The Top Sex Scandals of 2009

Nothing makes me happier than a nice, juicy sex scandal. This, of course, is partly because I'm a perv with a junior high school mentality. But I also enjoy these scandals because it's fun to watch the rich and famous squirm whenever they get caught doing what we all know they're doing. Some of them end up losing their spouse, their job, their reputation, and their future. I like that. Screw 'em. These people have won the lottery of life and yet they've still managed to cock it up because they forgot the two primary rules of sex.

Rule Number One: Never have sex with anyone other than your spouse unless your spouse says it's OK, which-take it from me-NEVER happens. But if, however, you happen to have a spouse who is extremely open-minded and gives you the thumbs up, go directly to rule number two.

Rule Number Two: Never videotape anything sexier than a kindergarten Christmas pageant.

Lucky for those of us who thrive on this kind of entertainment, the past year has provided some of the best sex scandals in recent memory. So sit back, have a beer and enjoy a trip down memory lane as I bring you the Top Sex Scandals of 2009.

Violators of Rule Number One

David Letterman

In perhaps the top sex scandal of 2009, the late night talk show host had to come clean about his fondness for stuffing his staffers when the former lover of one of Letterman's conquests demanded money to keep quiet. Before a studio audience and millions of at-home viewers, Letterman made a stunning confession of his numerous indiscretions and also revealed the extortion scheme. Later reports claimed that Letterman used his office as his stabbin' cabin, but despite engaging in inappropriate relations with the hired help, Letterman managed to hold onto his job. On the home front, however, the little woman was not happy with Dave's employee benefits plan and has reportedly sent him packing.

Steve Phillips

This ESPN baseball analyst was caught rounding third and sliding into home with a female coworker and ended up losing his job for it. It seems the married Phillips had been executing the hit-and-run on a regular basis with 22-year-old Baseball Tonight staffer Brooke Hundley. But getting caught cheating on his wife isn't nearly as embarrassing for the 46-year-old Phillips as the fact that Hundley looks slightly more feminine than Joe Torre-hardly the hot, young mistress middle-aged married men fantasize about.

Rick Pitino

Back in 2003, the University of Louisville basketball coach, a married father of five, met a woman in a restaurant bar and-as coaches tend to do-decided to put on a full court press. Later that night, Pitino successfully buried a slam-dunk through the lady's hoop and a couple months later had to shell out 3-grand for an abortion. The whole story finally came out this year when the woman, Karen Cunigan Sypher, threatened to reveal their little one-on-one game to Pitino's wife if the coach didn't pay Sypher 10 mil.

Mark Sanford

Ever set out on a walk to clear your mind, lose track of where you're headed, and end up miles from home unsure of where you are? Sanford, the married governor of South Carolina, went hiking on the Appalachian Trail and somehow ended up with his penis stuck inside a woman in Argentina. If that kind of thing happened to everyone, there wouldn't be an overweight, out-of-shape man in America.

Violators of Rule Number Two

Eric Dane

Hollywood sex scandals really aren't all that scandalous. Married or not, beautiful, rich people pretty much have sex with whomever they want whenever they want-we're used to it. The Eric Dane story, however, is interesting because he didn't really cheat on the old ball-and-chain. A homemade video shows Dane, his incredibly open-minded wife, actress Rebecca Gayheart, and former Miss Teen USA Kari Ann Peniche, all high, naked and presumably having engaged in what is universally known as every man's dream. If this doesn't earn Rebecca Gayheart the title of "Wife of the Year," there is no justice.

Carrie Prejean

This 22-year-old beauty queen made headlines at the Miss USA Pageant when she said she believed marriage should be between a man and a woman. Even bigger headlines came later in the year when a video surfaced showing Prejean back in her younger days engaging in an activity apparently in keeping with her belief that sex should be between a woman and her fingers.