The Steve Forbes Coon Story

The controversy between the strengths of tycoons versus racoons is on again as witnessed by Steve Forbes being identified as a tycoon...I did not know this. As far as tycoons go he's a good tycoon because he has some racoon qualities, but he's short on tycoon paraphernalia such as that scary bulk, dark swarthy complexion and identifiable fear-inducing qualities or behaviors to be more accurate.

Racoons, as we know, are very low on the tycoon scale since their one rotten-varmint quality is nothing but petty theft; as we all know tycoons are associated with large scale theft by most people who are queried about it. Pilfering garbage cans is really annoying, but tycoons are of course associated with large scale theft.

Steve Forbes of course is not in leg-breaking tycoon company...can you imagine anyone from the polite suburbs being a leg breaker. Racoons have that too-cute-to-be-real face so if you want to be a tycoon AND fool people a raccon is your man or varmint. What would be the point of being a tycoon, though, if you can't act the part. A racoon-tycoon partnership is unlikely ever to happen.

Yet Steve Forbes was identified as a tycoon on always-reliable 24-hour television. So reliable! ?

On a tycoon scale I'd have to put him below half way up that scale...maybe a 4 or 4.5 is a fair number on a 1 to 10 scale. Let's say 4.5. Tycoons, of course, are wealthy which is perhaps half of the trip to a perfect 10 score for tycoons.

The racoon-like qualities of Steve Forbes make him a bad tycoon but a pretty good racoon. I'd give him a 5.5 on the same 1 to 10 scale for racoons. Racoons of course are master petty pilferers or thieves; as I see it if you're a good racoon then you're a bad tycoon. The more petty thievery you do the less tycoon-like you are.

Steve Forbes looks more like a hungry racoon than a rabidly hungry tycoon. I don't think Steve Forbes eats from garbage cans yet I don't think he steals massive amounts of food either. That's why I think Steve Forbes is a racoon and not a tycoon: by a score of 5.5 to 4.5 Steve Forbes is a racoon.

I feel good about my decision to identify Steve Forbes as a racoon.