The Trouble with Vindictive Ex-Wives

The divorce rate in the United States is at an all-time high. Marriage, unfortunately, just isn't what it used to be. Too many families are affected by divorce, especially the innocent children involved. The "American Standard" is to get married, have babies, and to live happily-ever-after. It just plain-out doesn't work that way the majority of the time and sometimes one party is left dealing with a vindictive spouse for the rest of their lives.

Here is the way it should happen for most. Get married, stay married for a few years, and then decide to have children. Learn each other and love what you like about them and work together on what you hate. Now we all know this isn't a picture-perfect world and that's like saying there should be peace in the Middle East. No child asks to be brought into this world. They are completely innocent and without fault and they are the real victims in an unfortunate situation.

Before getting started, this, by no means is a direct stab at the female gender; I myself am a mother, divorcee, and a second wife; but it is to hopefully open some eyes. Grant it, there is a countless number of men out there that have children and end up MIA. They aren't around to visit them, to go to any school or church functions, and much less pay any amount of child support. I have no tolerance for these "dead-beat-dads". With that being said, what happens when a father, who does everything right: shows up for visitation, pays child support, calls the kids on a regular basis, and comes to church plays and football games, is denied his parental rights and as a result, the father-child relationship is destroyed?

This happens all too often, and if you just look around, you will see it. It costs a lot of money and time to raise children, not to mention the emotional stress from being a full custodial parent. That doesn't give anyone the right to use any of that against the father that is no longer in the house as a full-time parent. No matter the reason of the divorce, the primary focus should be on the children; their health and mental state.

Vindictive ex-wives often use the court ordered visitation as a weapon. If the father is late, not behind, on child support, they will refuse scheduled visitation as a punishment and to get some "fire under the behind". What many don't realize is this is contempt of court and, in some states, grounds for custody. Refusing a father his visitation rights isn't something to play around with too many times. It not only hurts the father, but it doesn't send a real good message to the children. It may be done just to show some sort of control. Either way, it isn't healthy or right for neither the father or the kids.

Why would a mother not answer the phone when she knows the father is calling to talk with the kids? Is it control, down-right hate, or entertainment? There are numerous mothers out there that would fall over dead if the father took the time to pick the phone up and call. How is this healthy for the children? What does this show them? They have no idea their father has called, so in their eyes, he doesn't care. How sad is that?

Brainwashing is also a severe method used. This, in my opinion, is one of the harshest things a mother could do to a child. Vindictive ex-wives may speak negatively of the father in the children's presence and letting them hear any disagreements or wars had between the two. Why in the world is this considered okay? It teaches a child that it is acceptable to think bad about the other parent and it teaches them nothing about respect. As a mother, I cannot imagine letting my child hear one derogatory word about his father. I know from experience this will only turn him away from me and form some sort of resentment in the long run. Believe it or not, they do grow up and they do remember. When things are said about the fathers that aren't necessarily true, these ex-wives should remember they will have to answer for that one day. It may be a confrontation by the father when the children are older, or the children directly asking them. Both ways, it could be a very uncomfortable situation and the ex-wife sure isn't going to come out smelling like a rose.

Here's the point. If you are an ex-wife and you have an ex-husband that tries with all his might to be a "daddy" and he's not just a "sperm donor", let go of your pride and be proud that you are not one of the ones left to do it on your own. Be happy that the kids will see their daddy at sports events or recitals. Be happy that you have that extra income to help take care of bills and food. Be glad he wants to talk to them and see them. If you can't get along, there is a simple solution: Don't talk unless it has to do with the children. You can always email or text if you can't have a civilized conversation with each other. Don't destroy your children, along with a relationship with their father due to your selfishness and insecurities. If there isn't a legitimate reason for there to not be a relationship there, it isn't up to you to take it away.