The Truth About Pregnancy

When my husband and I decided to conceive our first child, I wasn't too worried. After all, I was no spring chicken at 35 and I had watched countless friends go through pregnancy. Morning sickness, weight gain, swelling; I had heard about all of it and knew exactly what I was in for. Or so I thought.

It wasn't long at all before I realized terms like "morning sickness" were created by someone with a sick sense of humor. And then I started experiencing things I had never heard of before. Did you know they make maxi pads for boobs? Until I got pregnant, I had never heard of that! And then I began to wonder why I had no clue of what I had gotten myself into. I mean, my friends had children and my mother had me, so why had none of them shared any of this with me? Then it dawned on me, if they had told me the truth about pregnancy I would have completely stopped having sex with my husband. If all women knew just what they were in for, procreation might come to a halt and that would be the end of the human race! So I have decided to tell you all the secrets of what pregnancy is really like and let you come to your own conclusions.

Morning Sickness !

At first I thought myself pretty lucky. I was 5 weeks pregnant and I had not felt the slightest bit of nausea, and then week 6 came along and I sure felt it then. What they fail to tell you is that so called "morning" sickness can hit you at anytime. I was sick all day long, the feeling never went away. And it's not like when you have the flu and you immediately feel better after throwing up. No, the nausea keeps right on rolling. Books will tell you to eat carbohydrates first thing in the morning, eat ginger, eat a cracker, and so on to make the feeling go away but those things never worked for me. It's hard to eat a cookie when you are too busy tossing them.

The good news is that it is not the same for everyone. Some stay sick throughout the whole pregnancy, but the majority no longer feel it after the first trimester. And some are lucky enough to never experience it at all.

Sore Boobs

Pregnancy boobs are like Christmas morning for the husbands. You just wake up one day and there you are, an instant boob job. The problem is, they HURT! My poor husband couldn't get near me with a ten foot pole. It was always normal for me to have sore boobs with PMS, but this was different. They felt like someone had ripped them off and super-glued them back on. Luckily, this is again something that usually disappears after the first trimester.

Breast Pads

Speaking of boobs, did you know they can leak? I knew after the baby that was supposed to happen when your milk comes in, but not before. They actually make little round maxi pads for breasts. You just stick them inside your bra and you're good to go. Just make sure you carry a supply of these on hand. Nothing like being out in public and trying to explain you were just trying out for a wet t-shirt contest.

And You Thought PMS Was Bad?

We all know that pregnant women get mood swings, but again, this is something they do not tell you about how bad they actually are. All I can say is that for a woman, it is the equivalent to having PMS mood swings times 100 and then times that by another 100 and you still won't have it. And to men; learn that you will be the pin cushion and just take my advice, leave the country now.

Super Power Nose

It is common for pregnant women to have a heightened sense of smell. It sounds like a neat idea and something I actually hoped I would experience. The problem was that the things I were smelling were making me sick. I could never seem to get my oven clean enough and I could smell the bacon grease from my neighbor's house across the street. Normally I love bacon, but apparently the baby did not. There was only one room in my house that I couldn't smell it from; I spent 4 weeks jailed up in my bedroom.

I Can't Breath!

I had never heard of this but it is quite common for pregnant women to experience a stuffy nose. But when you have a baby in there pushing on your lungs, you literally feel like you are not getting enough oxygen. This was a scary feeling for me as I constantly felt on the verge of passing out. It gave me some new respect for those who deal with asthma on a daily basis. Next to "morning" sickness, my stuffed up nose was my biggest complaint with being pregnant. I highly recommend stocking up on a supply nasal strips.

Constipation

As if you already don't have enough going on down there, constipation is a major problem with pregnancy. I never realized just how bad this can get. It didn't seem to matter how much fiber I had, how many prunes I ate, or how many stool softeners I took; I was forever dreading the number two. I know this is too much information to be discussing but you need to know about this issue if you plan to have a child. I think this was nature's sick way of preparing me for child birth because with all the straining and pushing I had to do, when I finally finished the deed, I felt like I should name it.

Gas

I had heard that pregnant women might experience some bloating and gas. Ha! I was chewing on gas tablets like they were candy. There was more than one occasion where my poor husband had to leave the room at night. On one hand, I think we take for granted all the things these poor men must put up with during pregnancy; on the other hand, it was nice to get a little revenge on him for a change.

