The Twelve Worst Reasons to Have Children

It's just what you do after you get married. -- Is it? You also eat, work, live together, move to a new house or apartment, argue, make up, and grow old. But how and where you do all of those things is by choice. Having children is a choice also. Maybe it's not for you, at least not today.

My parents want grandchildren. -- Was guilt a major factor in how you were disciplined and raised as a child and teen? If so, consider whether a parental guilt trip is pushing you to have kids. Be very honest. Try holding off until you are certain that you wholly own the decision.

Having a child will prove that I'm a real man to my friends. -- Having children to prove that you're a virile, fertile stud is a sure sign of insecurity in yourself as a human being. Ladies, having a child to prove to the world that you can be a caring and loving mommy is no less a sign of personal insecurity. Work out your personal problems before using a pregnancy as a pseudo therapist.

We need to have kids to carry on the family name. -- What kind of legacy are wanting to leave when you die? If you think that your ideals and morals are so high and mighty, then why not distribute them yourself? Don't expect your kids to live out your dreams (or egotistical fantasies). If your family legacy is so valuable, then why won't you be remembered for it? If you've elevated yourself to this status, then chances are that your children will never live up to your expectations. They will strongly resent you for it.

It would be fun to have a baby around the house. -- Yes, a child in the house can be fun and exciting, but along with it comes feedings and diaper changes at all hours of the day and night. A colicky child can deprive you of night after night of sleep. They don't stay babies forever. After they start walking, your house (by necessity) becomes toddler proof. Meals can be messy. Your daily schedule must be adjusted to include the attention span and nap schedule of a little one. When they enter school, your clock must change again to include their routine. It's a twenty year course adjustment that begins when they are born.

We have two girls, now I want a boy. -- Playing a gender balance game with pregnancy can be risky. So if you are able (I said 'if ') to have a boy after the two girls, then will you give less attention to the girls when he's born? If you think that's absurd, then why would it be a factor when deciding to get pregnant in the first place? And if you ever accidentally let the girls know why you got pregnant again, they might resent you, or feel as if they are somehow a disappointment to you.

We should have another baby so that our other child has someone to play with. -- Children are not dogs. Having another to keep the first one company is something you would do with a pet to keep it from tearing up the couch while you're at work. If you need a companion for your kid so badly, then maybe you should take a long look at your parenting skills, or lack thereof.

Joe and Mary are starting a family. Maybe we should too so that our kids can grow up together. -- Just because you and your best friends do everything together, why would you assume that your kids will want to as they age. Every child is an individual. Do you plan to dictate the rest of their lives in such a stringent manner also? Will you want them to eat the same foods or wear the same clothing fashions?

All of my siblings have kids. I suppose we should too. -- Feeling left out? Fearful that you will somehow be left behind, or no longer a part of the family or group? That's a personal issue that should be worked through before having children. Families can bring a lot of pressure and guilt to bear. The decision should be yours and yours alone.

Our marriage isn't the best. This will bring us closer together. -- Maybe, usually not. Although everyone surrounds you with best wishes and says sweet things about your new child, will they be there when the baby keeps you up all night because he has his first cold? After the excitement and anticipation of the birth has worn off, will you be able to endure the stress that having a child can bring on? Your social life is diminished, your sex life is often diminished, and your bank account is certainly diminished. If you are already having problems, bringing an innocent child into the mix nearly always adds more stress, and the child is usually the one that suffers.

If we don't have kids, we are being selfish. -- Don't guilt yourself into this one, or let your well meaning neighbors and family do it to you. Having children is a very personal decision. Some people just don't want to have kids. Admit it, it's okay. If you would rather contribute to your time on this earth by offering us one of your other skills or gifts, then do that instead - proudly, without guilt.

Our religion dictates that we have kids to expand the denomination. -- How about imparting love and caring to everyone you meet in your daily life? Won't that spread the good word faster than anything else? A religious sect that guilts you into having children, is working toward it's own survival, not the salvation of humanity. And did you notice that you only hear the success stories and not the tales of those who are now dealing with the daily grind of a large family, and are likely attending church somewhere else, if at all. Pressure such as this can result in financial ruin and daily hardship for those who feel that they should have kids because a higher authority has ordained it.

In conclusion, the decision to raise a family is a very personal one, not something that should be dictated by external forces. Remember that outside influences can be internalized and manifest themselves as guilt or other unconscious motivations. Know yourself first, then decide whether you have what it takes to bring a child into an ever changing and challenging world.