The Type of Mom You Are Will Likely Shape Your Child's Sense of Well-Being

There are many different types of moms out there and all of them have their advantages and disadvantages. How you parent your children may have a tremendous affect on their psyches and may even help to shape their personalities in a good way or a bad way. As most mothers strive to be "good" mothers, how does one find the right "fit" for your child?

Let's take the Authoritative Type of mom. This is the mom who is usually a bit stand-offish from her child. This is the mother who believes, "I am the mother; you are the child. You do what I say. Period." The problem with this style of parenting is that it can give your child the impression that he is out there all alone with very little love. He may do what you say to please you or he may do the opposite to get attention from you, as children thrive on attention, even if they have to get negative attention instead of positive attention. The other problem with this strategy is that it puts a huge barrier between you the mom, and your child. Very often this child will be lonely and looking for some way to fill his or her void. This style used alone is not good.

However, the benefit of the Authoritarian Type is that it gives the child clear boundaries. All children need boundaries. They have to know the rules and the lines that are firmly placed in accordance to the rules. Children need to be able to expect consistently the consequences of their behavior, be it good or bad. The Authoritarian usually makes it very clear what the child must and must not do and usually follows through with the reward or discipline.

The key in implementing this style into your hopefully mixed style of parenting is establishing clear boundaries and than consistently sticking with the consequences that are set. Deviating from this is harmful to any child because unconsciously children believe that "If you don't give me boundaries, you don't care about me." As children will grow up to have to conform to the laws of society, structuring boundaries and firm consequences are vital to a child's health and aptitude as an adult.

How you use your power in the Authoritarian Style is the general indicator of whether you truly care about and love the child or if the child is a pain in your neck and you just want to use your power as a bigger, louder, stronger adult to make your child obey you and then get out of your hair. This kind of attitude will kill the spirit of your child. So as stressful as your life may be, taking time to listen to your child, empathize with your child, and be involved with your child's interests is a great way to balance being the child's authority figure and being a gently loving constant in your child's life.

Now I'll talk about the Permissive Type of mom. Mothers who are permissive are usually overworked and are stretched to the maximum, stress-wise. Therefore when her child comes to her with a request, it is easier to say, "Sure," than to take a stance and say "No, that is not in your best interest." Children who do not have well-established boundaries (and most don't), will then manipulate, beg, or insist on getting his/her way in the matter. So, even if the permissive mother does try to say no, often the verdict will be overturned because the battle is just too stressful. In the short-run, that works out well for both parties. In the long-run it is a disaster.

For example, moms who know their kid had some orange juice and hour ago and now is begging for an ice cream cone must be told "No, that is too much sugar" (if you even wish to explain your decision), and then that decision must stick. If it doesn't, the child is taught that manipulating, begging and insisting will net him/her what he/she wants. The battle will persist every time which will in tern increases the stress of the mom and increases the confusion of the child regarding his/her boundaries.

The advantage to being the Permissive Type of mom is that you get your short-term needs met. So, there is an exception to the rule of sticking to your guns. If you, as a mom make a decision, and after thinking about it for a few minutes (as long as there is no manipulating or begging from the child), and you believe you made a bad call, there is nothing wrong with changing your mind. This should be the exception and not the rule. You can say, "I just told you that you couldn't have an ice cream cone, but you were so nice not to try to manipulate me, and since we are going to play at the park now, I have changed my mind. I think an ice cream cone would be a good idea." If you don't do this very often, your child's reaction should be one of pleasant surprise.

The mother who plays the Friend Type of role is playing with fire. You are not your child's friend. You are your child's loving shepherd, role-model, guide, and caretaker, but not his/her friend. A friend is some one who is generally on an equal power status as yourself. If your child is your friend than you will have a child who will make demands of you and who will take advantage of you. This is almost worse than the Permissive Type of Mom.

The only aspect of a friend that should be implemented in a parent/child relationship is the part of active communication. Friends communicate well, ideally. Parents and kids should do the same. Asking your child about his day and listening to him/her tell you whatever is on his/her mind is so very important. You can tell them about your day as well as long as you are careful not to put your child in the counselor role. That too, is a disaster. Do not seek counseling from your children! You will end up in such a dysfunctional mess, you won't know who has what power and where any boundaries are, as everything gets confused when you started laying out your problems to your children.

While it is fine to tell your child, "I feel frustrated because I got a flat tire today." They can understand that. They may even be able to relate to that. That is role modeling communicating feelings. However you go over the line when you make a statement like, "I feel angry because your dad and I just got into a big fight." Now the burden of resolving your problem has shifted to their little shoulders and that is way too much for any child to hear. A mother's personal relationship with others should be off the table of discussion with your children.

The Democratic Mother is also a problem when the vote on the table involves heavy or intense emotional issues such as, "Let's take a vote on how we should spend our last $20." That should not even be up for discussion with your children. That is your call as a Mom. However, giving your children the option, "Would you rather go to Central Park or All Children's Park - let's take a vote." That's no problem, and in fact, that will empower your kids. Allowing your child to make a choice when given two viable options that will affect him alone is also great. Taking a democratic vote when the result is not a heavily weighted decision is fine. The key is to ensure that the democratic process is conducted by the parent in a chain-of-command type of process, and that either way, the resulting verdict will be acceptable to all.

The Academic Type Mother is great as far as empowering your kids to achieve, but the fall back is that children often get the message that they have to achieve in order to be loved by you, the parent. Moms have to differentiate to their children loving them for who they are versus hoping they will study and make good grades so that they will feel good about the process. Inferring that their grades or their career will determine their self-worth is disastrous to the psyche. Likewise, moms who are always teaching their kids are great as long as the mom understands that she too should be the student as well. Parents can learn a lot from their kids and kids delight in telling you what they've learned in school. Teaching is much like a sponge. You can tell your kids everything you know but then you'll be all squeezed out. You have to absorb new information and knowledge again before the teaching process begins. Absorbing knowledge from your kids can be a really fun experience.

The Working Mom Type is positive because it role-models the fact that in society, it is prudent to work so that bills can be paid. However, complaining often and putting guilt-trips on your children is a temptation of many working moms. It should be resisted, though, because children need positive attitudes from their parents no matter how negative you may feel. Putting guilt trips on your kids will build resentment in them that is often difficult to heal.

The key to making this type work is to still take time from work to genuinely engage, without distraction, in your kids and their thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. Very often I see parents at the park who spend the entire experience on the phone while the kids are off playing by themselves. This sends the message that my work is more important than you. It is a very delicate issue. Telling your child, "Right now I have to work so we can pay the bills but tonight at 7:00 pm we will have Mommy-kid time." Then follow through. Turn off the television and either read to your kid, play a game with your kid, or just be quiet and listen to whatever comes out of your child's mouth. It's amazing how good of a parent you can be when you just are quiet and listen.

Mixing these types to take advantage of the best aspects of them is ideal. Being a mother is a difficult job, triaging responsibilities of all types, but showing your children the message that you truly care about them by making eye-contact and giving them your undivided attention often is incredibly important. I've noticed myself, that when I get selfish with my needs and my time, the kids do things to get negative attention. That is my red flag to put down whatever I'm doing and give them positive, undivided attention and lots of individual time. The more time you can give them, the healthier they will be. Children are only young for such a short time and we as moms have got to cherish every moment of it!