The Stages of Grief - Sharing My Experiences

Losing a loved one is very difficult. Whether it's a parent, friend or even a beloved pet, grief can be complicated. Throughout my lifetime, I've experienced the death of many family members, friends and pets. I'm hoping to share some of these experiences in order to help those going through the process now. I've had time to reflect back on my losses and understand them better. I'm not a doctor or therapist. I'm just someone wanting to reach out and help those grieving now.

If you've read some of my other articles, you probably know that my dad died when I was sixteen from ALS. Losing him is probably the best example of dealing with grief that I can possibly give. But don't think that I haven't lost others. When I was thirteen, I lost a cousin to a drunk driver. He was about six years older than I was and I absolutely adored him. He was a star football player for his small town team and had just graduated high school. Not only was he killed, but his girlfriend and another couple lost their lives as well. Moving down the road a few years, when in my early twenties, I experienced the loss of my paternal grandfather to pancreatic cancer, followed six months later by the loss of my maternal grandfather to a series of small strokes and Parkinson's Disease. Two years later, my maternal grandmother passed away from complications related to diabetes. I've also lost friends to car wrecks over the years. Most recently, my husband and I lost a friend to a strange and rare disease, which I've also written about.

Don't believe that you can just grieve about family and friends, though. I am a strong pet lover - especially dogs. Having this passion for canines can be painful, though, since they don't live as long as we do. I know a lot of people believe they are "just pets", but I feel stronger about it. My pets are a part of the family, each one with his or her distinct personality. Each one has a place in the family - the guardian, the comedian, the entertainer, the annoying one, the lovable one and so on. Just over a week ago, we lost our Anatolian Shepherd named Honey. This has been a devastating loss to our family. She was our guardian and best friend. She was the one you could always depend on seeing in the window when you pulled up in the driveway. She was the one that had that bark that said, "don't mess with my family or you'll have to deal with me". A couple of months ago, we found out she had cancer. It took her life quickly. Dealing with the loss of Honey has been the same as dealing with the loss of my dad. It may not take me as long to move through the process, but I still have to move through it before I can move on with my life.

The first step in grief is denial. Depending on what type of situation you are dealing with, this one can stay with you for a long time. You may deny that the person is sick to begin with or even deny that they are gone. I remember denying the fact that Daddy was sick. No way, I remember thinking, it's just not happening. I also remember when Grandal, my cousin, was killed. His death was so sudden and unexpected that it took months before I accepted it. Driving down the highway, coming home after his funeral, I can remember looking out the window of the car, thinking, he'll show up. This is just some sick joke of his. I thought that if I would just close my eyes, he'd be there when I opened them up. I had a lot of dreams of him showing up unexpectedly and apologizing for being gone. I guess because he was so young and was taken so violently, I just couldn't accept it. But, after a long time, I realized that he was really gone and would not be coming back. Just like I had to accept the fact that Daddy was sick and I couldn't ignore the truth. Denial is a difficult first step, but it must be taken in order to move on through the process.

The second step is anger. This one also varies in how long you will stay this way. After Daddy died, I stayed angry for years. I can't say exactly how long, but it's been 22 years now and I no longer feel the anger I once did. The focus of your anger will change, also. I was angry at Dad, then Mom, then God. I blamed God for a long time and stayed angry with Him longer than I did Mom or Dad. You'll have the thoughts "How could You do this to me?" and "It's Your fault he's gone!" but no matter how angry you get at God or whoever else, it doesn't change what happened. I also had a very long anger spell with my cousin. The song by Phil Collins "How could you just turn and walk away?... Just leave without a trace?......" came out around the time of Grandal's death. It was my anthem for a long time. I was angry with Grandal for leaving me. It was his fault for dying and I hadn't given him permission to do so! How could he? Then my anger moved to God once again for letting it happen. Finally, my anger fell on the right person, the drunk driver. I'm not sure how I feel about him now. I don't feel as much anger now as I did back then, but I also have never forgiven him. And yes, I know his name, but no, I won't publish it. I do understand now that the man made a serious mistake and will have to answer to God some day. I do find peace in knowing that justice will come from God - if the man hasn't ever asked for forgiveness of his sins. Part of me wants him to find that peace for what he did, but part of me wants him to burn in Hell for it. I guess that's just still the process I'm going through all these years later. Like I said, there isn't a time limit on any of these stages. They can also be revisited time and again. It's just a process that goes on and on.

The third step is bargaining. Like, "Hey, God, I'll do anything you want me to do if you'll just let Daddy live." or "God, please! Bring Grandal back and I promise to be the best Christian ever!" Yes, those come from my process of grief. Funny how as I write this article, a lot of emotion is coming back. I didn't realize it would be so strong. But bargaining was really important to me at these times of my life. I thought it would work and of course, it doesn't. You can't bargain with God or anyone if it's their time to go. I also bargained with God to save Honey's life. Laying in bed at night, my prayer would be that he would heal her and I'd do anything he wanted. Yeah, I know, bargaining for a dog, that's crazy, but you didn't know my Honey. This is a strange step in the process, but a necessary one. It makes a person feel like they are dong something to change the situation, to make it better, by bargaining. Some people will try to bargain with money (if they have it). Asking the doctors to do whatever they can to save the life and they'll get compensated well for it. Again, that doesn't work. If the life is to be lost, it's to be lost and we can't do anything to change that.

