The Top 5 Things Mike Tyson Wants for Christmas

Iron Mike has had a rough week. Stuck in some God-forsaken desert Tyson wishes to have his life back, he says. If he means living on Dom Perignon and shrimp cocktails in one of his mansions on the East Coast, then the answer is no.

Now he can almost walk down the street without having people laugh at him in the privacy of their own homes. I doubt, seriously, that anyone would actually laugh at the man in public. Doing that would constitute your own death.

Of course, Tyson has had it bad. He's been to prison more times than I can count, he's had several gold-digger women leave him and take his money and he continues to make the wrong types of headlines. Google Mike Tyson and jail and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Lately, the only thing Tyson has been ogling is his pillow in his jail cell. Can't Mike get some relief? Here's how:

5. A woman. I know what you're thinking; why would any woman offer themselves to a guy who: 1. Is certified nuts; 2. Has had umpteen domestic abuse charges; 3. Has wrecked every semblance of his boxing career and 4. May be on drugs. Because it's Christmas and everybody deserves another chance, even if it's the 1,087,654^th, you know.

4. Boxing gloves. You gotta go with what brought ya here, you know. A famous guy once said that. And the only punching bag Tyson has had, other than that ridiculous one in Las Vegas where he is basically a sad sideshow act, has been the shapely type. Enough said. Time to get back in the ring and beat, pummel and eat some more people (and their children).

3. A vacation. This would probably help a lot of people, including Tyson. The only problem is, when you're Mike Tyson, you basically have to rent an island to get a vacation. Boxing is a popular sport, you know.

2. Vacation to Antarctica. This may be the one place that Tyson could go, where nobody would know his name. That's because the only true inhabitants of the island are penguins and they're big like Tyson. If there were any inhabitants on the island, like scientists, I would highly suggest they leave before Iron Mike arrives.

1. His own private island. That way, Tyson can do what he wants when he wants. He wouldn't have to answer to anyone, except himself. Sometimes that can be a lot of people so he would have to learn to micromanage himself, but Don King has prepared him for this moment.