The New Television Season

Since writing for television has always been one of my goals in life, it has come to my attention that the current television season has the...how shall I put this delicately? ...the odor of three week old road kill. I feel it's time to dump some of these programs that are currently insulting our intelligence and replace them with programs that will make us violently ill instead.

Being the Secret Ambassador to Better Television Quality and that I frequently fall under the category of Capitalist Pig, it just so happens that I have several pilots on the shelf, waiting to be shot, and guaranteed to send the viewer scrambling for the remote control.

You may ask, "Hey, what qualifies this guy to dictate what I'm going to watch on television?" First of all, there is someone out there right now, making a pretty hefty salary, I might add, suggesting you watch "Man Up."

Now for my qualifications. Yes, it's true, my original goal was to become the "Couch Potato" (or "Couch Potatoe" in case Dan Quayle is reading this) of all times. I mean, to the point that my picture would appear next to the phrase "couch potato" in the next printing of Webster's Dictionary. That's when I decided that if someone is going to write this tripe, why not me?

In addition to those qualifications, I am also the creator of several, yet to be sold pilots, including "Donny and Marie Love Mike & Molly." There's also my series about a hip California Army recruiting office called, "77 Sunset Strip to Your Shorts." And a game show I know would have caught on, if it only had a chance, "Spitting For Dollars."

So, now I'm obviously going to have to dust off these soon to be epics and include a few new ones. Some of these to watch out for include:

1. Senior citizen celebrities vie for the grand prize as they challenge their ultimate physical strength in the new hit show, "Hernia With The Stars."

2. You'll scratch your head in wonderment as folks from around the country send in tapes of their family vacations in "America's Most Boring Videos."

3. Since reality shows seem to be an increasing threat to our paranoiac phobias, I've created a new series bound for syndication, as well as a forty share, " Traffic Court." Tune in weekly to watch unscrupulous drivers making illegal rights-on-red. Feel the tension mount as you ride with a meter maid and wait patiently with her as she sits, with pad in hand, until the red violation flag pops up on a meter, in a handicapped space. Experience the courtroom drama as a Cocker Spaniel is charged with driving without a license. "Traffic Court." There's just no stopping the action, drama, or the reality of another show made to grab a group of sensationalistic, sadistic spectators.

4. For the youngster who is too young to understand the plight of the hormonally active teenager and too old for kiddy shows now available, I bring you "Sesame Street 90210."

5. Game shows will always be a staple on television and I've got the one that will make you shake your head in dismay. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to shoplift, without writing to Winona Ryder? Then join contestants as they go into busy department stores to see who can gather up the most loot in "Steal Or No Steal."

6. Finally, what television really needs right now is another daytime talk show; one that will be different from all the others. That's why I've come up with "Peak-Say," a talk show done entirely in Pig Latin, with host Rew-Day Arey-Cay.

So, if the current television season is getting you down, don't despair. One of my shows could get picked up.

Now, if I could just come up with a cooking show with some excitement. Maybe the Betty Crocker Cook-off done entirely in the nude. Nah, too many opportunities for third degree burns.