The Technology of a Breakup

I am an old fashioned kind of gal. What does old fashioned mean to a young woman in 2007? Boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy gets put into girl's MySpace top8, boy switches to girl's wireless provider so they don't go over their minutes, and they download Al Green Mp3s. Boy and girl move in together, boy doesn't change his MySpace "status" from single to in a relationship, girl hacks boy's email accounts, he cracks her voicemail password and they don't live together anymore.

This is the new reality. Technology is everywhere and most certainly spilling over into our romantic lives. Reality is a philosophical notion and not going to be debated here. But, to understand what I mean consider that lying in bed next to your wife or husband every night is a physical reality only perceived by you and your partner. If while you are lying there you have an internet profile that lists your status as "single" instead of "married" and tens, hundreds, or thousands of people can at a glance perceive you as single, then you cannot discount the reality of their perception. It seems humanity is suddenly in a dualist reality, the physical world and the cyberworld -and some of us are being a tad bit irresponsible about it. Remember those archaic cries of the overworked businessperson, the overwhelmed mother, the torn lover -How can I be two places at once! It is now possible. The new question is will you be the same person while being two places at once.

Ultimately these worlds will collide. Cell phones, email addresses, internet communities, they make cheating and deceiving just as easy as discovering the same infidelity and lies. Of course, just because someone can do something does not always mean that they will. So, if your love has not been yet spoiled by the temptations of technology, please, heed my warnings. Ladies: do not call your boyfriend every hour on the hour and email him twice a day, absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder. Fellas: if you have enough time to monitor a fantasy football league, play around on Photoshop, or look up you third cousins college roommate on MySpace, you have enough time to cook a nice dinner or buy your sweetheart some flowers. -And vice versa, of course, this is 2007. - Respect each others boundaries and if you are questioning trust talk it out before putting in the exhausting hours of figuring out a password. -Her mother's maiden name, the first two digits of her social, and the middle name of the professor she dated her sophomore year...I should have known!-

If you are like me and already suffered a major communication breakdown in this world of constant connection then realize that, yes, technology can help ruin a relationship. It can create feelings and situations of neglect, resentment, harassment, abandonment, and betrayal. But, beware; it can do quite a number on you in the throws of the break-up. Long gone are the days of fight or flight. You removed yourself from the situation, you physically left and half the battle is over. But, untangling yourself from that second reality, the realm of technology, can be trickier.

Most break-ups are ghastly business, a lot of residual anger, regret and sentimentality. To make it easier, here are some things to avoid:

If you and your ex are part of the same internet community delete each other as friends, and be stronger than the urge to look at their profile. Trust me; you don't want to see what they are up to.

Yes, you can text your ex every time you want to remind them they bare a striking resemblance to the Elephant Man, but it's not going to make you feel better and it is prolonging your contact with Mr. Merrick.

Don't chatroom your way into a rebound before you have time to get over things. You'll end up with a bad case of deja vu.

In moments of weakness refrain from downloading and emailing Mp3s with your roller coaster of emotions set to a melody.

And, by no means, ever pick up the cell phone. Let him/her leave a message until enough time passes where a conversation without rehashing everything is possible.

Yes, times they are a changing and we must adapt. But, there will always be love and loss. So, when life gets complicated, simplify. Go low-tech for a while. Unplug and remember what it is to exist in a physical reality. Take long walks, exercise, go out with friends, paint, nourish your spirituality, and write everything down in a notebook with a good old fashioned ink pen. Forgive, but do not forget. Then it is safe to log on again. Then it is safe to love again.