The Ten Worst Sports Movies of All Time

Generally speaking, either a sports film does really well or it tanks. Many, like "Field of Dreams", "Hoosiers", "Raging Bull", and "Rudy", achieve strong box office numbers and go on to remain vastly popular as the years pass. Others, like "Major League", "Sandlot", "The Rookie", and "Any Given Sunday", may not have dominated ticket sales, but they fair well each and every weekend in the rental world. However, another set of movies exists, those that appear on late night channels to fill air time and compete against infomercials on back hair removal or how to get "unfat" in five days without exercise, or get rented by a group of thirty-somethings at the local video store after they have smoked a bong full the Marley special and want to have a good laugh while munching on Oreos dipped in ranch dressing. These films, although based on sports, which is America's third loved behind sex and greed, disgrace the screens they play on.

In fact, when these movies appear on televisions, whether a 19-inch job that rests precariously on a stack of old hunting magazines at the local gun shop or a 60-inch plasma bought by the CEO of AIG with his 2008 bonus check, the clickers shake with anxiety, begging someone to grab them and hit any number possible. These unfortunate remote controls long for a change; they would die to see "Saved by the Bell", old reruns of "ALF", or even the pornographic version of "The Biggest Loser". Instead, they must suffer through, along with the rest of us, these ten brutal sports movies.

"Necessary Roughness" (1991). Although most men watched this film originally to see Kathy Ireland wear alarmingly tight pants, her star has now faded and so has any reason to watch this poor attempt to convey anything comical about football. We should've known in advance that any film starring Sinbad, the rotund, earring-glad Michigan native who is best left on stage doing mediocre stand-up, would fail, and fail miserably.

"Rocky Balboa" (2006). Released thirty years after its popular series opener "Rocky", the film once again stars Sylvester Stalone. Although it has many of the markings of the original, the one with which we all seemingly fell in love, overall it crashes quickly and cheapens the saga that is Rocky I through V. Some sequels should never have made it out of the creator's head, and this one-I do not even know what to call it, for it is not a sequel...let's just call it the inbred cousin who drank gasoline from his sippy cup-should be locked away, never to be viewed again. Actually, scratch that. Show it as one final form of torture-in all likelihood worse than waterboarding or bamboo under the fingernails--the night before Obama closes Gitmo for good.

"Juwanna Mann" (2002). Awful. God awful. A basketball star is kicked out of the professional ranks for his on-the-court antics, so he returns to the women's pro league posing as a female. What were they thinking when they received the pitch for this idea? Did they possibly say, "Hey, there is definitely a market out there for athletic cross-dressers who couldn't play dead?" There really is nothing redeeming about this movie. In fact, the Hollywood police should arrest this film and charge it with indecent exposure; it showed all of its viewers the stink eye up close, and that is just inappropriate. After its conviction, West Virginia should reopen the State Penitentiary at Moundsville so we can strap this film into "Old Sparky" and end all of our misery with one pull of the switch.

"Summer Catch" (2001). The story of a rich girl, who falls in love with a poor kid hoping to make it as a major leaguer, and her family who summer on Cape Cod drags on and on with no point. Despite a big name cast-Jessica Biel, Brian Dennehy, Brittany Murphy, Freddie Price, Jr.-the plot remains trite and sleepy. Any baseball fan would rather violently vomit, take the stand in a San Francisco courtroom, and openly support Barry Bonds by saying, "I know for certain that he NEVER did steroids" than be forced to watch this film beyond its fifth minute. Any non-baseball fan, the guy who claims it is a worthless sport with overpaid men who bore their viewers to death and occasionally humor them by readjusting their cups, would simply say, as he walked out of the room to go suck on a tailpipe, "See, even movies about that stupid game stink."

"The Cutting Edge" (1992). D. B. Sweeney must have needed a paycheck. Maybe he had just bought an expensive home, or maybe he still had an enormous student loan to pay. No other logical reason exists to put forth a film so predictable and downright worthless. The premise, which involves two athletes, one hockey player and one figure skater, who have had their individual Olympic dreams torn away from them, fails from the start. Any fifth grader who attended kindergarten through fourth grade on a consistent basis could guess the plot's obvious direction and figure out that the film's resolution would be one of fated romance between two unlikely people. A more enjoyable time can be had standing on the Saturday morning line at the Department of Motor Vehicles or getting a vasectomy done and hearing the doctor say, "woops".

"Like Mike" ( 2002). First of all, the film's primary actor is named Bow Wow. Second of all, the film's primary actor is named Bow Wow. With this in mind, consider that the only place this film, which details the path of a fourteen-year-old boy who is struck by lightning while pulling a pair of old basketball shoes off a power line, is on the wall of a dilapidated dog house with the runts of a forgotten litter watching. That may be the only place on the planet that will believe how a boy named Bow Wow magically gains powers to become an NBA superstar. The only way this collection of mutts makes it through the entire showing is if they have been padlocked in and provided with valium-laced rawhides.

"BASEketball" (1998). This movie, which tells the story of two friends who are professional baseketball players, really is so bad that it does not deserve much commentary. Bottom line is this: If you elect to rent this film, you have nominated yourself for "Idiot of the Year", and you have thoroughly wasted money that could have been better spent on important items such as nose hair trimmers, the PedEgg, Chiapets, edible underwear, or the book "Enemas for Dummies".

"Caddyshack II" (1988). The original "Caddyshack" should slap its offspring and get it tested for severe psychological problems. The movie, which attempts to capitalize on the success of its predecessor, follows a ridiculous plot that has a rich tycoon buying a prestigious golf club, after having his application for admission rejected, and turning it into an amusement park-style course. It lacks all of what the original has: punctual humor, grand acting performances, etc. The only people allowed to view this debacle should be those declared legally deaf by their home state and have recently had double cataract surgery.

"Gridiron Gang" (2006). Stick to fake wrestling Rock. Dwayne Johnson, better known as The Rock, stars in this excuse for a film. The plot asks the viewer to watch a band of juvenile detention detainees gain considerable self-esteem through the power of football. The only problem is this: If teenagers believed in this film, the world may very well end tomorrow. The film lacks any redeeming moralistic message; instead, it relies on the appearance of a wrestler from the WWE to carry its attempt at true emotion... never put a professional wrestler, who fakes his entire career, in charge of something meant to have a message. While labeled a drama, the only thing dramatic here is the reaction a viewer provides when he finds out that he actually paid money to watch this. The movie poster should have the following caution plastered to it: Warning: Any person who elects to watch this chaotic, poorly planned mess may experience stinging eyes, irritable bowels, heart palpitations, hair loss, onset of hemorrhoids, oral bleeding, and/or erectile dysfunction.

"Slap Shot II: Breaking the Ice" (2002). The producers should have lunched with the writers for "Caddyshack II" and, over peanuts, tap water, and pretzels (they certainly could not have afforded more than that based on the films' performances), discussed the value of leaving well enough alone. Attempting to re-tell the story of the Hanson brothers and the Chiefs is a poor decision, and the results showed. Asking Stephen Baldwin and Gary Bussey to carry a film is like asking Paris Hilton to wear underwear to a red carpet event: it just won't happen. Much like the other nine films on the list, people who decide to watch this sequel take the distinct chance that they may loose feeling in their extremities, experience lose of appetite, notice rapid muscle atrophy, and/or begin making random jungle animal noises in their sleep.

In the end, if you have nothing left to watch, still do not rent any of these. They will warp your psyche and damage you beyond mental repair. Instead, you are better off going into someone's yard, pulling up a lawn chair, and watching television through their window. If you want to have a little fun, bring your clicker and change their channels.