The Ultimate Guide to Weight Loss

This multi-chaptered article is about losing weight.

This is the introductory page.

Most authors of diet books waste your valuable time droning on and on about outlandish theories and techniques.

This article does not waste your time. In fact, we here at the Ultimate Keep-It-Simple Laboratories have done our best to make this book readable within two minutes. Why? Because research shows that reading, although a pleasant activity, does not burn any calories.

Let's begin, shall we.

Chapter One: Don't Eat Too Much

Stop eating so much food. When you eat too much food, you gain weight.

Chapter Two: No really, put down the turkey leg and stop eating so much.

That's right, chubby. You'll have to cut down on the Double-Stuffed Oreos and Milkshakes for breakfast.

Chapter Three: How do I know what foods I should eat?

Here's a tip: If it tastes really, really, really good... It's probably fattening. Don't eat too much of that stuff.

Here's another tip: Try eating some vegetables. They are good for you.

Chapter Four: Exercise

Yes, tubby, to lose weight you'll have to exercise. If you want to throw away money on a Bowflex or a swimming pool or a gym membership, be our guest.

But there are lots of cheap ways to exercise. Why not save money, and go do those things. You know, running, push-ups, sit-ups, long walks on the beach. Whatever physical activity you like to do, go out and do it.

Chapter Five: How Do I Know When I've Exercised Enough?

Exercise to the point when you get tired or worn out. Do just a little more exercise after that point, and that should be about right.

Push yourself. But don't kill yourself. Otherwise, I'll probably get sued by your family.

Chapter Six: What if I don't like to exercise?

Too bad, Bubble-butt. You have to move around and expend energy in order to lose weight. That's just how it works.

Chapter Seven: Isn't there a Miracle Diet out there that will make this whole process easier?

No. Sorry, Love-handles. Looks like you'll have to put down that Krispy-Kreme and hop on that treadmill.

Chapter Eight: Why Should I Lose Weight?

Maybe you don't need to lose weight. People come in all shapes and sizes. Besides, America is far too fixated on body image as it is. What matters is what's on the inside...

(And depending on your level of obesity, what's inside is a beating heart working overtime because is covered with extra layers of fat. But who wants to live forever, right?)

Perhaps you just have big-boned, or perhaps you enjoy being fat. If so, put this book down, dash out into the world, and celebrate your largeness with an ice-cream bar dipped in bacon grease.