The Tiger Woods Apology W/ Bonus Translation by FTRsports.Com

The much covered Tiger Woods drama gained momentum today when Tiger issued a public apology. Here's the entire apology with added FTRsports translation for your entertainment.

"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart.
I can't believe this b#$% figured out how to save voicemails and texts.

I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves.
I knew I should have just hired a professional like Shaq.

I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect.
My pimp game is weaker than my golf game.

I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family.
Hey Kobe, how long until my wife lets this one go?

Those feelings should be shared by us alone.
Someone tell TMZ to get out of my bushes.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means.
Being famous is awesome until you "lose your balls in a hazard".

For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives.
Why is Perez Hilton camping out on my front yard?

The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious.
Blah Blah Blah, I'm lying.

Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.
My wife has my balls in a mason jar in the garage.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy.
My lawyer just raised the price of his retainer.

I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family.
Please don't find all the other broads I've been banging around the world for so long.

Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.
Now I get what Bill Clinton was going through.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone.
How the hell did FTRsports.com find out about Elin having genital herpes?!

I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.
I refuse to admit to any other affairs until I have to.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.
I won't bang anymore randoms until you guys stop reporting on this story, or until I go to a country where the media won't notice. Whichever comes first. Sorry."

Hopefully this clears up any confusion you may have had when you first heard the apology.