The Top 5 Things Dustin Diamond Wants for Christmas

When you're Dustin "Screech" Diamond, life is good. You're back on the D-list with Kathy Griffin, Carrot Top and that annoying guy from one of "The Amazing Race" episodes. But the one thing you don't have is a career like your former Saved By The Bell counterpart, Mario Lopez.

In fact Lopez has basically kicked your butt in terms of getting work in Hollywood. You're ranked third among your SBTB cohorts, and nothing you can do, including getting down to your skivvies, which you've already done, apparently, will ever match up to Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.

So here's what Screech wants for Christmas:

5. A woman, You know, this seems to be a common theme among Top 5 wish lists. Why is that? Because the thing you want the most may be out of reach. Diamond may dig Brit Brit, for example, but the chances of that happening are less than Brit getting her kids back in the next year.

4. A job. I don't count going out to comedy clubs as a novelty act as being solid work. It's great to poke fun at yourself, but come on already!

3. A lifetime supply of steak dinners. If you watched Diamond tear through meat like a ravenous carnivore living in Wisconsin (and we're not talking about Jeffrey Dahmer) during his fling on Celebrity Fit Club, you know damned good and well that Diamond is all about raising his blood pressure, elevating his heart rate and shrinking his package little by little, clogging the arteries and leaving him with one good hand.

2. A new sex tape. Since Kim Kardashian basically obliterated his sales (even though her tape isn't technically out in stores yet), Screech has been a man on an island, nibbling on cheese and letting his woman, er, manager have his bratwurst, possibly. Perhaps it's time to break out Volume 2.

1. A personal trainer. Somebody needs to kick his butt and get him into shape. The folks at Celebrity Fit Club tried, to no avail. Even a trained killer had his chance to break Screech down and nothing happened. I for one did not see that coming. Perhaps the folks at VH1 could have Dustin star in his own show, Celebrity Fat Club.