The Ultimate Movie Basketball Team: Fictional All-Stars

Why is it that no one can create a good movie about professional basketball?

Baseball has a million films that pull you in emotionally (Field of Dreams, The Natural) or comedically (Bad News Bears, Major League). Similarly, football either aims for your proverbial heartstrings as well (cue the Notre Dame faithful... Ruuuuudy! Ruuuudy!), or they go straight for the jugular: Varsity Blues, Friday Night Lights, The Longest Yard). Hockey has Slap Shot. Soccer has Victory. Even boxing, which is now about as relevant to American sports-watchers as badminton, has an iconic character to call its own.

But what happened to basketball? The supporting actors are more grounded; the announcers are tamer; the coaches are less haunted. Every single movie about my favorite sport a solid 45 minutes of filler time developing characters that, quite frankly, you and I don't care about. Well, I'm going to solve that problem today. I've composed a roster of my favorite players and personalities from all the different basketball movies out there. You get this group of 12 guys together, and I guarantee you've got a film worth seeing. So let's make it happen, Hollywood.

Point Guards
Sidney Deane, White Men Can't Jump. We could go on all day with the Sidney vs. Billy Hoyle debate, and I'll agree that they're probably equals offensively. But Sidney was the better passer, he always defended the most athletic opposing player on the court, and (of course) he could jump. Sidney reminds me of a young Steve Francis in this film -- he's like a guard dog. Always attacking, attacking, attacking.

Quincy McCall, Love & Basketball. Oddly, when Wesley Snipes was too expensive to retain for Major League II, he was replaced as Willie Mays Hayes by Omar Epps. And now here I am, 14 years later, putting in Epps when Snipes needs a rest. It's the Circle of Life, except without any dead lions. Is it cool to admit that I got a little choked up when Epps beat Sanaa Lathan in that game of one-on-one for his heart, and then she's starting to cry and walk away, and then he stops her and says "Double or nothing"? I'm going out on a limb here and declaring that as the best romantic scene in any basketball film ever filmed. Even better than those shiver-inducing scenes between Gene Hackman and Barbara Hershey in Hoosiers. Even better than Kevin Bacon making out with a nun in The Air Up There. Even better than Ray Allen's threesome in... hey, come to think of it...

Kyle-Lee, Above the Rim. Nobody's ever heard of this movie, but I actually enjoyed it more than all but a couple of the films on this list. It's a bit like Boyz n Da Hood, except the protagonist (former real-life Knick Duane Martin) is trying to get to college on a basketball scholarship. The supporting cast is filled with recognizable faces giving decent performances (particularly Tupac Shakur, Bernie Mac, Marlon Wayans, and Leon), and the basketball scenes are fairly well done. The soundtrack kind of rules -- most of the tracks still hold up. If you don't smile when you hear the opening chords to the song "Regulate," then I don't want to know you. I guess what I'm saying is that if this movie shows up on TNT at 1:30 AM tonight, I'll be awfully tired when I get to work tomorrow morning.

Shooting Guards
Jake Shuttlesworth, He Got Game. If I wanted the best team available, I'd have slotted his son Jesus in the backup small forward spot. But let's face it -- Ray Allen was just unwatchable in that Spike Lee movie. Denzel Washington, on the other hand, hangs out with Jim Brown, finds a prostitute who looks like Milla Jovovich, and generally seems to be an okay guy (except for the part about killing Mrs. Shuttlesworth). He'll be ten times more entertaining on the end of our bench than Ray-Ray.

Lewis Scott, Celtic Pride. Sometimes I suffer a bit from "rosy retrospection" -- a phenomenon where you remember things as better than they ever actually were. It's most common among Bears fans and Republicans, but it happens to all of us from time to time. If you say "Dan Aykroyd," I think of Ghostbusters and "The Coneheads" skits on Saturday Night Live. With Daniel Stern, I think of Home Alone and City Slickers. Damon Wayans was hilarious on In Living Color, right? Well, go back and try to watch Celtic Pride. This movie was awful. The script was crap, the actors were just mailing in the performances, and even the celebrity cameos were a little weak. But Scott could ball, and he could talk serious trash with the crowd. That's why he's getting my nod here for garbage time in the backcourt.

