The Travelling Talking Vaginas Go to the Kentucky Derby

As Rita sat alone at home one weekend, while her husband was at a golf outing with the boys in Myrtle Beach, she began reminiscing about her younger years and all of the good times that she shared with her first husband. She came across a number of pictures from various horse tracks across the country, and mostly, pictures from the 14 Kentucky Derbies that they attended together. Their annual tradition ended abruptly with his death exactly 3 weeks after they attended their 14th Derby. The Derby was on the first Saturday in May, he died on the last Saturday in May.

With tears lamenting days gone by trickling down her cheeks, she called Allison. When Allison answered she knew right away that Rita had been taking a trip down memory lane as soon as she picked up the phone.

"Ally-Mae"? Rita said quietly.

"Been thinking about Greg, huh?" Ally-Mae was the nickname she had during that time. Rita rarely called her that any more. "Where's Gary?"

"Oh, he's at the annual 'Myrtle Beach Pretend I'm Still Young Convention'. He left Thursday and will be back tomorrow. I'm figuring it'll take him about a week to get over it. But, anyway, I've been thinking."

"Oh-oh!" Allison chimed.

"I want to go to the Derby one more time before I die. We have 8 months to get this together. If you guys don't want to go, I'm going by myself." Rita declared.

"It's ok with me, I'd like to go again." Allison and her husband had gone to the Derby with Greg and Rita, and three other couples. That year they rented an R.V. and in true Derby fashion, partied for over 48 hours, stopping intermediately to sleep for a few hours, or to do an illegal drug to wake them up, or eat. They brought a variety of great food, including steaks for grilling, crab-stuffed flounder, cooked shrimp and dip, bacon and eggs for breakfast, fruit, coffee, anything you would want. The beer and alcohol flowed like the Ohio River!

The others, Pam and Julie, had never gone, but had watched it on TV every year at Rita's house. Rita had a Derby party every year. The TTV's would don the mandatory Derby Hats. Rita would get out her Derby glasses from previous years and make mint juleps. She would have a buffet set up, the table garnished with red roses, and the food choices would include Kentucky Burgoo, Hot Brown, Sausage stuffed mushrooms, a plate of fresh vegetables, a melon plate, and of course, Derby Pie. She always made sure that they all had a program. They would eat and drink all day until Derby time, stand up and sing "My Old Kentucky Home", and watch the race cheering for their favorite horse. They would continue partying and all would spend the night, leaving on Sunday after breakfast, with jumbo mint julep hang-overs.

Rita had a conference call with Julie and Pam to discuss the Derby trip. "Aren't we a little old to be going to the Derby?" Julie asked.

"No, Charlie Whittingham was 81 and still training horses, and Queen Elizabeth was 81 when she went." Rita replied.

"Yeah, well they had seats." Julie retorted.

"Well, let me see what I can find." Rita bargained. "If I can find a package or tour or something that includes seats, would you guys go?"

Julie agreed, but Pam was more of a hard sell. "It depends how much it is." Pam didn't like to spend a lot of money at one time. She liked to make her money stretch. She still picked up pennies on the ground. "A penny saved is a penny earned," she'd always say. If Allison was around, she would always answer, "Yeah, in the 1800's."

Rita was a travel agent for over 20 years, back in the day when being a travel agent was considered a glamorous career, full of free travel, free hotel nights, first class seats on airplanes, and other great perks. Toward the end of her career, those amenities had disappeared. And then, after 9-11, and with all the different computer sites available for people to make their own arrangements, the role of the travel agent had all but vanished. It had joined the ranks of TV Repairmen or milkmen as career choices. But she still enjoyed looking for deals, especially if they were for the TTV's.

She immediately went to work on her computer looking at various packages that included tickets to the Kentucky Derby, hotel accommodations, and transportation to and from the track. Those were the most important things. After searching feverishly, she finally found a package that offered a no-frill hotel for 2 nights, Grand-stand seats, and transfers. "Jackpot!!! Even that tight-wad Pam would have to think that this is a great deal." she laughed to herself. She immediately made a reservation for the 4 of them so that she wouldn't lose this opportunity. They had a week to send their initial payment. The TTV's were having breakfast together the next day. Rita could hardly contain herself! "I can't wait until tomorrow and tell the girls." She went to bed, but couldn't sleep.

