The Top Ten Christmas Songs for People Who Hate Christmas

The leftover Thanksgiving turkey is packed in storage containers and you are dozing away in a Tryptophan and Carbohydrate induced coma, when it happens. You were drifting away to the soothing tones of "Back in Black" and "Crazy Train" and were suddenly jarred back to reality by Bing Crosby dithering on about snowy dreams. Yes, your favorite station has switched to the All Christmas Music format. For the next month the only Tom Petty you will hear is "Christmas Time Again", the only Bruce Springsteen "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town." It's enough to make you want to drown yourself in the nearest bowl of eggnog. For you carry a terrible secret. You hate Christmas songs.

Don't expect any sympathy either. Telling someone you hate Christmas songs gets you the same kind of reaction you get if you tell them you hate puppies and world peace. "No one hates Christmas songs", they will exclaim. But you do. And you aren't alone. There are more of us than you know, slouching through the holiday season constantly bombarded by jingling bells and sleigh rides to grandma's house. But there is hope. Deep within the dark corners of your local record store are the "other" Christmas songs. The ones that see things like you do. Instead of sleigh bells and mistletoe, you're much more likely to find public drunkeness, adultery, and cynicism. Here are ten of the best Christmas songs for people who hate Christmas music.

10. "Santa Claus and His OId Lady" by Cheech and Chong: Leave it to the godfathers of drug comedy to come up with one of the most demented versions of the Santa mythology ever invented. Instead of the North Pole, Cheech and Chong's Santa Claus lives in the projects, or did until he got kicked out for living with a bunch of noisy midgets. He travels all around the world with his flying reindeer who are all hopped up on "magic dust" but has to go undercover when people in the South make him cut his hair.

9. "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus" by Kip Addotta: It's amazing how a little sex change turns a Christmas classic into a sordid tale of gay love. Kip Addotta turns the classic "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" on its head while changing very few of the lyrics. It's the thought of the little kid watching his daddy kissing, fondling, and groping a bearded Santa that gets this one on the list.

8. "Merry Christmas from the Family" by Robert Earl Keen: From the opening line "Mom got drunk and dad got drunk at our Christmas party" you know this isn't your father's Christmas story. Indeed, this song succeeds because it doesn't paint the standard Norman Rockwell picture of a Christmas at mom's house. Instead, it plays just like 90% of your Christmas parties probably do. Sister brings over her new Mexican boyfriend, Cousin David brings over the new wife, his fourth, who drones on and on about 12 step programs. It even includes the multiple runs to the Quick Mart to grab forgotten supplies.

7. "She's Underneath the Mistletoe Again" by The Trailer Park Troubadours: Mistletoe is one of the crutches used by writers of "normal" Christmas music to denote romance and stolen kisses. Problem is, your sweetie standing under the mistletoe is only sweet if she's standing underneath it with you. The Trailer Park Troubadours bring you the dark side of mistletoe as a guy keeps losing his girlfriend only to find her "underneath the mistletoe again", always with someone else. It's a tale of lost love with a revenge twist.

6. "Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot and the Satellite of Love Choir: Leave it to the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000, who revolutionized making fun of bad movies, to make fun of Christmas by deciding what the holiday needs is a good action sequence. Based on the Patrick Swayze movie "Roadhouse", Patrick Swayze Christmas contains lyrics such as "It's my way or the highway this Christmas at my bar, I'll have to break your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car" and "I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till, I think that right jolly old elf better make out his will." If you like your Christmas mixed with martial arts, this is the song for you.

5. "Christmas at Ground Zero" by Weird Al Yankovic: The king of comedy songs checks in with his own twisted tale of Christmas after the nuclear winter. The thing that makes this song so great is that Yankovic plays it straight, delivering lines like "If the radiation level's ok, I'll go out with you and see all the new mutations on New Year's Day" with the same cheerful cliched Christmas song voice typically used for roasting chestnuts and rocking Christmas trees.

4. "Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra: If you happen to hate Christmas songs due to the twangy guitars and boppy piano, this is the song for you. Progressive metallers Trans-Siberian Orchestra turn Christmas music to 11 with this, their signature song. A medley of Carol of the Bells and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, this blows away any Nat King Cole standard you'll ever hear. If you think that alone doesn't place it this high on a list of Christmas Songs for people who hate Christmas Songs, one only has to look at the song's origins to see how dark this really is. Originally a cut on Savatage's "Dead Winter Dead", a concept album about the war in Bosnia, this is the tale of a concert cellist who, tired of the war in his beloved country, brings his cello out on Christmas Eve for one last concert as the bombs begin to fall around him.

3. "A Christmas Carol" by Tom Lehrer: If you dislike the overtly commercial nature of Christmas this song is right up your alley. Lehrer starts off with an opening shot that tells you exactly his opinion of the holiday. "Kill the turkeys, ducks, and chickens, mix up the punch drag out the Dickens. Even though the prospect sickens, brother here we go again". He then goes on to lampoon his real target, the commercial Christmas. "It doesn't matter how sincere it is or how heartfelt the spirit, sentiment will not endear it, what's important is the price."

2. "Kidnap the Sandy Claus" by Danny Elfman (from Nightmare Before Christmas): This is for the folks who REALLY hate Christmas. With a passion. Like, hate Christmas enough to wish harm upon its most famous symbol. Taken from what is easily the most demented Christmas movie in history, Danny Elfman writes a song that sounds straight out of a Saw movie, as the Halloweentown trick or treaters Lock, Shock, and Barrel discuss their plot to kidnap Santa. With lyrics like "Kidnap the Sandy Claus, beat him with a stick, bury him for 90 years, see what makes him tick" this is the stuff of nightmares. Unless you happen to hate Christmas. Then you find yourself rooting for the kids to succeed in their plans to "kidnap the Sandy Claus,chop him into bits."

1. "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" by Dr. Seuss: Was there ever any doubt what #1 would be? The most famous grouchy Christmas song about the most famous Christmas grouch. Voiced with deep voiced menace by horror icon Boris Karloff, The Grinch is the Christmas villain to end all Christmas villains. He's got the attitude of Ebenzer Scrooge, the heart of Scut Farkis, and the demeanor of Mr. Potter. It was this song sung by Thurl Ravenscroft, the voice of Tony the Tiger, more than anything that cements The Grinch's place in bad guy history. With lyrics like "you're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel" and "you have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile", there's no doubt in anyone's mind who the villain of this tale is. By the time he gets around to stealing the Roast Beast, it's almost anti-climactic.