even when they are faced with it. The emotions associated with grief and loss are normal feelings that everyone has to deal with at some point. It can be triggered by almost anything, the most common being death, but there are many other factors that can instill the feeling of grief or loss within a person. In this paper, the nature of death, grief and other loss will be discussed and compared to the stages that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross discussed in the book On Death and Dying. It is the goal of this paper to prove that the stages that Kubler-Ross came up with specifically for a dying patient can be used by anyone in any loss situation. In order to do this, I will describe each stage, and how it can be used in two different scenarios other than death. Kubler-Ross's studies on the grieving and loss process were accurate but she did not realize that they can be used for almost anything. She concentrated solely on the death process and her work can be used for so much more.

The first stage that Kubler-Ross mentions is denial (Kubler-Ross, 38). This is the initial shock and disbelief phase. In this stage it is common for people to find it hard to believe that the event has taken place (Memorial Hospital). People have a tendency to try and justify their denial. One example Kubler-Ross uses is that one patient kept continually arguing that the X-Rays were not hers and her charts were actually someone else's with her name on it (Kubler-Ross, 38). This stage has also led to people doing outrageous and often bizarre behavior. When people pass away, their loved ones do not believe that the situation has actually occurred and resort to extreme measures to keep the deceased with them and preserve them (Archer, 68). Denial is very common when it comes to death but may also show itself in other situations. For example, when one loses their job, they will more than likely be in denial at one point that there are now unemployed. Having a job has so much impact on one's life that they may say things to the extent of "this cannot be happening," or "I cannot believe that this is happening to me." These feelings also come with the loss of a close relationship, i.e. a romantic relationship. They are in denial of the situation which they are now in. It takes overcoming this stage for a person to be able to move on to one of the other stages and to find a solution.

The next stage that Kubler-Ross mentions is anger. After one gets over the initial denial of the situation they become angry at it. They fight against what they now know is true. With death, people have been known to get physically violent with doctors delivering bad news, or to punch walls (Archer, 70). In the case of someone losing their job, they may be angry at themselves for letting it happen, even if there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it (Memorial Hospital). People have a tendency to place undue blame when they are grieving a loss. In the instance of someone losing their job, they start to blame their superiors, or other employees, even if they know that their work was not up to par. The same thing can be said for the loss of a romantic relationship. One may place undue blame on themselves or on the other party involved. "What could I/they have done different," "what did I do to deserve this," "they deserve this." This may also bring up unresolved issues from their past, that may feed the blame and anger. Kubler-Ross has an interview in her book that describes a woman, who was one of ten children, dealing with the fact she had Hodgkin's disease. She started to feel angry at her situation because those she loved were never there for her and felt like an outsider in her own family. This fueled some of the anger and blame she was already feeling (Kubler-Ross 57-79). These are all common in the anger stage.

Bargaining is the next phase that Kubler-Ross discusses (Kubler-Ross, 82). In this stage, people try to take away the pain they are feeling at the loss. They try to bargain, especially with God, who they feel is the only person who can change what happened (Memorial Hospital). "If I promise to never ask for anything again, will you reverse what happened?" Again, very common with death, but people use it for the loss of employment and the loss of a relationship too. Many people become angry and take their frustration out on God in the anger stage, that didn't take away the loss or grief so they tend to think, "It didn't wok being angry, so maybe if I ask nicely God will reverse what happened" (Kubler-Ross, 82). Bargaining it a final attempt at changing the situation before you come to truly believe it is real. It is a last attempt at hope, one at which no one ever comes out of bargaining without disappointment.

One of the biggest and most influential stages that Kubler-Ross discusses is the depression stage (Kubler-Ross, 85). In this stage, which can easily be intermingled with the other stages, people feel despair and anxiety over the situation at hand (Archer, 89). This is a specific stage that people go through, however it can easily be brought on by any of the other stages named above. In regards to death, this stage can almost make or break someone, to show what someone is truly made of. This is by far the hardest stage to get through due to it basically being an extension of each of the other stages (Archer, 90). This can also be connected to unemployment and loss of romantic relationship, because at times people feel that they cannot move on, they cannot live without what they lost. People have a tendency to lose their appetite, suffer from insomnia, and lose interest in their favorite activities (Archer, 90). Only time can heal someone so that they can move onto the final stage.

The final stage in the grieving/loss process that Kubler-Ross discussed in On Death and Dying is final acceptance (Kubler-Ross, 112). In this stage, the other stages have lessened their affect on the person and they accept the finality of the situation (Memorial Hospital). In time, most people are able to heal enough to go on with their everyday lives, but never forget. They never truly forget the affect that the loss had on them, but they learn a lot about themselves as a result. In the example of someone losing their job, they accept the fact that they have to start over, and a lot of people use it as a learning experience and to possibly better themselves by returning to school or training for a new career. In the aspect of losing a close relationship, people realize that they were just in a comfort zone with that person, and that they can function on their own. With death, people learn to realize that even though their loved one may be gone, they will forever be with us in our hearts and memories. People eventually learn to treasure these memories and smile when they think of their loved one. Final acceptance of a situation is what everyone subconsciously strives for, because once someone accepts the finality of the situation they can truly heal and the pain will dissipate.

Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross was a true psychology pioneer. The five stages that she discussed in her book are subjects that have plagued humans since the beginning of time, but she was able to put down in words. It is through her research and her books that we can now put a name to the emotions that are felt after a loss. She has made it easier for humans to understand that what we go through at these hard points of our lives are natural, and by doing so she has made the losses that humans feel easier to cope with. She wrote about these stages as ways for a patient to cope with impending death; however they can be used for so much more. As explained in this paper with the example of job loss and loss of a romantic relationship, these emotions are vital to the healing process of any loss. Knowing how these stages work, and what is to be expected in each, give hope and light at the end of the tunnel for those who are in desperate need of it. Whether it be a patient who is about to die, someone who lost a limb, a job, a romantic partner, car, home, or anything else that would be considered a major loss, these stages are the backbone of the process all humans go through. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Final Acceptance, at first glance, these are just words, verbs, but to those who are in pain of a loss, these are words of hope, these are words that they can relate to. At the time in our lives where we feel like we have hit rock bottom, this is exactly what people need.

Works Cited
"The Stages of Grief." Memorial Hospital of Towanda, Pennsylvania. 2006. Memorial Hospital, Inc. 21 Feb 2008

Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. On Death and Dying. New York: Macmillian Publishing Co., Inc, 1969.

Archer, John. The Nature of Grief: The Evolution and Psychology of Reactions of Loss. New York: Brunner-Routledge, 1999.