The Surprise Rewards of Fatherhood

After 12 years of marriage, my wife and I finally felt mature enough to become parents. Our daughter has been a constant joy in our life. I can't say I was prepared for how challenging it would be, especially the early years. I also wasn't prepared for how it would change me and how I would have to change to be a good father. As my daughter grew, the toys became more interesting and so did she. I know an infant is cute, but helping your child develop is a true life wonder.

When my daughter became a teen, I began to worry. You know what W.C. Fields said;

"...when a child becomes 13 you put it a box and when they turn 18, take them out and shoot them..."

Would it be like that? Fortunately for me, it wasn't like that. Now as I look back, I can see a lot of things that I learned from daughter that were totally unexpected. Sure I learned the expected things like how to change a diaper, how to play with Barbie Dolls and mostly, how to manage my impatience. Here are some of the things I didn't expect.

Expanding My Musical Horizons

We have always been avid music listeners and usually have music playing in our house. From the time my daughter was little we always played music for her. At a young age, we started to take her to concerts. Of course, our music taste was kind of trapped in the 1970's. We went to see the Grateful Dead, Allman Brothers, Bonnie Raitt and Béla Fleck and the Flecktones. My daughter developed a taste for rock and roll and jazz. As she grew older, she started to buy her own music. I figured I had to listen, heck she always listened to what I put on.

She introduced to me lots of music, I would have never have chosen. Green Day, Radiohead, Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, The Flaming Lips, Beck are just a few of the bands I now listen to regularly thanks to my daughter. For one birthday she brought me a CD by The Bad Plus. This was the best new jazz band that I have heard since the Brecker Brothers. My daughter has eclectic taste and thanks to her, so do I.

Teaching me the Difference between Literature and Fiction.

I have always been an avid reader. My wife and I began to read to my daughter when she was an infant and she also developed the taste for recreational reading at a young age. Like my father before me, I introduce her to science fiction. She is now pursuing her master's degree in literature. When she was going to undergraduate school I asked her what the difference was between literature and fiction and she gave me "White Noise" to read by Don DeLillo. I began to understand. A book may be fiction when it comes out. If it is still in print 50 years later, it is probably literature. Recently, she introduced me to the works of Haruki Murakami. She keeps teaching me and I keep learning

Teaching Me to Listen

When we moved from Long Island to New Jersey our daughter was in second grade. We looked for neighborhoods that were culturally and diverse. We settled on Montclair, New Jersey which is a beautiful New Jersey town about 17 miles west on New York City. I had overcome the racial prejudices that I faced in the 1950's largely thanks to a great African American friend I had in the 1970's. I wanted my daughter to have the same opportunity as I did to make friends with diverse racial backgrounds.

As my daughter aged, the issues she dealt with began to get more complex. I began to realize that although I really didn't have any racial bias, I did have prejudices when it came to gender or sexual preferences. This knowledge happened only because I managed to listen to the things my daughter told me.

I went to a corporate training event during this time period and had a real "aha" moment about my listening skills. I learned that I could be dismissive because I though fast and then became impatient with others. When I returned from that training program, I had with a different attitude. I began listening to my daughter and realized she said some pretty good things. As she matured, I began to trust her judgment and more importantly not judge her.

Now I enjoy the other benefits of having an adult child. I like having another driver on long trips and being able to send her out for beer. The surprise is that I thought my wife and I would be the teachers. I am sure my daughter would say she has learned a lot from us. That's not a surprise. That is what is supposed to happen. The real joy however, is what you learn from your kids. I never realized I was living in a learning laboratory for the last 24 years.