The Truth Behind the Peanut Butter Recall

The FDA has recently recalled thousands of pounds of delicious creamy peanut butter, warning consumers "don't eat peanut butter." This organization is known to many Americans as being the Nazis of the food world and this just seems like another scheme to find a solution to the peanut butter question. Now I have uncovered a conspiracy that stretches from the old American south right up to current historic events that have occurred in our political system. I must warn you now, if you are sensitive to racial injustices or absurd conspiracy theories, STOP READING NOW. If you choose to continue then take a walk with me into a shadow world where things will be uncovered that will forever change your view of our old friend, the peanut.

After extensive internet searches I discovered a top secret document on a website called www.fda.gov. This site can take hours to crack but with the help of my cyber team we were able to get in and we found a page that says something about the link between peanut butter and salmonella. Salmonella is apparently the plural version of the word salmon which is a staple in the diet of Eskimos. The United States and Eskimos have been at war for many years with both sides trying to come up with ideas to wipe the other out. We gave them herpes and wal-mart, they gave us Eskimo pies. Americans just couldn't resist the creamy goodness of those pies and our efforts to market herpes as a skin moisturizer to them didn't go over well. Bottom line, they were winning and our government only had one organization to turn to, the FDA.

After extensive field research done in the frozen tundra of Alaska, agents for the FDA realized that salmonella was the number one food consumed by the snowman (snowman is the codeword used by the FDA for the Eskimo) and this was the way to wipe him out. Operation, "Starve the Snowman" was under way. The plan was to take all the salmonella from their streams and bring them back to the USA, holding them hostage and demanding the recipe for their yummy pies. The FDA dispatched some of their best fishermen to the streams to begin the extraction of the Eskimos food supply. This extraction did not go over well, and after thirty five days of standing in frozen streams many agents died of hypothermia and many fell in love with local Eskimo women and began new lives living in igloos making frozen babies. After seeing this would not work, the next idea was to have all the streams diverted into the United States but the only question was, to where? The only idea that came up would answer the question to two problems, peanut butter factories.

Peanut butter was invented by George Washington Carver. He was the illegitimate son of our first president, George Washington, and apparently he married and chose to take on his wife's name of Carver. Carver was a man of color who experimented with agriculture and is considered the inventor of many of our great foods we have today including Hungry Man microwave dinners. For a black man to be as accomplished as he was meant a big step in the right direction for handshake relations in our country. (I will get to the handshake part in a short while.) The FDA at the time tried in vain on many occasions to sabotage his research but Carver was always one step ahead of them. You see, in the beginning the FDA was known as FKDKAK. No one has any idea what this stood for but eventually this group broke up and formed two organizations, the FDA and the KKK. The KKK went on to become makers of giant crucifixes soaked in gasoline and stylish white robes which their members modeled accordingly at secret meetings. Apparently these meetings were so secret that only people who knew the secret handshake were allowed in. In the Supreme Court case of Tompkins v. The KKK, it was founded that this was unconstitutional and the government could no longer fund a group that participated in secret handshakes. So the KKK went off on its own but the FDA continued to prosper under government funding.

This all brings us to Carver and his feud with the FDA. The FDA apparently saw Carver as a threat to The United States but was never able to find any charges on him. Carver had the last laugh because on January 5^th 1943 he passed on to the giant peanut in the sky. It's said that his last words were," The FDA can kiss my black ass!" Of course this can't be confirmed but others have said they heard him say, "Save the peanut, save the world." Regardless of what his last words were, the FDA has held a grudge for over sixty years and now they have their chance again to ruin a prosperous black man; Barack Obama is the next target of the FDA.

By rerouting all salmonella streams from Alaska to peanut butter factories, the FDA will taint the USA's supply of peanut butter, causing Americans to vomit and have explosive diarrhea when they realize how awful fish and their favorite creamy snack taste together. This could cause a national crisis which they can link back to Carver because he came up with the idea of peanut butter and he refused to learn any of the secret handshakes. Because the FDA does not want someone in the White House who doesn't know the secret handshake the public will blame Obama for the crisis. He will be impeached within months and as a bonus the Eskimos will either starve to death or be forced to give up the recipe for their tasty treats to the United States. As you can see this all works out well and it doesn't take a genius to see through this veil of secrecy. I have to go now, as this line is tapped and I do fear for my life. Godspeed my fellow Americans and good luck.