The Truth About Men

I find it eternally amusing that most women I talk to are baffled by men. They seem to think there is some deep dark secret about guys and if they can just figure it out, it will all make sense. They look for deep meaning behind every phrase and every gesture. The women I talk to seem convinced that men must be thinking of things in some deep way. I think this is because, let's face it guys, women are better than us. No, no, don't argue the fact. Even back when women had no rights and men acted like they were in charge, the women were maniuplating things behind the scenes. You know it and I know it.

If it were up to men to have the children this species would have died out a long time ago. It is that fact alone that makes me wonder if there is some kind of intelligent design out there. I am not speaking for every man, but for myself. When I get a cold I lay in bed, moan loudly at the ceiling, wail and cry and bascially act as if the world is coming to an end and I actually had some form of Ebola virus. There are women I know who go to work while vomiting!!!! Vomiting, people!!! If I have a bad headache you can't get me out of bed. If vomit even comes to the back of my throat I call out of work. I know women who will be at work, excuse themselves, go the the restroom, vomit and then come back to work and say they can finish the day because their stomach feels better.

If it were men who had to give birth, the most horrific and painful-looking thing in the world, it would have stopped a long time ago and man would have died before they came down from the trees. I know I could not survive having a monthly period, the weight gain, the constant pressure on the bladder not to mention the whole passing-something-the-size-of-a-bowling-ball-through-a-narrow-opening part of the whole birthing experience. So, basically, women are stronger and better than us men. Consequently I suspect they may be more highly evolved than us and they think more than us. They are more emotionally connected and they expect that of us men. Well, ladies, here is the secret of men. We are not deep thinkers. We are generally base people who only want the most basic of things.

My friend Scott once told me a joke he had heard somewhere that I feel illustrates this beautifully. I don't recall where he heard this (and if he is reading this maybe he will leave a comment and tell us) and over the years since he first told me I have adapted and changed the joke to the point that I don't think it actually matches what he told me, but the essence of it is the same. Ladies, here is how a man thinks and feels in the most basic sense.

What does a woman want from a date? She wants to have it planned in advance so she can get her hair, finger and toe-nails done and buy a new dress or shoes. She will spend hours in the bathroom getting ready and hours doing her makeup and hair. She will then debate for hours over the clothes to wear. She then expects the man to show up on time, dressed nicely and smelling perfect with hair done and with flowers. She wants a nice dinner at a nice restaurant with a good atmosphere. She expects fine wine and great food and even better conversation. She wants to laugh and be interested. She wants the man to listen and respond to her. She then wants a movie, dancing, or another place to go for a nice drink. Then, upon returning home she wants a nice kiss, more conversation. If things get romantic she wants plenty of touching, massaging, maybe a hot bath, candles, music and lots of foreplay. Only then, after all of these needs are met is sex on option.

Ladies, what does a man expect? Show up naked, bring food.

That really is it. That is all we are. Sure, I bet there are many men (including the aforementioned Scott) will argue that they are deep thinkers. That they consider all of those things and do it willingly. But guys, you know, deep down, the monkey-brain that controls you is really just hoping for that second part there, especially the naked part.

I once drew what I considered to be a man's brain and what sections remember what. Basically I took a drawing of a brain and drew a line down the middle. One half was devoted entirely to sex. Finding sex, having sex, finding more sex. The other half was divided into movie quotes. This part of the brain is adaptable and spongy and eternally expandable. Therefore it can change to remember sports statistics as well as every line from The Godfather. Whatever is left is not expandable, but rigid. Therefore when something new gets added to whatever is left something has to be deleted. This is why a man like myself can recite the entire movie Jaws from beginning to end but I can't remember my parents' anniversary. This is why you can remind your husband/boyfriend/fiance five thousand times that he needs to stop at the bank on Friday and he will still forget when Friday comes around. There was probably a ballgame or sporting event on the night before and that part of his brain had to expand to remember every play and detail and the part that contained the Friday/bank information simply had to be deleted.

This is the truth about men. We are very simple creatures. Stop looking for depth where there is only a shallow pool. Men like things that blow up and make loud noises. When they are cold they want to get warm. When they are hungry they want to eat. When they are thirsty they want to drink. When they are horny...well, you get the idea. It is really, and truly, just that simple.

Now, if you can excuse me, I have to go review the stats from last nights White Sox victory over the Kansas City Royals. Paul Konerko hit a beautiful three-run homer last night with Iguchi and Thome already on base.

I still don't know when my parents' anniversary is, however.