The Truth About the Bad Side of Being Married to a Chef
The Hours
Just about anyone who works in a kitchen professionally is going to be working long hours. Line cooks, dishwashers and sous chefs, it's all the same. The kitchen in a restaurant starts operations many hours before the restaurant actually opens. And it keeps running long after the restaurant is closed. Most kitchen staff will be expected to work a shift that is anywhere from 10 - 16 hours long. Yes, they MAY get a break, but not always. The hours in a kitchen are just different. There have been many days that my husband left for work before my children got up for the day and did not come home at night until after they were already in bed.
If a chef is not working long hours, he is usually working late hours. Many restaurants stay open, serving food, until Midnight or even 2 am. Many chefs and line cooks will be expected to work until the restaurant is closed and then do the end of shift close down. Some places have a clean up crew and some places expect the chefs and dishwashers to do all of the cleanup. This means that a chef may not get home from work until 2 - 4 am. Every day that they work. This will then result in a spouse who is sleeping all day until they have to be at work. Keep in mind that a chef coming home at 2 am is not going to sleep at 2 am. They need to wind down, eat dinner, watch TV, and they usually want to talk about their day. Being married to a chef can sometimes feel like being a single parent. Or just like being single again. When a spouse is working 12 -16 hour days for 5- 6 days a week it can cause major stress in a relationship.
The Days
I've mentioned the long hours and sometimes 6 day work weeks, but that is not the end of it. A chef is working when the rest of the world is playing. Holidays and weekends are not their days to relax. If you are married to a chef then chances are good you will rarely get to spend Valentine's Day with them. Or Mother's Day, Father's Day, your birthday, Easter... well, you name the holiday. Most restaurants stay open on holidays to serve the public who wants to eat out and celebrate. I have been lucky enough that the restaurant my husband is working at is closed on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day, but not all of them are. If you want a traditional marriage with your spouse celebrating holidays and cooking on the grill on the weekends, then marrying a chef is not for you. Carrying the burden of celebrating alone or trying to celebrate with your family without your spouse is not easy day in and day out.
The Drugs and Alcohol
The kitchens of many restaurants are breeding grounds for drug and alcohol addiction. The problems I mentioned above all contribute. It's hard to really say why these addictions are so prevalent in kitchens across the world, but ask anyone who works there and they will tell you the same thing. My husband suffered and recovered from addictions before I ever met him. And I still worry every day that he goes to work that he will slip. The long hours and need to unwind after being in the weeds all night make the relaxation of a drink or drug use almost irresistible to many. The key, according to my husband, is to have a supportive partner who listens. When my husband rolls in at 2 am and wants to tell me about his day, I wake up and listen. I give him feedback. He knows that I am there to sympathize and that I understand.
Being a chef is hard work. They have to love their work in order to put up with all of the down sides to being a chef. And being involved with a chef, whether dating, living with or married to them, is even harder. You have to be truly committed to the relationship and understanding of the calling that your partner has. In the end, for me, the good sides of my husband and his job make up for the down sides.
Published by Tracy DeLuca
Mother of three, writing to stay sane in the midst of chaos. View profile
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21 Comments
Post a CommentWow! I feel like the words were just taken out of my mouth! I am also married to a chef, a chef who decided to go to culinary school instead of pharmacy school 4 years into our marriage and while I was pregnant with our second child who is now three. I thought I was going to have a more traditional life as you mentioned, now I find myself going to bed alone, caring for the kids alone and eating all my meals alone. When women get all giddy because I tell them im married to a Chef, I just laugh to myself when they imply that I get to eat great food and think they have no idea, haha!
MJ, when my husband is working a closing shift it can sometimes be as late as 1 or 2 in the morning before he gets home. It all depends on when the restaurant stops serving, how bust they were and whether they have cleaning staff or do their own clean up.
It is a hard thing to be involved with a chef. There are benefits but it is hard. Good luck and if you love your bf then try to talk to him. Communication is the key!
hi my bf is a chef as well, and he's workin in a 5 star hotel here in London. Its true that our relationship is affected because hes coming home late around midnight (well thats what he said finishing around midnight). Are chefs really working until midnight though? And whenever he gets home he's stress and sometimes he's putting his own stress on me which is not right and which is unfair for me. But on the other hand whenever he's off, im working as well so we don't have really time to be with each other.
found this amusingly true article while looking up names for my new blog about this same daunting topic. just wanted to add that not only does the chef come home late - but he also comes home stinky - there is nothing worse than the smell of the kitchen (fryer oil and all) coming into your bedroom via your husband's clothes, skin, hair, etc... yuck!! that's just my 2 cents.. hang in there!
great article, I too am married to a chef. Those are all words that I have said, sounds like I could have written it. I actually found it by searching being married to a chef as I sit here on Fathers day being a single parent upset he is not coming home like he had said he would. Good luck to all of us.
John, you are so correct about the drug use. My husband jokes that he is one of the only people in the kitchen who could possibly file for workers comp since he is one of the only ones who does not do drugs!
Restaurants are often the only place a drug user/addict can find a job. They rarely do drug testing and is considered common knowledge that if you work in a restaurant, your a drug user to some degree.
I worked as a line cook for about a year for a large country club restaurant. It was great fun with a very fun group of people. It's almost like working on a Pirate Ship on the open sea because depending on the night, it could be smooth sailing or the worst storm you've ever encountered.
I finally quit and will not return to restaurants because of the HOURS and the Work Days. I cannot stand working on holidays and the fact that you MUST work when everyone else is playing. Screw that.
I too am married to a chef and I agree with everything! It is very tough and you do have to be very committed. It was nice to read though that I am not alone in feeling that I am a single parent sometimes!
Great article! Very good points.
It was good to read this. When I first opened it up I couldn't imagine the drawbacks of a career that to me would mean I didn't have to cook as often. ;)