The Stupid Offhand Remark

You say something stupid, something you instantly regret. The woman you love more than anyone else in the world is offended, appalled, surprised, and, angry. She calls you on your inanity - rightly - and you make it worse by attempting to explain. Not defend, really, but that's how it inevitably comes across. This second poor choice, this second offhand tactic simply raises the stakes. It's now effectively the addition of insult to the original injury. How insult? It implies that the first inane, regrettable, and, ultimately offensive remark can be excused in some manner when it, of course, cannot be, can never be.

Let's pause for a moment to consider the definition of offhand. The Oxford American Dictionary provides two primary definitions: As an adjective, "ungraciously or offensively nonchalant or cool in manner;" and, as an adverb, "without previous thought or consideration." They both apply aptly to the titular remark. Without consideration and offensively nonchalant both pretty much sum up what happened on the deck that night when you really put your foot in it big time. Consulting The Oxford American Thesaurus yields a wide array of words and phrases that quite adequately describe your gauche behavior. Here are a few: casual, careless, uninterested, unconcerned, indifferent, nonchalant, blasé, cavalier, glib, cursory, unceremonious, ungracious, dismissive, discourteous, uncivil, impolite, terse, abrupt, curt, couldn't-care-less, and its first cousin, take-it-or-leave-it. There are more: without preparation, without consideration, extempore (which is one of the few words that makes this sort of gaffe sound nicer that it ever ought to), extemporaneously, or, the informal trio of off the cuff, off the top of one's head, and, just like that.

You at long last realize that an explanation is not really possible and won't help your case any. Perhaps you recall your mother's old adage, "Excuses satisfy only their makers," which, in fact, you've often had trouble with due to your keen observation that they rarely even accomplish that minor goal. Rather, they tend to satisfy neither the excuse maker nor the listener of said generally lame or at the very least pointless excuse. Excuse having been excused you move on to the only tenable position - you apologize.

God help you if this apology is not sincere. An insincere apology raises the tension level to something akin to DEFCON 2, which you might recall has only been declared once, during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Not a situation you wish to emulate. And, the truth is that even when your apology is deeply sincere and accepted as such, you are still writhing about in some pretty hot and dangerous waters. You have not merely upset the apple cart, you've flipped it over, you've upset the delicate equilibrium that calibrates a marriage, or any other significant relationship. Once misaligned, once shaken like this, the return to equilibrium is arduous and treacherous. The path toward healing and a restoration of equilibrium is one you will need to navigate with skill, patience, empathy, compassion, and, perhaps above all, forethought; which is, of course, that which the lack thereof got you into this pickle in the first place. Step carefully. Look where you're going. And develop an appetite for crow. You'll need it.

Sincere apology issued, controversial topic your reprehensible gaffe brought to the fore rigorously and comprehensively examined and analyzed long into the night, you wonder how you will escape this seemingly intractable morass. In the cold hard lack of light that constitutes three-thirty AM you might find yourself in despair; certain that there is no way out, no exit to be found. Neither retreat nor surrender seem they will provide the longed for reconciliation. What to do?

Wait. Reluctantly and silently agree to sleep in separate beds for the evening, allowing the decision to be hers and hers alone. Clamber up the stairs and survey the wreckage of the night while vainly attempting asleep. When exhaustion finally overtakes you, and it will, sleep will arrive but do not expect the normal comfort sleep provides. This sleep will not heal your self-inflicted wound.

What does eventually heal this stupidest of all kinds of wounds is the feeling of your wife's arms encircling you in the morning. Her voice asking, "Can I hold you?" Her kisses on your back and the feel of her body when you roll over and hug her tightly. And as profoundly good as this healing feels you must always remember and never forget that it's not the end. It's merely the first step in the re-establishment or re-creation of that delicate equilibrium, that fragile contract that binds you together.

Remember your offhand remark, its remarkable insensitivity, its utter and complete lack of thought, and, its painful consequences. Resolve to be more sensitive at all times. Resolve to embrace empathy more fully, more constantly. And, for God's sake - whatever you do, remember to never again suggest... On second thought, it isn't something you should repeat in public.