The Top 5 Things Britney Spears Wants for Christmas

Unless you've been living on a rock without access to a television you know that Britney Spears has completely gone off her rocker. That's not her rocking chair at a nursing home, which is where she's headed if she doesn't knock it off; that's driving your car backwards down the middle of the freeway while snorting coke off your forearm AND dangling your kid out of the window.

5. A man. There were rumors that she and Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys were seen partying together, but partying does not a couple make. Yes, I said it that way for emphasis. Let's imagine, for example, the conversation between Brit Brit and Tony at some trendy nightclub in NYC:

Spears: So, y'all like my new tattoo?

Romo: Where?

Spears: Let me bend over so I can show you.

All the guys in the room: (Applause)

Sadly, those were just rumors and Brit was content to spend some more time with that other pulsating thing in her life.

4. That other pulsating thing in her life. Speaking of which, I hear they make those things in platinum now! That would match the color of her latest album, which is just roaring up the charts faster than a herpes outbreak!

Frankly, you'd need to make the thing out of plutonium to prevent germs from her escaping onto that thing, but you get the idea. Anyway, there are many different shapes and sizes one can pleasure oneself with

3. A baby carrier with an electric shock collar. That way, if Brit feels so inclined to unbuckle little K-Fed while roaring down the freeway, something called karma comes back and literally gets her in the, well, you know what I'm saying. Now that would be picture the papos could go to town with!

2. A nicer entourage. Think her entourage, assembled of the finest, most upstanding people in the history of the world, has helped her cause? Heck no! For starters, the bodyguard makes Scarface look like your everyday average citizen. Argue with him, as some dumb paps have done, and you're looking to miss a few teeth.

1. Her children! Whaddya think she wants back? Are you stupid?? I'll bet you thought I'd say a million dollars. She already has millions! What more could she want? Oh, yeah, that one thing she lost in a well-publicized court battle that made her look like a horse's ass: HER KIDS! I believe Spears would give up all of her fame (well, at least SOME OF HER FAME) to have the opportunity to tuck the kids in every night.