The Tale of Slippery Jim: A New Jersey Local Legend, Drunkard and Deviant

Most small towns often have their own legends, myths or tales, which are passed down from generation to generation. In my high school days I was fortunate enough to meet a man whose legacy will surely live on in the small, Jersey town of Hopatcong. His name was Slippery Jim and that was the only name we knew to call him by. The reason for such a nickname was because you could often find him near any establishment that carried alcohol whether it was a bar or a liquor store. Not only did he linger around booze shops, but he was usually piss drunk. Since he had a tendency to pass out in public places, many of the younger kids would pelt ole' Slippery with water balloons and other projectiles, which was cruel but kids are dumb and to them he was just some drunk vagrant who didn't matter; to them he was worthless, a sad sack of flesh meant for their entertainment. If only that was the saddest part of Slippery Jim's existence. But as one could imagine, the back story of any man that spends most of his day drunk and clinging to booze-driven establishments cannot possibly be a cheery tale.

Slippery Jim was no exception and his back story began as just another Hopatcong native. In fact, he was a class mate of one of my former high school teachers, who remembers him as a crazed nut with little regard for his own well-being. It wasn't until he enlisted in the army that began the downward spiral, which would eventually lead him to a life where the only hope was in a bottle (or can). Being a veteran of the Korean War, Slippery returned home with churlish mental photographs forever embedded into his mind. And like most war-hardened soldiers alcohol is a common vice for blocking out those grim memories and horrible scenes of the darker side of humanity.

With alcohol as his primary means for coping, Slippery Jim slowly began his transformation into the town drunk. His wife couldn't bear to witness him stumbling around in a drunken stupor every night and eventually divorced Jim. Soon he found the bars and the liquor store as a suitable place to find company. That company was none other than similar characters and kids like me and my friends. However, we simply needed him to buy us alcohol; he was dirty drunk to us and like all dirty drunks he could be utilized to aide minors in acquiring booze. But it wasn't long before we learned that we were using a man who had been used up, forced to live a lonely life of personal depravity. If you caught him early in the day, before he was able to get far gone on whatever he was drinking, you would often hear a depressing tale that he would follow up with, "Oh well, that's life. At least I got the bar." You couldn't help but feel bad for him and we tried to help him whenever we could, whether it was a ride or some food since he had a tendency to spend most of his money on alcohol. During the years leading up to his death he worked odd jobs, mainly construction, and bought booze for countless kids including myself. To say he will be missed is a lie because most people never gave a damn about him, but he will be remembered and the legacy of Slippery Jim will live on. Below is a bar song, an ode to some degree, about a Slippery Jim.

The Tale of Slippery Jim

Oh Slippery Jim was a man you see
With a drinking problem and a case of dysentery
He was constantly gone on whiskey and gin
This is only the crust of Slippery Jim

He stood outside the liquor store
Waiting for the kids who needed to score
A case of beer or a bottle of captain
And Slippery Jim could make it happen
Hand him 5 bucks and a ride to the bar
The only problem was riding in the car
Cause he smelt real bad like the inside of a turd
Or the corpse of a decomposing bird

But kids didn't care because Old Jim would tell
A story of his problem or a story of his hell
Kind of like the one of his trifling wife
She left him long back for he was ruining her life
And in the end you kind of felt a little bad
Because Slippery Jim always seemed so sad

And it wasn't 'til the time that I saw him swinging
On the bright red stop sign where he was loudly singing
"Goddamnit you fucking fucks I've had enough"
Then I offered him a couple of bucks
For you see we were in need of a bottle of Turkey
And a case of beer to get real murky
So Jim let go of his red and white perch
In pursuit of a ride to his church

But his legs weren't quite underneath him
As he clawed his way to the spot we'd seat him
And my pal had to get out of the car
To lift this drunkard off the tar

Oh Slippery Jim you see he was mess
A bad back and a lot of stress
He lived in the backwoods of Hopatcong
In a small house that belonged to his Grandma

And as we waited outside the liquor store
Slippery appeared at the glass door
With the booze in hand and a look on his face
That was evidence of what was about to take place
As the door opened Slippery fell
Dropping the bottle and the case as well

Again my friend hurried out of the car
To assist Jim and to ensure
That our bottle was safe
And that no one had seen
But a crowd was gathering at the scene
"Is he alright?" asked a soccer mom
"Yes he is now you better be gone"

We hurried out of the parking lot
Jim in the back, he was hurt a lot
It was his spine that had cracked
So he changed his mind and we took him back,
To his house to get some rest
For the bar would surely not be best

Oh Slippery Jim got that nap
But it was for eternity and it was a wrap
He wanted to die and when he did
There was no more dealing with us drinking kids.
His days of buying booze were over
And all his business went to a bum named Homer.