The Super Bowl is Over...Now What?

As a somewhat adept, semi-professional purveyor of the written word, I've decided to expand my literary horizons in order that I might help you, the reader, to live a more full and productive life. It is with great pleasure therefore, that I introduce a new feature which will appear every now again which I call, Possibly Reliable Medical Information From a Person Whose Signature Resembles a Doctor's. Today's inaugural topic is an affliction currently being suffered by millions of men around the country; an affliction not well understood by those who do not suffer from it. I am referring to, of course, Traumatic Post-Super Bowl Withdrawal Syndrome (TPSBWS). I will address this life-altering illness using the well-known Q&A format.

(Warning: The author of this column in not a doctor, nor does he play one on television. Any advice offered in this space should be considered merely a guess, and should be weighed against the guesses of one or more physician-type persons.)

Q: What is Traumatic Post-Super Bowl Withdrawal Syndrome (TPSBWS)?
A: TPSBWS is a severe disorder which afflicts millions of football fans every February, leaving them unable to cope with Sundays and Mondays. It often paralyzes its victims, usually adult men, with mind-numbing depression, nightmares, and a desire to sue their cable operator because it charges extra for the NFL Network.

Q: What are the symptoms of TPSBWS?
A: The most common symptom of the disorder is a blank stare on the face of the patient, similar to President Obama's face when the teleprompter stops working. This symptom usually begins mildly on Sunday morning and progressively gets worse throughout the day. Accompanying the blank look may be an iron-tight grip on the TV remote control followed by endless hours of channel surfing, which may or may not end on the QVC shopping channel. TPSBWS sufferers may also mumble continuously under their breath, "There's nothing on...there's nothing on."

Q: What causes TPSBWS?
A: TPSBWS is caused by the sudden end of the football season, accompanied by the inability of some men to realize that figure skating is indeed a real sport. Some experts think there may be a link between the football gene in men and the blond gene in woman, but this is unconfirmed.

Q: Is there any treatment for the disorder?
A; Yes.

Q: Would you care to elaborate?
A: Oh...sorry, the Person Whose Signature Resembles a Doctor's was distracted momentarily by Mel Kiper on ESPN. What was your question again?

Q: Is there any treatment for the disorder?
A; Yes, there are three main treatments which have been approved by Bronco "the horse" Bilski of the FDA's football division; who, by the way, was an outstanding running back at the University of Wyoming at Somewhere or Another, before a severe injury to his grades forced his retirement.

Q: I don't care about Bronco Bilski, I have a sick husband here. What are the treatments?
A: The first treatment is an old herbal one developed by Southern California hippies in the 60s. Simply mix up a paste consisting of two parts avocado, two parts mustard, 1 part collagen paste, and 1 part of your favorite clear-ish beverage. Smear that all over your face, then go soak in a hot bath for a few hours. With this treatment you won't care what your husband does on Sunday afternoons.

Q: That's great for me, but what about him?
A: Our second treatment originated in Detroit, Michigan several years ago and has since been modified and perfected in Buffalo, New York. It is a very simple and effective treatment which is as follows: The sufferer should adopt the Lions and/or Bills as his favorite NFL team. It won't take long before he'll be begging the football gods for a merciful end to the season. After the Super Bowl, which his team may never appear in again, he'll be gladly anticipating figure skating, golf, and the World's Strongest Person Who Can't Wear a T-Shirt Off the Shelf competition.

Q: Not bad, but you said there's a third treatment?
A: Yes. The third treatment is still largely experimental, though it has been approved by the lovely and gracious Bronco Bilski of the FDA's football division. By the way, did I mention Bronco's football career? Anyway, It comes from Canadian researchers who noticed a similar syndrome among men at the end of the National Curling Association season (hard to believe, I know.) The world famous Canadian health care system now uses the treatment extensively, which involves heavy doses of sedation induced by continual screenings of Gone With the Wind, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and C-SPAN coverage of Congressional Budget meetings. This treatment should only be attempted under the supervision of someone who would never watch Gone With the Wind under otherwise normal circumstances.

Q: What is the prognosis for someone affected by TPSBWS?
A; Sorry, this Person Whose Signature Resembles a Doctor's doesn't know what that means.

Q: Prognosis, you moron. It means "outlook". What does the future hold for a TPSBWS sufferer?
A: Hey...cool off. No need to get testy here. The future of a TPSBWS patient generally looks bright after about March-ish, when the weeds begin to pop their little heads up in the yard. As soon as those buggers start growing your husband will forget all about football while becoming obsessed with his lawn. And just for the record, "Outlook" is an email client, not a prognosis.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed this first edition of Possibly Reliable Medical Information From a Person Whose Signature Resembles a Doctor's. Join us next time when we discuss something else I haven't yet put any real effort into thinking about. Until then, I wish you good health, good food, and lower medical bills since you won't have to go to the doctor so often.

Go Vikings!