The Ten Most Popular Chat Forum Users

Being insatiably curious is a habit I've tried hard not to break. I love anything new and any new source of information. The only thing that's come close to destroying my desire to experience new things has been chat forums. At first I loved forums -- the free flow of information and endless opinions about anything you can imagine. From striped iguanas to Etruscan art to anything in between, you can find a nearly limitless number of different discussions. But then I noticed something. No matter how different the discussion, one thing stayed the same - the people doing the discussing. No matter what forum I went to, the same people were there. Only the names were different.

The following seem to be the most popular types of forum posters.

10. The "I Can't Communicate Without Cussing" Poster
This person is otherwise known as 'The Sailor'. You've seen the posts. Every other word is F this or F that. In forums that don't allow vulgarity, it's d@mn or WTF or f!&k, or something to imply a cuss word. It always seemed like a lot of trouble to go through just to cuss, but it must be worth the effort judging from the popularity of these kinds of posts. Besides who wants to read something that doesn't have cussing in it?

9. The Netspeaker
Like OMG! IMHO if ur using netspeak more than u use regular words, u have a problem. LOL's are one thing, but since the demise of Netspeakers Anonymous, netspeak has gotten way out of hand. I understand it takes a lot of effort to type 'you are' instead of ur. I also understand that netspeak is a great way to weed out newbies, but come on. If your discussion looks like a list of government agencies, maybe you should try mixing in a real word or two just to break it up.

8. The Expert on Everything
A welcome addition to any discussion thread, the expert on everything can't believe everyone else in the discussion is so stupid. The answer is obvious. There it is. Now can we move on? Of course, when you're an expert on everything, every answer is obvious, but that's not the point. The point for the expert on everything is to show how smart he is by pointing out how stupid everyone else is. Should you encounter an expert on everything, just point out if they were really so smart, they'd be on Jeopardy right now and not in this crappy forum.

7. The Guy Who Types Like He's Been Drinking
Like a chimpanzee hitting random keys, the 'guy who types like he's been drinking' has difficulty forming even the most basic words. Why this person thinks communicating online is his thing, is beyond my comprehension just like his writing. A typical entry goes something like:
Mwhahah. Jio HA! Ur reealyu sputid .. h

This user is always a delight, bringing fresh ideas and fresh ways to spell things into any conversation.

6. Jack the Punctuation King
What is this person thinking?!?!?!? I don't know!!!!! Maybe if they used less punctuation, I could figure it out!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course this user does make a good point -- why bother with one exclamation point when a hundred will do.

5. The Person Who Takes It Personally
For sheer bulk, no one can beat the person who takes it personally. Typical scenario: someone has typed in some sort of crazy view on a hot button issue - abortion, politics, secondhand smoke, whatever. The person who takes it personally then launches on a tirade. They can't believe someone would have such an obviously wrong point of view. They can't type fast enough. Stephen King books are shorter than this person's response by the time they're through setting that idiot straight. And when that response goes up, they sit back with a satisfied grin and think - all right, try to beat that. Yep. You really showed him. I bet that person will probably never try to get under someone else's skin again.

4. The Prince and Princess of Agenda
I love these users. I really do. Any conversation can trigger these two into action. Actually that's wrong - every conversation triggers them into action. Whether you're talking muffler repair or flower decorating, they will find a way to insert their political agenda. For example, let's say you're talking about flavors of ice cream. Their minds go to work. Ice... Polar ice caps... Global warming.... Bush is destroying the environment! And then they're off to the races. Someone invariably will call this person to task for being off topic. The Agenda twins will typically respond with something like - I'm sorry. It's just that Bush's treatment of the environment is so appalling... And then they're at it again. Naturally it works both ways and for any issue, but the principle is the same - anything to get the agenda across.

3. Captain Conspiracy
To Captain Conspiracy everything's a scam. The internet is crawling with danger. Captain Conspiracy has had his identity stolen 17 times. He shreds old birthday cards because they have his personal information in them. But still they find a way - the hackers and the crackers and the phishers and spammers. His eBay account was hijacked three weeks ago. And who's to blame? Government and big corporations. They're out to get everyone. Fortunately for everyone in the forum, Captain Conspiracy's bomb shelter has internet access. Otherwise the rest of us wouldn't get to hear just how corrupt government is.

2. I, Give
This user has given up on everything. The world is coming to an end. We're all doomed. We're just pawns of the government or whatever "evil of the day" this user has determined to be keeping him down. I, Give might be burned out on life, but his half-empty cup of wisdom is sure to bring down any conversation that gets too lively and cheerful.

1. User X
User X is that mysterious person who pops into a conversation, says something that has almost nothing to do with the topic and then disappears again. For example, you're chatting about Pink Floyd, reminiscing about The Wall. Suddenly User X pops in with "Metallica RULZ!" Then User X disappears rapidly on the hunt for another topic to post something useless in. The real service User X provides is to add random words and phrases to keep an otherwise intelligent discussion from being too intelligent. After all there's nothing more boring than making sense.