The Terrible Two's and Tantrums

One of the most common questions on parenting websites is, "What can I do about my two-year-old's temper tantrums?" Although children's development varies from child to child, the Terrible Two's often begin as the child's second birthday approaches. How soon the Terrible Two's ends, and how difficult that stage is, depends on the child and the parents; but most parents find that dealing with a two-year-old can be challenging.

One answer to the question about what parents can do about the temper tantrums, that can so often arise when a child is two, is to prevent as many of them as possible. Preventing tantrums is not always as difficult as it may seem.

Understanding how to prevent tantrums starts with understanding how difficult life is for a two-year-old. Two years of age is the youngest age at which a child is called a "child", rather than a "baby" or "toddler". It's as if one day this little person woke up and realized he has a mind of his own. That mind of his, however, hasn't picked up enough understanding of the world to allow the child to feel really sure of himself in that world. He hasn't had the benefit of that fourth year to gain the verbal skills required to understand the world and express himself better. A two-year-old is not always emotionally mature enough to control his emotions, and it doesn't help that his not understanding why things are done as they are actually contributes to his frustration. The two-year-old with well developed verbal skills may be less prone to tantrums, simply because he understands his parents better when they try to reason with him.

A two-year-old has the soul of an independent individual, but his emotional maturity hasn't caught up. To further make his life difficult, he's not only physically smaller than every other person who isn't a baby or toddler, but his motor skills and gait are not as refined as they will be when they is three. This can make keeping up with older children and adults particularly difficult.

He's still young enough that he has trouble remaining graciously pleasant when hungry or tired, and a child his age still gets tired easily. This independent soul is still largely dependent on his parent. When his parent gets it right he doesn't mind. When that parent's wishes conflict with his, it is, as you can imagine, difficult for him to deal with. Day-to-day life is just a little rougher when you're two years old. Anyone who has ever been a new kid in a large, overwhelming, school may have some idea of what it feels like to be two.

The year when a child is two doesn't have to be a terrible one. If parents try to keep in mind how difficult life can be for a child this age, it can help them understand that a tantrum is not usually a matter of a child's willful decision to be difficult. It is, instead, a two-year-old's inability to keep his cool in the face of utter frustration. Parents will often say, "He just did that to get his own way, because once I gave him what he wanted he stopped." While older children who happen to be the manipulative type may have learned the skill of crying or displaying anger to get what they want, two-year-olds usually aren't that skilled. Usually, two-year-olds simply want something (or don't want something), aren't emotionally able to deal with the frustration of not having things their way, and "lose it". If parents give in to them they, of course, feel better and calm down.

The reason it is better to know ways to prevent tantrums as much as possible is that once a tantrum is taking place it can be difficult for parents to know how to handle it. They worry that if they give in to what the child wants he will learn to use tantrums after he's outgrown this age of frustration. Then, too, there can be the concern that a child left without having his frustration understood and without being comforted could learn that his parents aren't quite as supportive and capable as he needs them to be. Whether a parent gives in or rides out the storm, a tantrum - once it is in full swing - is a no-win situation.

While it may not be possible to get through that third year without any tantrums at all, it is very possible to drastically reduce the number of them. Here are some ways parents can head off at least some of those troublesome tantrums:

1. Keep in mind that a child who is hungry, tired, and/or hot is more easily upset.

2. Two-year-olds like routine and don't like surprises. Making it a point to keep a two-year-old informed about what will be happening can help. If he usually watches a television show at 11:00 a.m., but the plan is to go out to the store, telling him early about plans to go to the store will give him the first heads-up. Talking about what time he'll be going out, what stores he'll go to, what will be bought, and why can help him feel like he's part of the plan. He may or may not understand all of what he's told but he'll get the idea that his parent is making the effort (and respects him enough) to try to include him. A two-year-old is more able to deal with not turning on the television because he knows he going out than with having the program on and having it turned off suddenly.

It isn't enough to just tell a child the day's plans once, early in the morning. This kind of conversation should be a part of his day. Letting him know well in advance that he'll be "taking a bath after story time", or letting him know that "when Grandma is here she will read him a story and tuck him into bed" will help him prepare for what is ahead.

Even when what he's doing is not part of his daily routine, a two-year-old needs to be told ahead of time what will be happening. If he's at the park and is suddenly whisked off to go home there may be a tantrum. If, on the other hand, a parent starts to talk about which activities he will be doing in which order, and which one will be the last before heading home for lunch, he will have had time to prepare himself.

This kind of preparing a child helps reduce tantrums in three ways: First, it helps him from having to deal with the sudden disappointment (and for a two-year-old, even shock) of being unpleasantly surprised. Second, it makes him feel a little more a part of the plans and a little more respected. Third, he may actually be looking forward to the next thing on the itinerary.

3. Keep in mind that an entertained, happy, two-year-old is less likely to be looking for something that is entertaining or that would make him happy. The grocery store offers a good example of this principle. Always making sure to bring a book or toy that will keep a two-year-old engaged helps keep him occupied and content. Some toys are more likely to keep him busy than others.

In addition to giving him something to do, engaging a child this age in the shopping process can keep him happy and entertained for yet another stretch of time. Asking him to put the apples in the bag or letting him "read" the cat food (or cereal) box can keep him busy. Just talking to him about anything at all will usually be something he enjoys.

Having a snack that takes a while to eat is another thing that can keep a child this age busy and happy. It can help if a parent talks to him about his choice of a snack before entering the store. Whether that snack is brought from home or purchased at the store, giving a child his choice of two or three different, healthy, snacks will, again, help him feel as if he is part of the decision-making process. He'll know that the snack is of his own choosing; and if his parent talks to him ahead of time about how there will be one snack during shopping and lots of good things to bring home, he may be less likely to be looking for other snacks at the store.

When a child is entertained with his snack and book (or his mother's conversation) there are a whole lot of candy and cake treats he won't notice as the shopping cart rolls by them.

4. Two-year-olds have trouble keeping up with older siblings, so setting some limits on the amount of time they spend playing with older siblings (or other older children) can reduce some of the situations that can end in sheer frustration. Those limits can involve the amount of time two siblings spend in unsupervised play. Also, encouraging a two-year-old and his four-year-old sibling to play certain things but not some other things can help. Usually, for example, a two-year-old and a four-year-old can play dolls or cars without too much stress on the younger sibling. Some outdoor games, on the other hand, can leave the two-year-old all too aware that he can't quite keep up.

5. Generally giving two-year-olds a little bit of break can go a long way. Expecting them to sit at the dinner table too long, or insisting that they eat more than they feel like eating, can lead to power struggles that don't need to take place.

We so often understand "the raging hormones" and "difficult issues" faced by teenagers. Expectant mothers (and even women with PMS) are often given a pass when it seems their hormones have taken over. Most of us forgive irritable, elderly, folks for whom life has become a struggle each day. When it comes to the littlest of the people who are just past being babies, and trying to be children without quite having the development to do it graciously, it can be a little too easy to associate their "bad" behavior with being "terrible".

These tiniest of people need understanding, more than they need discipline and scolding. Most importantly, they need the grown-ups around them to help reduce the number of situations in which these tiny folks may find themselves at their wits' end.