The Subject was Boobs

Okay, here's a legitimate question from a confused, middle-aged male that has plagued humankind since the dawn of time:

Can I look at boobs or not? I mean, is it politically correct to do so in this day and age, or should I keep doing what men have been doing since humans have been upright (and also walking upright), and that's sneaking glimpses whenever I get a chance?

I
'll be honest with you; I don't know the correct answer to that! Is it okay, or should I be embarrassed by looking and by WANTING to look?

Look, yesterday I was watching a women's beach volley ball tournament on ESPN, and I was really getting into the . . .sport, and these girls were wearing mere strings for clothing!

(WHOOPS! Is it okay to call them "girls" now? They call themselves "girls". You know, stuff like, "You go, girl!" and "Girls rule!" I dunno. Maybe not, huh? Maybe humans with penises still have to call humans without penises "women". Even though it's perfectly all right by me when Mary says, are going out with the boys tonight?"Again, I'm not sure.)

Here's an honest question: Is there an athletic reason for such skimpy attire? Does wearing next to nothing give women a more powerful serve? (Men beach volleyball players wear baggy shorts and tank tops of loose-fitting shirts. It is only the women who prefer to painted into their uniforms.)

Do clothes that show every single body crack and dimple allow a person to dive more aggressively after the ball?

And at the gym, does wearing spandex add to the workout? If so, I'll get me some of that, because I work out in sweats or shorts and a tee shirt.

Is there a sound, athletic reason for these skin-tight togs, Or are they worn simply to make the wearers into eye candy?

Whenever I watch . . . sports. . . like volleyball, I get embarrassed if I get caught. Really. I quickly switch the channel every time my wife walks into the room. I've gotten really good at that.

However, every once in a while, she catches me napping, and she surprises me with a quick and sudden entrance. When that happens, I feign intense interest in the sport by doing something like leaning forward in my chair, pounding my fist on my knee, and exclaiming something like, "Wow! What an INCREDIBLE save!"

I've learned that the whole secret to the looking when I encounter amply-endowed woman in a halter top coming at me in public. The secret is strictly eye movement. You can move your eyes, but you must keep your head looking straight ahead. Don't turn it even one centimeter to the right or the left.

Some women get . . . offended . . . if you look at them.

"What are YOU looking at?"

"What the hell do you think I'm looking at? I'm looking at what you're presenting to the world. That's what I'm looking at! Sheesh!"

But, no matter what I say or do to justify the looking, I still feel like a pervert for doing it. (However, I must say that the guilt I feel has yet to be a deterrent to my actions!)

In my lifetime, we have gone from seeing women, and women seeing themselves, as June Cleavers and Betty Crockers to Billie Jean Kings and Gloria Steinems. Women, through much courageous struggle, have morphed from smiling housewives and sex objects to business people and equals. (At least in public.)

Now, I think I see the trend reversing to Jessica Simpsons & Sarah Palins. And this trend is being spearheaded by women!

I
was on a college campus recently with a woman friend of mine, and we passed a young female student wearing a skin-tight, translucent, pink tee-shirt that said, "I'm proud to be a c..k-teaser!"

My friend, who is anything but a prude, sighed and said, "My God! All of the Women's Liberation battles of the sixties and seventies has come to this!"

I pretended to be appalled also. I grimaced and shook my head in disgust and muttered something inaudible but very "I'm aghast!"-sounding under my breath. But, the truth be known, except for the verbiage, I kind of liked what I saw.

Everywhere I go now, I see breasts and other parts of the female anatomy prominently displayed, and that makes me glad I was born a man. (I watched that volleyball match on ESPN yesterday for over two hours. I was glued to the set, and I couldn't tell you what the score was, who won the match, or who was playing. I could, however, tell you exactly what they were wearing - pretty much nothing!)

And young women are defending themselves by saying things like "There is absolutely nothing wrong with sexuality! Why do older folks get so uptight about it?"

Well, this is one "older folk" who happens to agree with those "new" sentiments! But still, as a creature who is burdened with a penis, I am a bit perplexed.

Suddenly, it's worse to be considered a prude than a sexual deviant? Is not looking worse than looking? (I don't think so, judging from some of the disgusted looks that come back to me from the wearers of such clothing when I embarrassingly get caught looking!)

So, again, here are my questions:

Is it okay to look or not?

Is it okay for me to like what I see?

Is it okay that I'm a heterosexual male?

If I get caught looking, will I be scowled at and thought of as a pervert or a sexist pig? Will the woman wearing the high-beam-enhancing tube top be offended by my noticing? If so, why the hell is she wearing those neon clothes in the first place?

I don't know.

(*sigh!*) Life is so confusing to me!