The fourth step is depression. Boy, can I tell you about this one! For over twenty years I've suffered from depression. At first, I had no idea what was going on. Back in the '80's, when Grandal and Daddy died, depression was not talked about. It was not okay to have it and it was not okay to treat it. Thank goodness that mind set has changed a lot. I still know some people that believe it's best swept under the rug, but there are so many more that believe it must be dealt with. My mom never put my sister and I into therapy when Dad died. Looking back now, she should have. I know that if I had to do it all over again, I would have put myself into therapy! The high school counselors never even came to talk to me about his death. That's really strange! I don't think I'll ever understand why. I didn't get any help at school in dealing with his death. The best therapy I got was from Purple Passion - I don't think they even make that drink anymore! My weekends were spent drunk for a long time. That's how my friends helped me deal with his death. "Give her alcohol and everything will be okay!" No, my friends idea of therapy didn't help, either. In fact, the drinking just made things worse. I never got arrested or in trouble because of it, but it sure didn't do anything to make me feel any better. My friends also would just tell me, "It's been three weeks since your dad died. Get over it!" What? Of course, that's immaturity talking. My friends had no idea what to do - that was right anyway. It's not their fault. They hadn't been taught how to deal with it, either. Now, depression is looked at so differently. I take Zoloft everyday to help me. I know a lot of people feel that drugs cause more problems, but with me, they help so much. My doctor is great, years ago, I went to see her and just fell apart. She knew I needed help - more than just talking about it. I've been on Zoloft ever since. I describe my depression as my "little black cloud". It just storms over me all of the time if I'm not on Zoloft, but with it, my cloud goes away. I have a light at the end of the tunnel and I can think clearly. I am a much more positive person now because of it. I do believe that my depression stems from losing Daddy all those years ago. It turned my life upside down and I can't help but think of how different my life would be today if he were still alive. With the medicine, I can deal with those thoughts much better. I don't just curl up and wish to die. I still have my days when bad things happen that I may spend crying - like losing Honey - but now, I can cry, get it out of my system and pick up the pieces and move on. Before, I just couldn't. I also find writing to be very therapeutic. I started out writing in a journal and now I write here on AC. By writing here, I feel I can share my experiences and help others and that makes me feel so much better. Reading is another way to deal with depression. Read everything you can to get help! There are great books and articles out there to help you understand and deal with what you're going through. And of course, talk! Even if you don't have a counselor, find a friend, spouse, ANYONE to talk to! My husband has been my counselor for 18 years now! When we first married, all he listened to was about my dad. I'd fall asleep at night on him crying and talking about Dad. Now, it's not as necessary. We still talk about him, but it's a lot different now. I wish my husband had had the opportunity to know Daddy, and that's still hard to accept at times, but it's okay. I know that I can talk about Daddy without crying now (as much) and my husband understands that I just need to say it. Things like "Daddy would love it here!" or "Daddy would have loved his grandchildren so much!" It's all part of the therapy that needs to be dealt with. Depression is a stage that you may never leave when dealing with grief, but just understand that it can be dealt with and that it does get better!

Finally, acceptance is the last stage. It's been a long, hard process, but you'll make it. I guess when I finally accepted that Grandal was gone and was not coming back, I was able to accept his death. It was hard, though. I was so young when he died, I used to fantasize him walking through the door with his beautiful smile on and saying, "I'm back and I'll never leave this family again!" Accepting that it wouldn't ever happen was a very important part in the healing process. Just like having to accept that Daddy was gone and couldn't come back. Accepting the death doesn't mean that you have to close the door and forget them. That would be the worse thing you could ever do. Accept their death with the realization that some day you'll see them again. I'm a Christian and my belief in Heaven has pulled me through all of my losses. By letting go of your loved one, you give them the freedom to move on. Just think, they are no longer in pain. Yes, it's hard and you want to go back to denial and anger, but take a deep breath and think about it. By having something to believe in, such as Heaven, it helps in easing the pain. I have an elderly neighbor that lived through World War II. She's from Czechoslovakia. She's told me some horrific stories of trying to get out of Europe during the war. She has my respect - I don't think I would have made it. But, I also feel a great sadness for her. She's very bitter and tells me over and over again that there is no God. She harbors anger that just boils up within her. Anger that if there was a God, He never would have let the war happen. It's so sad that she feels that way. She doesn't believe there is a Heaven. She believes that once you die, that's it. I feel that you have to believe in the afterlife. Without it, what is the purpose of this life? Yes, we all have anger at one time or another towards God, but you must release it. In order to find peace and acceptance of the things we cannot control and cannot understand, you must believe in a higher power. God has heard a lot of bad things from me, I'm not the perfect Christian. But, who's to say a perfect Christian exists? My point is to understand it's not over because of death. You must accept that this part of their life is over, but rejoice in the fact that they have started a new life elsewhere. Even with Honey, I believe she's in a better place. I also believe that once I die, I will be rejoined with all of my loved ones, dogs included!

The list of stages of grief may be short: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, but they do take a long time to process. Remember that each one has to be dealt with and you may have to go back and revisit a stage again before being able to accept the death. Even if you don't believe in a higher power, you'll have to go through these stages. I just believe that by believing in God, it strengthens you and gives you hope. Again, I'm not a professional counselor, doctor, or anything like that. My advice is here to help by just speaking to you as a real person who has experienced the death of loved ones. I know that my experience is not over, I still have a huge family and lots of friends, so my risk at losing someone will always be there. But, what is life without risk? What is life without love? It all goes together to give us an experience on this earth that is unique to each one of us. As you move through your grieving process, each stage will be unique to you. Uniqueness is what makes this world such a fascinating place! I just hope that my experience has helped you.