I Want My Chicken Sandwich NOW!

I actually found pregnancy cravings to be quite funny. Again, my poor, poor husband was stuck in hell. I seemed to crave a different item every night and the sad soul would have to run out and get it for me. At the time of my cravings, we were living in another country and I kept craving these chicken sandwiches from a fast food restaurant back home. Of course they did not have those there and no other chicken sandwich would do. I just didn't eat for almost a week because I couldn't stomach anything else. I guess I shouldn't complain though, a pregnant friend of mine kept craving dirt!

I Used To Be So Modest

When I first got pregnant I was very concerned about all of the trips I would have to make to the doctor. I was terrified of those exams and was really hoping I could skip all that during pregnancy since I was very modest at the time. Yeah, that all goes right out the window. And by the end of your pregnancy, they have you going in there and facing the stir ups at least once a week. I think the only reason they do this is to prepare you for what is coming up at the hospital. The worst thing is, by the time you get towards the end of your pregnancy, it's not always so easy to reach certain areas to keep them trim. I was too embarrassed to ask my husband to help and too mortified to get a professional waxing when others suggested I do that (Are you guys crazy?). In the end, it was like an Amazon jungle down there and I still fear my doctor prays I never go back again. Let's just hope I'm not the only one who went 70's style.

Eeeew!

Speaking of embarrassements, there are so many things about pregnancy that just make you say, "Ewww!" And I had never heard of many of them. Not getting your period is great I will admit, in fact, it's probably the best thing about pregnancy aside from actually having the baby. But there are all kinds of gross things going on down there. Just the name "mucous plug" freaks me out. What is this thing and why had I never heard of that before getting pregnant? It is a big, boogery, glob of mucous and blood that plugs up your cervix, it usually comes out right before you go into labor. Lovely.

Incontinence

Yes ladies, stock up on the granny diapers because you may very well need them. It's bad enough that throughout the pregnancy you have to pee every 5 seconds, and then when you do go, you need to go again. I thought women only had to pee a lot when they were in the third trimester. Nope, that lovely feeling starts almost right away and doesn't end. What you do get in the last trimester is a little pee action when you don't mean too. Definitely keep some sort of protection on you because every time you laugh, sneeze, hiccup, or just look at someone the wrong way; out comes a little trickle.

Where Are My Ankles?

I had heard pregnant women can get swollen feet but I had no idea. I didn't even have much of a problem with it until my last 2 weeks of pregnancy. I bent over to make sure my feet where still there and suddenly my ankles had completely disappeared. My feet looked as though they should be in a freak show. I was one of the lucky ones who didn't find it painful so for me it was more of a strange oddity. I was more intrigued than anything else and kept saying to my husband, "Look honey, I think my ankles have surpassed my thighs!" He didn't seem quite as amused as I was.

Elephant Hips

I went in to the doctor complaining of all the pain I had in my hips. He explained that your hip bones actually separate to make room for the baby to come out. I began picturing the scene in Alien where that thing pops out of her stomach and wondered if this kid planned on doing that through my pelvis. It sure felt like it anyway. The doctor suggested I buy some extra pillows and place some behind me and some in between the legs. By the end of that pregnancy I had so many pillows around me that there was no room left for my husband. He got the couch. As I said before, we don't always give them enough credit for what they go through.

Pregnancy Dreams

Being pregnant gives you some freaky dreams. Sometimes they were bad and I would dream of scary things happening with the baby. But mostly for me, the dreams were good. And when I say good, I mean...good! For some reason, I kept dreaming about George Clooney who I had never really thought much about before. Needless to say, I am a big fan of his now.

So with all of these horrible things that happen to pregnant women, why do they go through with it? Let me just say that as terrible as these things sound, they really aren't so bad. Yes it is rough, but I think knowing what is at the end of tunnel makes the journey there much easier to bear. It is sort of a rite of passage you go through and you actually tend to enjoy things, for the most part anyway. After having my son now I often ask myself if it was worth it. And of course it was! Maybe I just like to torture myself but I quite often miss pregnancy and wish I could go back in time to relive it all. At any rate, at least you know the truth now of what pregnant women experience. And I hope you do get to experience it because it is the best thing on earth.