The Things You Should Never Say to Children of Divorce & Separation

It's hard enough raising children... the challenges that parents face even daily are incredible. But imagine throwing a divorce or separation into the mix. And with national averages of divorce on the rise (most recent years quote 50% divorce rate for first marriages alone!), the topic of how to handle children through this difficult subject is really that much more important.

As it is, going through a divorce or separation can be extremely emotional and challenging. It seems that the adults affected by this life event have enough on their minds. Unfortunately, this doesn't help the children effected. As adults, we need to remember that the slightest comments or actions that don't seem a big deal to us may affect children in a way that will change their lives forever. The startling truth is that these situations not only effect young children, but adult children as well. I can speak from experience....my parents legally separated when I was 27 and my younger brother was 24, and it's effected us greatly, so you can imagine what it can do to a small child.

Yet a wonderful truth is that children are resilient and can bounce back from the worst of situations. However, divorcing parents should try to protect their children from having to 'bounce back' from anything by avoiding saying certain things, as hard as it may be. Adults may be really hurt by the situation and by their spouses, but remember that your children should always come first. Here are some things that should never be said to children during this time of change:

We shouldn't have had children
Children often don't know the whole story of a divorce, they just know what they see and hear. They know that mom and dad no longer get along and that they don't want to be together anymore. However, the only thing they truly care about is whether or not they are still loved. If you ask any child of divorced parents what their first thought was when they found out their parents were separating, it would be 'Is it my fault?'. As responsible adults, you should make sure your children are assured that this is not their fault and that you both still love them and always will. Take the extra time to explain to them that sometimes adults realize they should no longer be together instead of forcing themselves to stay in a situation where they'll continue to hurt each other. Explain the benefits of getting a divorce in a way that they see it would be more hurtful if you stay together and constantly fight instead of separating but still keeping the children as the most important part in both parents' lives.

Your mom is a slut/ Your dad is a pig
Unforunately, cheating many times goes hand-in-hand with divorce. However, you should remember that if your spouse cheated on you, he/she cheated on you, not your children. And although the hurt runs deep, your children should not bear the brunt of this hurt. Their father/mother may have cheated, but they are still the children's parent. A person can be an awful husband or wife but still be an excellent parent. Bad-mouthing your spouse in front of your children teaches them to disrespect that parent and may make the child feel like they have to choose sides. Be a responsible adult and keep matters of infidelity behind closed doors. Even if a child knows about the extramarital affair, they should know only of the facts and not the emotional opinions.

If we had more money, this wouldn't have happened
Ah, money. This is another popular reason for divorce in recent years. One common occurence when children find out that money is a reason for their parents' divorce is for them to blame themselves in any way they can find. I've often heard children state that if they hadn't asked for that expensive toy last Christmas, or if they hadn't asked to participate in so many sports, or if they sold all their belongings, maybe their parents would still be together. Children do not yet understand the workings of mortgages, bills, credit cards, etc. yet. If money is the reason for your divorce, again it's up to you to make sure your children understand that it is not their fault, and that it's just a matter of circumstance and the way you and your spouse have handled that circumstance.

Your Grandma/Grandpa/other family members are to blame for this
It is so easy to throw around blame when it comes to any kind of argument between spouses, and extended family members are no exception. There is the occasional mother-in-law, uncle, grandmother, etc. that will get involved in a couple's business and while they are not the primary reason for divorce, it's easy to blame them. Blaming other familiy members tells your children that you and your spouse are not taking the responsibilty for what has happened, and grooms them to hate that relative you blame for ruining their immediate family. Remember, your extended family (both yours and your spouse's) is their family. Your children will need their family on both sides to help them through this tough time, and you should encourage them to reach out to whoever they need to, even if you no longer speak to your in-laws.

I don't have time for you anymore because my new family needs me
If you've moved on and found another spouse, that's wonderful. If you've moved on and found another spouse with children of their own, then that's wonderful, but remember your first family before all else. Even if you don't get along with your ex-spouse, your children are still your children. Realize how difficult this is for them since their whole world has basically fallen apart, and make sure to put them first in all situations. In the end, this could be wonderful for them since they are gaining new step-siblings, which could mean new friends for them. But they need to know that they are your true children and will always come first to you, and a little extra time and reassurance from you will go a very long way.

What did Mom/Dad say about me?
There will be times that your children will spend with either spouse once you're separated, but this doesn't mean that they should become your spies. As much as curiousity will kill you and you will want to know what your ex-partner has said when you are not around, you shouldn't be asking your children as this puts them in a very tough and awkward spot. You should agree with your spouse immediately that you will not bad-mouth each other in front of the children. This way, you can be assured that when your children are with your ex-spouse, they are also not being turned against you, and in turn, they can feel safe in that they are not being put in the middle.

There's nothing going on...we're not getting divorced
I've personally seen too many times where parents keep denying their children the truth and telling them about the divorce only at the last moment. Once you and your spouse have made the actual decision to separate, you should probably sit your children down for a family meeting and discuss the coming events. This is the best time to also ally with your spouse and assure the children that none of it is their fault and that you will both always be there for them, no matter what. It shows that you are mature adults who unfortunately can no longer get along, but just because you won't be under the same roof doesn't mean that you won't have a united front in caring for your children. This way, they can feel safe in knowing you both still care for them and that they will still be safe and loved.

My life is over/ I'll never find someone else to love
For children of all ages from 3 years to 30 years, this is a difficult one to swallow. There's nothing scarier to a child of any age than seeing one of their parents fall apart. As children, we see our parents as invincible, able to take care of anything that comes their way. In saying that your life is over, you imply that there's no hope for you anymore, and no reason to live any longer. Your children should be your reason to keep going, to keep thriving and try to make it through this tough time. If you constantly tout that you'll never find someone else to love, what you're really implying is that life is not worth living unless you have a mate, and that there's no hope for someone who's been divorced to ever find love again. Divorce is difficult and life-changing, but it can be a good lesson to your children, too. You can become a great role-model by continuing to lead a hopeful and healthy life. You can also show grief of a dying relationship, but at the same time stress the importance of other relationships (that of you with your children, your other relatives, friends you lean on, etc.). Give your children hope that life does go on after divorce, just as it does with any other difficult life situation, and that things like this do get easier with time.

Divorce and separation is by no means easy for anyone, but with a little thought and alot of communication, you and your spouse can truly make a difference in how your children deal with these events. You will be making a big difference in how your children learn to deal with any difficult situation throughout their lives. You will also be doing yourself a huge favor in knowing that you've done the very best job you can.