The Tricky and Rewarding World of Making "Mommy Friends"

The world of motherhood opens many new doors, including the one to new friends. It is somewhat like being in high school again, where you like someone that you've met and want to be friends, but you're not sure that they feel the same way. So you're self-conscious and wonder how much to reveal and what to keep private until you know each other better. But once you've crossed that boundary, you often have a deep and meaningful relationship in a much shorter time-line than previous friendships because of the shared love of children.

My three-year-old peed on my yoga mat recently and a few days ago both of my children got into the crazy juice and were determined to infect me as well. The only thing that kept me from walking out, screaming, or something worse, was that I knew that on the other end of a phone line was a girlfriend who understood exactly what I was feeling. Having "Mommy Friends" is a critical part of motherhood and well worth the effort put into finding and maintaining them.

But still, finding these all important people can be difficult at first. Here are some common conundrums and suggestions for how overcome them.

How do I meet someone I actually like?

Not all mothers are created equal, and just because they happen to live nearby or have children of a similar age does not mean you will become life-long friends. But the only way to find out is to try.

If you at a community playgroup or the playground and see a mother wearing something you love or reading a book you are interested in, compliment her and then ask where she got it or her opinion of the plot. A common interest is a good starting place and you'll soon see if you have complementary personalities. Similarly, if your child seems drawn to another, follow her lead and then start a dialogue by commenting to the mother how well the children get along. For those of us who are not comfortable in large groups, it may be harder to bond with other mothers so give yourself time and try to be open to others' efforts. Fortunately, when children are young, who is at their play date is not likely to be that important to them, just that they have other little people to play with and you can talk with women you feel the greatest connection. As they are older, your "Mommy Friend" is more about you than them, anyway.

How do I not scare her away?

After you've found someone(s) with whom you connect and want to spend more time with, it can feel like a delicate balancing act of being interested but not pushy. Remember that just about everyone feels this way. A recent poll by Parenting Magazine found that almost all mothers feel vulnerable and nervous about making new friends.

Take a deep breath, pick up the phone and set up a time to see each other again. Or tell her something funny your child did and you wanted to share with her. Most, if not all, mothers will be flattered and probably are just trying to find the time or nerve to call you. And remind yourself that life isn't all about you - they might need you as a friend during this stage of their life just as much as you need a friend.

We're not clicking, what do I do?

Sometimes it just doesn't work out, on her side or yours. Who your friends are going to be may or may not be who you originally assumed you would like, and not pursuing a friendship is a delicate endeavor because you want to be sensitive to her feelings.

Brutal honesty is not the best method, instead let conversation return to small talk or tell her that you aren't comfortable hearing about her sister's marital problems. Invite others along when you get together, and gradually let things fade out. Particularly for new friendships, she is likely to understand what you are not saying and may feel the same way.

How do I get past small talk?

What your child ate, how long he slept, whether she is going to pre-school at this school or the other, and other mundane encompassing aspects of daily life are safe topics. But real friends get past these fairly quickly.

If all of your conversation is strictly surface level after several weeks and you want more, try sharing a problem and see how she responds. Or ask her how she is doing outside of her children and give her the opportunity to share with you. Do what you can to send the signal that you want to talk about more than just the lighter side of life. Similarly, see if you can get together without the children. Have lunch together, go walking, or host a girls' night. "Mommy Friends" are mothers, but also are women who probably crave "me" time.

A seasoned working mother once told me she had a core group of friends who were her "cheaper-than-therapy friends." She could call them to laugh, cry, rant, and rave, and knew they would not judge her and would probably have words of wisdom or commiseration. Ask any mother, no matter what the age of her children, and she is likely to at least a few women whom she relies on for advice, support, and laughter. She might have tips for how she met them, too.