The Three Boozers; DB Steals My Trim

Coming off the heels of a absolutely ridiculous adventure of escaping Skeneatlas as a result of Boogeyman's wedding, I thought I was going to take it easy the next night...wrong. I was chillin out on the East Side of town with Winger, Dr. Shmoove and Deranged Biker after a softball tourney when I caught the spirit of booze and debauchery and decided to take my adventures out onto the streets of Binghamton for the night. I convinced Deranged Biker to come out and tear apart the city one last night when I got a phone call from Perk who shared similar ideas of diabolical activity. Getting Deranged Biker, Perk and myself together was the best/worst idea I ever had. When all three of us go out separately, people need to tell us to stop or maybe thats not a good idea or guys, maybe throwing that flaming garbage can is not a good idea after all, and I can be damn sure neither of us are going to stop the other from doing something cool and irresponsible. Perk comes to pick up DB and myself and the night begins.

I was mildly buzzed from power bombing Keystone lights in DB's basement, so I had a jump on DB and Perk. We park ourselves at a dive bar on the East Side where the softball players from the tourney were having a party. At the game I was viciously heckling one of the players I went to high school with, and his entire time was there, I thought I was going to be in a world of shit. To my surprise, the team reveled in my motor mouth heckling. I always find a fan of my work, regardless of where I go. The night was dragging slowly and we decided to kick it into gear and make our way to the hallowed stomping grounds of downtown Binghamton.

The alcohol was coursing through my veins and I could sense something cool was going to happen. DB and I are pretty much catalyst of one another, when he says something inappropriate to a girl like "My girlfriend just left me wanna start fuckin?" I will have to trump him with a statement as "Can I fuck the back of your neck?". So needless to say, we make a deadly tandem and I started off the game by introducing myself to strange women as Deranged Biker. As we jumped from bar to bar, Deranged Biker would grab womens asses and blame it on me. But unfortunately this back fired as he grabbed butt and a girl brought her boyfriend who looked like he was on the Maury Povich Paternity test show(you know what I mean) to which she said "I totally know you did that, and I think you are a real jerk!." Well, unfortunately she is telling us something we already knew. Meanwhile, Perk is making random cameos saying awful things and being as we call it Perkalicious. SUNY Binghamton kids were slowly trickling back into town and Perk tricked two SUNY broads into hanging out with him, both of them were from Indiana(Editors note: I refuse to recognize Indiana as a state so I assumed they meant to say Ohio). Perk was engineering a deal with them as DB and I got back into our deviant actions.

We stormed one bar and began our normal drinking when I saw a girl who would routinely call me the wrong name every time I saw her. So I went up to her and said "There is a difference between me and the guy you keep confusing me with." She said "Whats that?" I said "Because he's not going to take you home and fuck you till you can't stand up and he doesn't have a dick like a coke can and a pussy eatin problem like I do." Her face dropped and became a little more intrigued, I stole the say the most dirtiest thing you can think of from The Ringleader, and it's worked like a charm. After some more tasteless comments like that, I began to polish off Bud Light after Bud Light until I began to take a swig and got queasy and almost threw up in my mouth. I think this was Gods little way of telling me I had enough to drink. DB and I stumble outside to find Perk putting the finishing touches on locking up his two Indiana(Ohio) broads. They, including DB, decide to run into the hotel across the street from the bar strip and go into the bathroom. As they run into the bathroom, they fail to take notice of the night manager who sees them. He walks into the bathroom and screams "You guys have to get out right now!" DB and the night manager decide to exchange words as follows:
Deranged Biker: How dare you come into the bathroom!
Night Manager: That was the ladies room, and you aren't staying here.
Deranged Biker: That is bullshit, I spend a lot of money to stay here and I won't take this!
Night Manager: I want to know what room you are in, you have 10 seconds to leave before I call the cops!

DB took a loss this match as our party left the hotel. DB and I storm one last bar before the evening ended. This is where I would pick up my trim for the evening in the most easiest yet confusing way possible. A pretty girl with nice boobs walks by me, and I grab her hand and I say "Hey listen, you need to come back to my mans house for an after hours party. We will have beer there." She says "Ok, sounds good." I generally have to work some sort of fly by night pitch to get a girl in a bar back to my house, but this one was smooth sailing. DB, her and I decide to go back to DB's house. We contact Perk and his Indiana(Ohio) girls to meet up with us at DB's. On our way back, I am talkin to this girl like I'm gonna get it. I have the deal virtually sealed.

We pull up to DB's and Perk and the two girls are outside. We all go inside and continue drinking. Perk disappears with one of his girls and the other one goes her own separate way, leaving me,DB and my catch. I try making out with her, she wants nothing to do with it. DB tries to make out with her, nothing happens. Perk re-appears and starts grabbing the catches chest. Now the party has started. We start groping her like a pack of maniacs, I honestly thought she was going to leave, but for some strange reason she stuck around. We all had the feeling she was putting up a front and then Perk says "I will take one for the team, lets get this party poppin." There is a pole in DB's basement...and Perk makes fantastic use of it. Perk begins performing a strip tease for her. I was torn between laughing and throwing up, it was one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. DB puts on a show for her as well, at this time Indian(Ohio) girls are walking into the room. To my surprise, they have been calling DB Galaxy(his stripper name) all night. The girls wanted to go home and Perk would not take them on the grounds of being too drunk to drive.(Editors note: He should have gotten two DWI's two nights before and almost hit someone with his car). I kept saying to the girls "So how do you like upstate New York?" "We hate it!" they said. "Why did you guys leave Ohio?" I said. "We are not from Ohio, we are from Indiana!" they replied. "Ohio must be nice this time of year." "Just shut up!" At one point, I did not let them back into DB's house, claiming they were trespassing. DB(Galaxy) calls them a cab to get them out of the house. As they walked away I scream "Could you ladies please wait for your cab off the property, you are decreasing the resale value of the real estate!" After this, Perk decides the party is over and bounces. I go back upstairs to sleep and DB and my catch sleep downstairs. He stole my girl that I stole fair and square. Thankfully, he did not fuck her that night.(Editors note: He fucked her three days later.)