The next morning, the TTV's met at their favorite local diner where the food was delicious, the prices were reasonable, and they got a senior discount. Rita was the first one there. She ordered the coffee, and waited excitedly for the others. The last to arrive was Julie. She had a very troubled look on her face as she entered. "Uh-oh" Allison said, "Someone died."

Julie sat down, "My neighbor passed away 2 nights ago. When her daughter came to check on her, she found her dead sitting in her lazyboy with the t.v. on.

"Was that a surprise?" Allison asked, "The woman was 300 years old and had every disease known to mankind! I'm surprised she made it this long. At least someone found her right away instead of her just lying in the house until someone notices that the mailbox is overflowing."

"I know" Julie answered, "but it still isn't easy to accept. Poor thing."

Rita, changing the subject, exclaimed, "Well, I have great news! I found a package for us to go to the Derby next spring and it's only $795.00 per person." It includes tickets, the hotel, and transportation to the track."

"$795.00?!" Pam was stunned. "For one weekend? We'll need money to go out to eat, to bet with, for refreshments, for gas for the car to get there and back. We might as well figure on $1500 per person for the weekend."

"Oh, God, Miss 'I'm gonna save every penny so that when I die someone else can spend it.' If you don't want to go, that's OK, but we don't want to hear you crying about missing it because you're too cheap, AND you'll have to listen to all of our great stories about how much fun we had. It's up to you." Turning to the others, Rita continued, "what about you two? Do you want to go?"

Allison nodded, responding, "I already told you I'd go."

Julie agreed as well, "yea, oh what the hell, as long as we have seats."

"We will." Rita assured them. "Now, these seats are the worst seats at the track. There's nothing overhead, so if it rains, we'll get soaked. But they're seats. We have 8 months to pray for good weather!"

"So what do you say, Pam?"

"I don't know, I have to talk it over with Don. That's a lot of money."

"Well, you have 5 days to make up your mind."

After discussing the matter with Don, Pam agreed to go, and actually acted excited about it.

The first thing they did to raise money is they had a garage sale. It was late in the garage sale season, and they knew that the regular salers would show up, knowing that the sales were going to end soon, and they were trying to get that last great deal. They also dined out less, and went to more free events. They put the money they would have spent into a special bank account and made regular monthly payments on their packages. They decided that they should all get the trip cancellation insurance, just in case one of them dies, or falls and breaks a bone, or falls prey to any other malady that comes with aging. They even gathered their old jewelry and sold it to a local jeweller. Every penny went into the "Derby fund."

Finally, after what seemed like a few months, the day arrived for their trip to Louisville. All had survived the past 8 months, and none were diagnosed with a life threatening disease. As they were packing up Allison's van, Rita related the details of her latest appointment with her doctor. "Have you noticed that now that we're older, we don't 'come down' with anything anymore, now we're 'diagnosed'? Well, I'm happy to tell you that I was not 'diagnosed' with anything new."

"That's great," Allison responded, "Let's get going. It's almost 6. We'll get to Cincinnati after the the morning rush hour, maybe around 10." Rita's exuberance was contagious; all of the women were giddy and looking forward to the weekend. "OK, did everyone go to the bathroom? I don't want to have to stop at the first rest area." Julie remarked that she didn't have to go. "You better go anyway. You know how that sneaks up on you. One minute that's the last thing on your mind, the next minute, you can't wait." chided Allison. Paula advised, "You should do what I do if I know I'm going to be in a car for most of the morning, instead of having a cup of coffee, I take a few Excedrins. Works great!"

Everyone assembled, and the final check list put away, the ladies were on their way to the "Blue Grass State." During the 6 hour trip, the TTV's argued about who was the best radio talk show host, and since they couldn't agree, they put on a "Classic" Rock and Roll" station. The first song they heard was "Roxanne". Rita and Allison started laughing. On the infamous RV trip, one of the guys got way too drunk and crawled under the RV, with only his feet sticking out, and bellowed most of the night, "Roxanne". Some of the people from the neighboring RV's were not happy about it, but, hey, it was Derby Time. The TTV's sang along with Steppenwolf, George Thorogood, Ted Nugent, and any other artist, and told stories about the song's relevance to them. They actually learned a lot about each other in that jaunt. Rita and Allison were old "happy hippies", Pam was a motorcycle mama, and Julie was the studious, ambitious type. They no longer swore each other to secrecy about their tales, they knew no one would really remember them. And besides, what difference would it make?