Kenny Tyler, The Sixth Man. For what it's worth, I understand that Marlon Wayans' character wasn't particularly good at basketball. But Tyler has divine intervention on his side, in the form of his brother's ghost (played by Kadeem Hardison). Frankly, I don't even really need Kenny on the team. I want to pay the ghost to assist the other players who are actually on the court. If the ghost balks (I don't even really know what I'd offer him), I could always through Kenny out there in mop-up situations.

Small Forwards
Jimmy Chitwood, Hoosiers. Hey, it's tough projecting what position Chitwood would play when he's fully grown. I see him as an Adam Morrison-type: unquestionably intense in the clutch, gifted natural scorer, irreparably awkward-looking jab-step/fadeaway combo. We've got phenomenal ballhandlers on this team, and I have no doubt that Chitwood's spot-up jumper will wreak havoc on the opponents.

Jamal Jeffries, Juwanna Mann. I should probably be ashamed to have even seen this movie. I should be even more ashamed that I find Miguel A. Nunez to be more attractive in drag than most actual WNBA players. Either way, dude could ball, and we're getting to the point in the list where I'm thinking about adding Li'l Bow Wow from Like Mike and wondering if Air Bud or characters from Baseketball would be considered eligible.

Power Forwards
Scott Howard, Teen Wolf. I know, I know -- Michael J. Fox is only four feet tall. How could he possibly play power forward? But apparently you've managed to forget: he's a freaking werewolf. There's a scene at the end of the movie where the star player of the rival high school (Mick) is just standing on the baseline during a free throw, trying to psyche out our hero. I was in elementary school when this movie came out, and I remember how much it bothered me that the referees wouldn't call a lane violation on him. Now keep in mind that I'm watching a movie about a werewolf playing high school basketball. The team's center was as pasty and round as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, and he's dropping sky hooks like Kareem throughout the last reel. Michael J. Fox actually crosses his arms when he shoots free throws like he's trying to throw a no-look pass to his bench, and I don't bat an eyelash. But let a kid commit a lane violation, and I'm apoplectic.

Jackie Moon, Semi-Pro. It looks like we're going to have an undersized frontcourt. But that's okay, because somebody has to spend the money to bring these guys together, and I think that man is player/owner Jackie Moon. While he might not be the most effective player on the court, he will come up with the best lines in the locker room. "Use small children as shields! Bears like soft, tender meat!"

Centers
Saleh, The Air Up There. When you've got a team that's loaded offensively like this one, you can afford to import a raw project like Saleh. He'll defend the rim viciously, he gets nuns all hot and bothered, and (most importantly) he won't take up much salary cap space. Yes, the center position is this weak.

Neon, Blue Chips. Frankly, I wanted to go with Ricky Roe, the farm boy with the legendary jump shot. But you can't pass up the opportunity to have two one-named centers on your roster. Especially when this one's portrayed by Shaquille O'Neal. If you think Shaq was a little salty about Dwyane Wade winning the Finals MVP a couple of years ago, can you imagine the quotes he's going to give the press when he finds out he's riding pine behind a rail-thin African tribesman?

Coach
Without a doubt, Eddie -- Whoopie Goldberg's oddly-named Knicks fan who won a promotion that allowed her to coach her favorite team for a game. She was so popular with the fans that they brought her back for another night, and she actually settled in with a rotation of hard-playing youngsters and crafty veterans. It turned out that the talent was there all along, but the management was just making horrible decisions. The only person in MSG who wasn't praying for this scenario to come true all last season was James Dolan.

So there it is: the ultimate movie basketball team. We'll be a little weak on the boards, but look at those horses! We'll be running fools out of the gym every single night. We might even break some league scoring records. If you think you see a glaring omission, please let me know in the comments section. But please, I already know the team could use a little more Woody Harrelson. I tried to limit myself to one player per movie, so Woody just got squeezed by Wesley Snipes and Will Ferrell. No shame in that.