The Terrible Twos: A Common Misconception

Being the stay-at-home mother of a two-year-old, I have constant opportunity to observe my child in all of her two-year-old tendencies. And I have to say, I'm genuinely amazed at how direly we paint this time in every child's life in our society. Who coined the phrase "terrible twos" anyway, and how long has this concept monopolized our perception of children at this age?

That's not to say the age doesn't have its challenges. Kids developmentally go through all sorts of clashes between autonomy and dependability, strong expression without strong communicative ability, and physical ineptness that often results in them being overwrought with frustration. But while the common notion in our culture is that this is the time when children throw monstrous tantrums and make rude demands day in and day out, in reality they are just underdeveloped people who are no longer babies and are now ready to be taught the basic life skills we adults already know: how to use our words and keep our cool, and how to say please and thank you and wait our turn. No, the circumstances are not pleasant. They are often hardly endurable. But they're a vital part of the circle of life, of parenting, of growing up. They're temporary, and the end of them means a triumph over the meaner part of human nature. So what's all the fuss about? Is it really so terrible? Or is it just a case of adult behavior that is less patient and understanding and enduring than we ought to be? What's our excuse? Unlike the two-year-old who hasn't learned yet, we do know better. We know how to look at life squarely and deal with it with a well-rounded disposition.

Furthermore, I've been amazed to discover in watching my daughter and her peers that two-year-olds are also little people at their cutest, funniest, and sweetest. I realize that the hugs and kisses I get in the future will never be so frequent, big, and carefree as the ones I get this year. They're just learning to feel and give affection and they do it with gusto. In another year it will be commonplace. And the things they say! Language is a crazy new world that they understand in bits and pieces, and they get it mixed up more often than they get it right. When my daughter is snuggling in bed with me, she invariably forgets the word for "covers" and tells me "I need cuddles!" Now, all she really wants is her share of the blankets, but it never fails to remind me to cherish the precious moments of cuddling in bed on a sweet, lazy morning in winter with a blue-eyed, grinning, wriggling little girl.

They're also realizing at this age what humor is and that they can trigger it for the people around them. Their greatest joy is making others laugh and they are great at accomplishing it. This is, of course, when you find yourself sharing private, silent laughs over coffee cups with your spouse because there are certain things you should not laugh at, because it will not escape your little one's attention and will not fail to encourage him. For example, the other day my husband was insisting that my daughter finish eating her lunch, when she did a new trick he hadn't seen her do before: she put her fingers in the corners of her mouth and stretched her mouth out and waggled her tongue at him. His eyebrows shot up, and I had to quickly smother my laughter in order not to disturb this moment of paternal discipline.

There is no end to the moments of mirth and melting hearts when your kid is this age. They are her daily offering to you as her parent and are your reward for putting up with all of the anguish that goes along with shaping her into a well-rounded person. The key is to take it all in. See the good in every kid, see life through their eyes and understand it through their limited minds so that you know how to make sense of it all for them and help them learn to function in it well.

I think it is really a matter of where your focus is. If you dwell all of the time on the challenges of this year, that is all you will see. You will miss the almost constant bursts of delightfulness that co-exist with the bursts of temper. That's why I hate the phrase "terrible twos." It has brainwashed us all into approaching that age as if there is something to be dreaded, nothing to enjoy, a year of trial and angst in parenthood that must be survived. Remember to always enjoy your child at every age. The truly terrible thing about two-year-olds is that they don't last. In just a year they will be three. And they keep getting a little more grown up each year until one day they are too grown up to be a sweet, snuggling, dancing, laughing, silly, bright-eyed, excited kid anymore.