The Stealth Campaign for President

Earlier this month, readers of this column were introduced to the unannounced, word-of-mouth campaign for President/Emperor of your humble columnist. Many readers have posted comments and questions seeking more details about this exciting political development.

Okay, nobody has posted any comments, nor have they asked any questions of the candidate, but they darn well should have. Wake up, Mr. and Mrs. and Ms. and God Knows What America! It is time to stand up and take back this great land of ours, and the best way to do that is to elect me President/Emperor so that I can rule the smallest details of your lives - for your own good, of course.

It is with this goal (world domination) in mind that I bring you up to date with the latest developments in the campaign for a better America and a richer Bill Field. The campaign is currently in stealth mode; too stealthy, some may say. Fear not, my legion (all two or three of you) of faithful supporters. This is all part of my master campaign plan. Let the big shot politicians slug it out on the big political stage, I say. Let the fat-cat politicians make all of the promises, commit all of the gaffes, conduct all of the handshakes, and gather all of the headlines. Let them kiss the babies, I say, and wipe the spittle off of their five thousand dollar suits and out of their six hundred dollar haircuts. Let them eat the rubber chicken dinners and drink the two or three pots of really bad coffee every day.

None of that mainstream foofrooall for this candidate of the future. This campaign has already been conducted in the bar rooms of America. The word has been spoken and the word has been heard. Elect me President/Emperor. I'll take care of the rest. Now, you might be asking yourself, "Exactly, where does Bill Field stand on the pressing issues of today?" That is exactly where I stand on the issues. Elect me President. I will finish the transition of the Office of the President into Emperor of the United States, begun by my esteemed predecessors, and then all of your problems will be solved. This is the heart and soul of my "Do As I Say" campaign. It also simplifies my campaign in numerous ways, such as:

1) Easy to finance. Just spend enough money on frosty libations to facilitate the formation of discussion groups in the local tavern. These discussion groups are the building blocks for the grassroots awareness campaign groups of the future. They are also the crucial platforms designed to get to the crux of mankind's most vexing problems. I know that I, personally, have participated in many of these early morning (4AM, 5AM, 6AM, I'm never drinking again) discussion groups and I, personally, have solved most of the world's problems during these discussions.

2) Campaign security. Not necessary. Keeping the campaign crowds to a minimum (three to five people) cuts down on the need for private security. There is also no need to worry about your message prematurely peaking, leaking, and drifting. Most bartenders keep the details of your conversations private. In my case, they usually prefer to forget the conversations, but that's another story. Just wait until I'm Emperor. That'll change their tunes.....to a much higher pitch, if you catch my drift.

3) Campaign travel. Again, not necessary. Join a few bar room discussions in the wee hours and the word will spread. Trust me on this.

4) Endorsements. I can count on my forty-two fingers at 6AM, the endorsements of many a fine fellow discussion group member in the local tavern. I can also find many of my future Ministers In Charge of Making People Toe the Line within these discussion groups.

So keep up the high spirits (har!) and keep the faith. Your future leader may be stealthy, but his campaign is on track and coming soon to a saloon near you. Cheers. Vote. Vote often. Vote for me.