The Tiger Woods Press Conference We Would Love to -- but Will Never -- See

Tiger Woods' agent, Mark Steinberg, released a statement Wednesday that had the golfing world -- nay, the entire sporting world -- taking note. It seems that the world's number one golfer will be holding a press conference, albeit a limited question, five-minute affair, Friday morning at 11 a.m. EST in Ponte Vedra, Florida.

Tiger Woods' agent says he's ready. "This is all about the next step," he told the Associated Press. It's all about an apology. And Tiger Woods' future. Which, incidentally, remains very bright -- because he committed infidelity, had affairs, was involved in a scandal; he didn't lose both legs in a yachting accident. Woods just needs to get back out on the Tour.

But what about the affairs, the mistresses? Are we going to hear anything about the scandal, or will he skirt all that? Probably. But wouldn't that be a more entertaining press conference? Seeing Tiger Woods address a small group of reporters and friends Friday morning is newsworthy, but, given the way these things usually play out, we already know he's going to strike a conciliatory tone, a placating tone, practiced and designed to alleviate the worries of his remaining sponsors and the PGA. He'll offer apologies for the affairs and the scandal to his wife, his family, the PGA, his fans, his agent, his colleagues, god, the universe, and even Douglas Adams. He might even mention his sex rehab stint. Then he'll tell us what he's planning. And he will finish the press conference with a few select and pre-approved questions from the selected and pre-approved reporters allowed entrance to the second coming of Tiger Woods.

No, what we would all like to hear is some honesty. None of that rehearsed crap.

It would be a day of vindication for the National Enquirer, the Sun, Star, the News of the World, and all the other tabloids if Tiger Woods actually started off his press conference with the statement: "Let me say first and foremost, I slept with those women. Yeah, that's right. I said it. I did it. Except for Joslyn James. She's lying. But all the rest of 'em, yeah, we did the nasty.

"And let me just say this. I'm rich. I'll do whatever I want -- and whoever I want -- on my time off the golf courses of the world. I'm a player. Let me clarify: I'm a play-ah. And since my wife is going to divorce my ass and take half of everything I got, I will have no reason not to continue being a play-ah (not that I ever did, come to think of it). Half a billion dollars still buys a lot of down time, if you know what I mean.

"Also, Phil Mickelson, Steve Stricker, Lee Westwood, watch your asses. The Tiger's back in town and I've got a half billion dollars to make up and some alimony to pay, so... this is a heads up. Before this year's out, you'll all be my b****es.

"That's it. That's all I got to say. Thanks for coming out. Now I got to go see a man about fitting me for a new green jacket."

Now, wouldn't that be a refreshing (and shockingly scandalous) press conference? Sure it would. That's why you'll never see or hear one like it. Not from Tiger Woods or any other sports figure. But you know you'd love to...

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Please note that the above is a work of fiction, a construct of the author's imagination, and in no way denotes anything vaguely realistic in the world of sports and press conferences -- except that Tiger Woods is actually conducting a press conference Friday morning at 11 a.m. in Ponte Vedra, Florida.

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Sources:

Associated Press
ABCNews.go.com