THE SUPER, GREATEST (TOTALLY FAKE) RESUME EVER

Address: 834 N. Armstrong, Sea of Tranquility, the Moon

Phone #: 112 - 358 - 1324

E-mail: iknowwhereosamais@yahoo.com

Education:
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (7 years)
1. Selected in the House of Ravenclaw
2. Prefect honors with an 'O' rating in Potions and Apparition
3. Left early following recruitment into the Dumbledore Army

Faber College (6 months)
1. Admitted to Delta House. Provided the pledge name of "Stuka."
2. Became roommates with man named Marshall Mathers, aka "Shady."
3. Expelled due to misunderstanding after incident during Homecoming Parade.

Imperial Academy (2 years)
1. Majored in the Art of Mastering the Dark Side
2. Tutored by one Darth Vader prior to the Yavin Campaign. Specialized with Force Choking.
3. Suspended indefinitely when Academy was "no longer open to classes" following its move to the Death Star.

Experience:
Head Supervisor - Oompa Loompa Cream & Sugaring team - Wonka Factory, Bavaria, Germany
1. Directed precise calculation of adding and mixing Chocolate River
2. Managed a team that ranged from five to ten depending on dancing sequences.
3. Frequent visitor to Loompa Land, so am well traveled.

Insurance Salesman - Overseas Division - Chernobyl, Russia

Mayor - Sparta, Greece - one term served
1. Voted out of office due to allegations of accepting bribes from Persia.

Bounty hunter - Arizona border (current job)
1. Fluent in Spanish
2. Can survive long days in intense heat
3. Able to withstand frequent pelting from tomatoes, rocks and "anal impactions."

References:
Persephone - Queen of the Underworld - 2nd cousin - reachable during Spring and Summer months
Brian Urlacher - Chicago Bears linebacker - friend - contact through Halas Hall
Ted Nugent - musician/big game hunter - uncle - available via the Detroit Police Department
Anne Frank - writer - ex-girlfriend - no longer reachable but notes can be found in her published diary