The Taboo of a Miscarriage

I'm not sure why, but the word miscarriage seems to be something so taboo that women don't want to discuss it, or do they? Perhaps it is the fact that it is such a personal and emotional experience. After all it is technically the loss of a child, depending on how you look at it. But when I had a miscarriage in May of 2005, on my birthday of all days, I wanted to find some sort of comfort from others that had been through the same experience. Much to my dismay, it was very difficult to find many women that were willing to talk about their miscarriage experience. I had a plethora of questions but nobody to turn to. I couldn't ask my doctor because in this day and age, if a doctor sneezes at a patient he/she can be sued. So where could I turn for support? I wasn't a church going woman, and I had my husband but it was a new experience for him as well. So I was basically left with nothing except very little information I got from the internet and various pamphlets from my doctor's office.

Sure, I got the normal comments from friends and family about being sorry for my loss and how it was God's way of letting me know that there was something not exactly right with the fetus. This was somewhat comforting, yet when you are dealing with the loss of a pregnancy you have been trying so hard to have and then add in the hormonal fluctuations and the fact that it was my birthday, well words don't seem to be comforting enough. So after seeing how miscarriage is something that is not widely discussed openly and there is a whopping 20% miscarriage rate in the US, I decided I would share my story. I do this in hopes of giving someone else a little comfort and even some information when they so desperately need it. So here is my story.

At the time my other son was almost two. We had been trying for another baby for around 6 months, and found it to be difficult because of the birth control I had been using after having him. After finally conceiving we were ecstatic, and I was even happier to know that the baby would be born around my late father's birthday. Even at the initial appointment, at 8 weeks, to confirm my pregnancy, things seemed to be going well. My doctor had noticed that the sac for the embryo was a little smaller than normal but didn't seemed too concerned since my periods had been off for the past few months beforehand. It wasn't until a follow-up visit at ten weeks that he showed concern. The heartbeat was very faint, but he wanted to wait since I couldn't pinpoint my last "true" period. He had hoped, as did we, that my with my periods being irregular the conception date was off. Unfortunately the dates were correct and what I was seeing was the fetus not developing. Nearly two weeks later, at almost twelve weeks I began bleeding and having severe cramps. I will never forget that night the cramps began. They were so strong and long, it was as if I had food poisoning. I called my doctor's emergency line late that Friday once the bleeding actually began. I was advised to go to the nearest ER immediately.

Since it was the weekend, I had a long wait at the local ER, and still went home with no real answers. The doctors there made my situation seem unimportant and after numerous ultra sounds, no answers, and six hours of waiting, I signed myself out. I went home, called the doctor's line, and was told to take plenty of Tylenol for the contractions and try to rest. I felt like I was flying blind with everything but I still had to deal with contractions and the agony of knowing I was losing the baby. With such little information, I was hoping the fetus would make it, and it would end up being severe stomach flu or something stupid. Unfortunately, I passed the fetus late that Sunday night, and so I would have to go see my doctor the following day. I believe one of the most difficult things I have ever seen was that fetus, even though you couldn't actually see what it was since it was so small. I had read that you should try to take the remains with you to the doctor so they can check it for the abnormality, but I couldn't get myself to do it. Instead, my husband and I stood looking at it, crying and hugging each other, then said goodbye and "evacuated" it in the toilet. At the doctor's office, they would have to check to make sure the entire fetus and everything else had come out or I would have to go through a D&C. A D&C is a Dilation and Curettage. I had no idea what this was, nor how painful it would be or anything else. I was still in shock from losing the baby, and even though the staff was comforting me, I wasn't sure what questions to actually ask them.

After my exam, the doctor determined they would have to do a D&C so I would not get a possible infection from the remaining tissue. He then advised me that I could have the procedure done in their other office that same day and virtually go out to dinner that night. My head was spinning from the entire ordeal, so I went with his suggestion and opted for the local anesthetic with the in-office procedure. I actually had no idea what was to take place until I arrived at my appointment a few hours later. Before arriving I had to pick up a shot of Rhogam (because I am Rh negative). This was an ordeal by itself because my insurance refused to pay it. So I had to pay over $100 out of pocket, since I had no other choice. Once I arrived at my appointment I found the nurses to be very supportive, but I still had no idea what was going to take place. Once in the exam room, a nurse came in and began discussing what would happen. Finally I was going to understand what was going to take place. I was a little relieved, but still very scared and emotional.

Here is some of the information both the nurse and the doctor gave me about the procedure: A D&C used to be the main method of how they performed abortions. Now they generally use it in incomplete miscarriages, like I had, or other "female" related problems. You have 2 options with a D&C. You can be admitted to a hospital or facility and be "knocked out" so you don't feel anything. Or you can have general anesthesia, be fully coherent, and feel something like severe cramping during the procedure. Since I opted for general anesthesia, I would have to go through the pain of contractions and then some, yet again. The procedure itself did not take too long, but it was very uncomfortable and very weird. After you get the anesthesia, the cervix is dilated with an instrument called a dilator. Then a hollow tube that is connected to a big machine gets inserted and the suction from the machine is used to scrape and remove the remaining tissue, which is collected in a bag This was very uncomfortable, but I had the nurse at my side holding my hand to get me through it. Afterwards, I was told to lie on the table for a few minutes, then I could get dressed and I was done. If I worked outside of the home, I could have actually went into work that day, even though most women will take the entire day off. But, what my doctor had said earlier was true. I left and was able to get something to eat and go about my day like nothing had just happened. After all, it was my birthday so I wanted to at least make an attempt at salvaging it somewhat.

I had a follow up appointment a few weeks later to make sure the D&C was successful, and I was also able to discuss my options of trying to conceive again. I was told that generally I could try to conceive again within 3-4 months, which I did and had a beautiful little boy almost exactly a year after the miscarriage. So I suppose, all technical things aside, I would have to say that you should not give up hope after a miscarriage. The miscarriage does take place for a reason, no matter what your religious beliefs would be. Also, I felt a little more fortunate to have the miscarriage take place so early in the pregnancy. There are many women that have to experience the entire situation during the 2nd or even the 3rd trimester. But no matter when it happens or why, take to heart that you are not alone in the process. There are those of us that have experienced the same pain and frustrations that you are going through or have gone through. And even though I love my two little boys with all of my heart, a part of me will always wonder about the little one that I lost. Every year on my birthday I will remember losing the baby that could have been the little girl we had been hoping for, but will also be happy to celebrate my 2nd little boy's birthday. Children are a blessing and I think sometimes we overlook the complexity of conceiving a child and carrying it to term. It's not until you lose a baby that you actually stop and think about how lucky you are for having a child, if not more than one.