The Top 25 NCIS Season Five Premiere Quotes

The humorous and quippy banter among the NCIS team members throughout Tuesday night's Season 5 Premiere was far from disappointing.

From all of our favorite characters, here's the Top 25 best punch lines that you'll find yourself striving to work into conversations for the rest of the fall season.

Here's what to do. Choose your character. Then, use your own imagination and see what other fun stuff you can come up with!

Ducky

"Death would have been instantaneous. Small mercies my dear boy."

An appropriate way to welcome and warn a new employee that has just been given a hellacious task to accomplish by 5 pm for the overbearing boss.

"He has never had the damn plague!!"

The plague has so many infinite possibilities particularly since it doesn't have to refer to the pneumonic one. STD's? The office tramp? Virginity? Fill in the blank here.

Abby

"Don't try to tell me anything different, cause I'm not going to believe you."

Abby is just so cute, isn't she? Uh-uh. My hands are over my ears! I'm not listening!

Gibbs

"It's not loaded. I guess he beat you to it."

This one's for all the disappointed ladies out there!

DiNozza

"It's not you."

Ok. So this is one that all American women have had it up to here with. Still, when Michael Weatherly says it, doesn't your heart just get crushed all over again? Yeah. So worth it!

"Hey, my car blew up this morning...Did you do that?"

What to say to your ex-lover the morning after you find the cheater with your best friend. Weren't you listening? You can make the device yourself with about $10 of easy to get parts. Technology is so great!

"Happy Frog Hunting!"

Tell me again just how many of them I've got to keep kissing?

"That was more exciting live. Saw it. Heard It. Felt it."

Huge explosions, lots of heat, great big flames. Perhaps a bit too much personal information DiNozza?

"Beyond cold. Almost icy."

Thanks DiNozza for giving us the equal and opposite reaction all in the same episode. A fantastic new way to start classifying how our dates were over the weekend!

Shepard

"Proof? None." (Gibbs asks and Shepard answers)

Who needs proof? It's so overrated anyway. All you have to do is pique my interest. I'll take care of the rest.

"I want to know everything about this company!"

Beware of this corporate ladder climber and when he or she isn't looking, loosen one of the rungs.

"I honestly don't know and even if I did I certainly wouldn't tell you..."

A surefire way to KNOW you're being lied to. You can't fool me!

"I'll decide what briefing you get and where you get it!"

Reading in-between the lines this means, in my office, ten minutes, lock the door behind you. Oooh. Goosebumps!

"I've never failed a polygraph, I'm not about to start."

Make sure you lock the door and I'll deny everything.

"You have the bullets. Take the gun. Protect your damn self!"

Don't you just love it when a woman talks all flustered and assertive!

"That's a lot of crap and you know it."

What they tell you in the positively worded lecture right before they announce your job is now being performed by someone for cents on the dollar in a third world nation.

"I guess we'll never know."

Again, a bit cliché but so vaguely familiar that we just can't seem to escape from it.

Ziva

"Teams don't have secrets."

There is no I in team. There is no I in secrets.

"Not part of my training."

So few of us are miracle workers these days, now aren't we? A great way to feign ignorance and pretend you're not qualified enough to accomplish the task at hand.

"Must you keep doing that?"

Aw. But it's just so-o-o-o-o much fun to annoy you!

McGee

"It's Saturday and we're all here on our day off because we love our jobs."

Speak for yourselves! Unless, you're the crew of a Nascar racing team and you really are working on a Saturday because you love your job than this will always be a sarcastic comment.

"Whose bright idea was that?"

Say this one all you want, but learn from McGee's mistake and just don't let the Director hear you.

Jeanne Benoit (DiNozza's ex-girlfriend?)

"This has all been a lie."

What to say the morning after. Tell me again when it's okay to wake up from reality?

For the grand finale, my new personal favorite which I have adapted a bit from the angrily heated discussion between Shepard and Jeanne Benoit's arms dealer father, La Grenouille.

"I'm signing your death warrant. 12 Years Overdue!!"

(This one is just so great!)

If you listen carefully you just might hear the shuffling and rustling of the stack of papers on my computer desk while I'm happily signing away. I should be busy for a while. However, I might take a break every now and then. Don't worry. You'll still be able to find me. Look for the woman wearing pajama pants and Micky Mouseketeer ears as I will be interrogating every soul I come into contact with and yelling at them, "Where's my Mighty Mouse stapler!!"

Hey, if Milton in Office Space can end up on the beach, there could be some potential in there for me too. If not, I'll just have to resign myself to watching next week.

Thanks CBS for such an awesome first episode!

*NCIS is the property of Belisarius Productions, Paramount Pictures, and CBS. Copyrighted material belongs to its' original owners. The intent of this article is for entertainment purposes only. No infringement is intended.

Source for the Quotations: NCIS, Episode 1, Season 5: "Bury Your Dead"