The TOXIC EMOTION

This most toxic of all emotions derives from a ruptured true-self. It is the belief that one is flawed as an individual and not worthy of a relationship or love. In that void the individual finds a relationship with a substance or behaviors to alter the feelings of emptiness. The problems increase as the cycle of addiction is always a downward spiral. The more flawed the person feels, the addictive behaviors that are needed to relieve the pain. The more negative consequences follow.

Self-worth is often measured by an external barometer. It begins in the first years of life. We learn our worth when our needs are meet. It means we are valued. The child who is neglected or abused is likely have shame issues. One may think that the individual with a big ego does not have shame base. But, the inflated ego is often the mask an individual were to hide his feelings of inadequacy.

Mental obsession takes the individual out of the emotion and the void that he feels. Drugs and alcohol temporarily numb the pain. Acting on the negative emotion may involve a ritual of drinking, gambling, sexual acts, pornography, relationships, shopping, compulsive exercise, drugging, over eating, rage, or self-mutilation. The ritual ends in intoxication, disease, exhaustion, bankruptcy, or other negative consequences. What follows is the repeated entry into the cycle of shame.

The difference between shame an guilt is difficult for some to understand. Shame says: "I am bad, and unworthy of love", quilt says "my actions were bud, but I'm am still worthy of love." Shame is toxic because it keeps the individual from validation his existence. Shame states "I am not worthy to be." Healthy guilt is the emotion that controls our conscience. When we act in a manner that is contrary to our beliefs, guilt results. Guilt helps to internalize rules. The responsibility for change must be internalized and the individual changes his behavior to correspond with his value system. Guilt keeps integrity in the individual. It the imputes for change is external the behavior change is temporary.

Shame is a toxic feeling that one has no value as a person. Shame becomes the core of the individual's identity. There is nothing to be learned or grow from, because shame reaffirms the individuals negative self- image. So, this individual may become addicted to someone who offers them an identity. The individual may stay in an abusive job, because the job offers them and identity. The second born child syndrome come into play. Negative attention is better than no attention.

According to psychologist Eric Erickson the shame develops before the concept of quilt. An infant is totally dependent on the parent. If the infant does not develop trust by having his needs met in a constant and loving manner he will develop toxic shame.

Often the individual needs to enter into counseling or s spiritual relationships to identify and rid themselves of shame issue. In forming a healthy bonds with another people, the individual learns he is worthy and that he can learn to trust.

The individual that suffers from toxic shame has a difficult time with the concept of a loving Higher Power or God because the role models he has had have been less than loving or inadequate. The inadequate parent bequeathed upon his child and inadequate God. A God that is just as inconsistent or down right sadistic. If you have a damning God, you are dammed if you do, and dammed if you so. So what's the darn point?

We learn relationships with other human beings. The individual scarred with toxic shame often has difficulty with bonding and forming healthy, nurturing relationships due to his lack of trust. When someone states they have trust issues, it is a red flag for the root problem being shame.

Forming a relationship with this scarred individual often takes time, and willingness. The most important aspect of all change is willingness. The counselor must be wiling to nurture this growth of the scarred individual. The client with the injured self must be willing to give up his belief system and risk steeping out into a new and foreign world. They must be will to change the negative view. Despite the pain, this is the only world the individual has known and the adjust is equivalent to moving to another country and learning a new language. Rome was not built in a day!

If you suffer from an obsessive behavior or addiction, do not be afraid to reach out for help. Being able to see the world with a new sense of peace will change your life dramatically. Once you have experienced that change, you will be able to give this gift to others in a manner that no one else is capable. All your life you have just been waiting for this moment to arrive...