They got to Louisville, checked into their hotel, and started making their plans for the next few days. Rita was adamant about getting a "Racing Form" so that she could study the entries for the races. The TTV's went to the area surrounding Churchill Downs, knowing that quite a party would be going on. It's amazing what a good party will do for the soul. Luckily, they found a decent parking spot, not too far from the track, and began walking. Rita was able to get her "Form" and they checked out the various vendors, picked out t-shirts, lapel pins, and food. They stopped at a few bars and paid inflated prices for drinks, but that was OK. After a few drinks, Pam became too involved with the Karaoke at one bar, so the ladies decided that maybe it was time to get back to the hotel. They dragged her off the stage after she finished her rendition of "The Weight".

Finally, Derby Day! It was bittersweet for Rita. Her recollections of past derbies and knowing that this would be her last filled her eyes with tears. They found their seats. It was a glorious spring day. It was time to get down to business, that was, picking the horses, and winning a bunch of money. The girls pooled their money and relied on Rita to make the picks and bets. She picked the "daily double". She claimed that the winners names were just jumping out at her. She always followed her hunches when it came to betting. While she was running back and forth to the betting windows, the others walked around people watching. They went into in infield and came back with stories about the girls exposing their breasts, the drunken people passed out on the walking path, and the usual infield hijinks.

The Derby race was coming up. The girls returned to their seats. They brought Rita a mint julep, even though she was not allowed to drink because of her health. "What the hell" she said as they toasted. She hadn't looked at the horses for the Derby race. She thought the race was too hard to handicap, so she always went by gut instincts. When she opened the program, there they were!!! "Gregswatching" "Heavens Next" and "We're In The Money" She didn't even look at the other horses names. Amazingly those horses corresponded with the same numbers Greg always bet, 7, 2, 8. His birthday was July 28th. She grabbed her purse and ran to the betting windows. Her heart was thumping and her hands were shaking as she made the bets. The adrenalin was rushing through her body. "I'm gonna have a heart attack if I don't calm down," she thought. She made it back to her seat just in time to sing "My Old Kentucky Home." She stood there, tears rolling down her cheeks, checking and rechecking her pocket for her betting slips, fidgeting back and forth. When they sat back down, she grabbed her mint julep and tossed it down like it was water. She didn't tell the girls that she had bet all of their money on that race.

Finally, "THEY'RE OFF!" Everyone was standing and cheering on their horses. Rita kept her eyes glued to the TV screens. The horses were so bunched up that it was hard to tell what positions they were in. As the horses rounded the final turn and headed towards the finish line, the TTV's were on their feet, screaming, "Go! Go! Go!" The horses crossed the finish line, but no one knew who won. They sat waiting impatiently for the results to be posted. At last, after what seemed like hours, the tote board lit up: 7-2-8. Rita let out a scream of joy. The four of them wrapped their arms around each other, forming a circle, jumping up and down in delight. Every ticket in Rita's pocket was a winner. They headed to the payoff windows. Rita got in line, and the others waited her. They were on pins and needles having no idea how much they won. When they saw Rita walking towards them, her face, in fact, her whole body told the story. It was a lot!

"How much? How much?" Pam asked. She loved money, don't you know.

Rita considered making her suffer, but couldn't do it. "$12, 476!," she blurted. The reactions were priceless. "No way, Oh my God, Holy cow." The laughing and jumping resumed. These were four happy ladies.

"Don't say anything on the bus going back to the hotel about it. We don't know these people," Rita warned.

But once they were back in their room, the jubilation continued. "Let's go out to dinner and have lobster and some champagne," Julie suggested. Everyone was up for that. They knew that the ride home the next day would be a breeze and they could bask in their good fortune all the way back. The money was split up evenly among them, but they held out $2,000 for their emergency fund.

"What an end to an era." Rita smiled as she got out of the van. "Love you all!"

"Love you, too" they all responded.

What a finale, indeed. Bless their hearts.