The Unhappy Child

Childhood is expected to be the most memorable time in the life of a person. Experiences at this stage of development will set the foundations for success or failure. However, life is far from perfect, and a child's life could suddenly be affected by situations beyond his control, situations that will shutter his magical concept of life. His protected magical world comes to a halt and the harsh reality of life intrudes his existence bringing with it sadness and hopelessness that his young intellect is not prepared to deal with. "The Un happy Child" deals with the factors that can shatter the joy in a child's life, and it also offers solutions to alleviate the problem of an unhappy childhood. The aim of the book is to raise the parent's awareness that their attitudes, behaviors, and standards can, knowingly or unknowingly, impair their children's emotional development.

One very traumatic event in the life of a child is his parent's sudden separation. The concept of divorce is not something that a child's mind is ready to process. According to Christian author Iris V. Cully, "children are resilient, but change can be difficult" (1979, p. 105). But in spite of his or her resilience, when the child sees his or her parents increasingly at odds with each other, arguments increasing, and sometimes dad storming out of the house staying out for several days, this will impact his emotional state tremendously. The only structure that offers a child, not only a sense of belonging but a sense of safety also becomes shattered with the news that mom and dad are getting a divorce, greatly upsetting whatever sense of normality is left in his or her young life. The book's author came up with the phrase "a mismanaged divorce" (Condrell, 2006) to illustrate those divorces where parents in a very volatile emotional state bring to their children unnecessary emotional harm. Parents going through a divorce fail to understand that in a messy divorce the child is the victim. The child becomes, in many divorces, a bargaining chip. One of the parents uses the child to manipulate the other into giving into his or her demands. Also very common among divorcing parents is their tendency to use expressions such as, "your father (or mother) has left us. He (or she) doesn't love us any more" (Condrell, 2006, p. 27), with the intention of setting the child against the other parent, perhaps anticipating that this will have weight during the divorce proceedings in favor of one of the parents. In the mean time the child perceives this whole mess as his fault because he finds himself, or herself, right in the middle of it. In his book "Nurture the Nature', Michael Gurian makes a very valid observation: "I hope you look into your children's eyes and ask yourself, is there another way?" (2007, p.188). Is divorce the only alternative?

Another situation arises during the brake-up of the marriage that tremendously affects a child's self-esteem and self-worth. Suddenly, after the divorce, daddy has a new family. New children come with the new relationship. Quality time with his or her father becomes less frequent, and unwise comments by mom that he or she is no longer loved because daddy has a new family helps to drive the point of rejection across. "My dad pays more attention to his new children than to me. He spends most of his time with them, and when I come over, he barely spends time with me. And when we do spend time together, he brings along my 'new brothers.' It seems like he likes them better. He gives them stuff that I would like. He takes care of his second family of kids before he takes before he takes care of his first kids and he uses me for their babysitter" (Condrell, 2006, p. 29). This child's perceived rejection by his father has negatively impacted whatever sense of self-esteem.

The following pointers can help minimize the trauma of a separation on the child:

· When children of both marriages are together, parents need to be aware of facial expressions and body language that can be perceived by other siblings as favoring one child more than the other.

· Divorced parents need to pursue, or a least pretend to have a civilized interaction with each other for the children's sake.

· Of the utmost importance is to keep the line of communication with the children open after the divorce. Attend school presentations that the child is participating in. Also, make sure not to forget celebrations such as birthdays and other special occasions.

· During visitations, the children need to be reminded that they are loved. A child is never too old to be told how much they are loved. Express your love not just with words but with hugs and kisses.

· When confronted by the child with valid criticism, accept it and apologize.

· Do not badmouth the other parent in front of the child and most important, allow the children to grieve their parent's separation.

Another fact that contributes to an unhappy child is depressed parents. According to studies conducted by the Mayo clinic, depression is a condition that affects approximately 12 million U.S. adults (2008). In his internet article "When parents are depressed", Doctor Richard O'Connor explains that when a child is highly distressed, parents are most likely to be depressed (2006). Condrell explain that "parents set the tone for the entire family. If one or both parents experience depression, the entire atmosphere at home is affected and the children are sure to suffer" (p.43). When a parent is depressed, he or she will be unable to give the child the care and the nurture needed. The child in term develops a sense of guilt believing that he or she is the cause of the parent's misery. Parental depression can lead to child neglect. The child does not get the attention nor the help he or she needs to understand the challenges encountered during daily life, and the result is that the child feels unloved. This is the comment by an eight year old: "Sometimes I sit in school and daydream about my mom. It seems like she doesn't love me any more. She doesn't play with me any more. All she does is complaining. My mom used to be fun" (Condrell, p. 45).

The following suggestions may help minimize the negative effect of parental depression on the child:
· The child needs to know that parental depression is not his fault. Take the time to explain and to make sure that the child completely understands it.

· A parent that experiences depression needs time for himself or herself. According to Condrell, when a depressed parent takes some time off, he or she is doing the child a great favor (p. 48).

· When parents experience depression it is important to reaffirm family stability by having family meetings. These can strengthen relationships.

Another major contributing factor to an unhappy child is peer rejection and cruelty. Children need to have friends because friendships are important in a child development. By kindergarten, a child has developed about five friendships (Condrell, p.85). Children who are rejected by their peers become withdrawn, spending hours in solitary play. Peer rejection will also be manifested through a hostile attitude towards other children. The situation becomes worse yet when peer rejection comes accompanied by physical and verbal abuse. It is estimated that peer cruelty in American schools is at an all-time high and over 160,000 children are afraid to go to school each day (condrell, p.86). A child explained his experiences as follows: "It was awful. Everyday was hell. I hated going to school. The name calling was endless. I was called Dumbo ears, giraffe neck, faggot, queer, retard, injun, slope head, ass, bastard, looser, stupid, and coward. The teachers just ignored what the mean kids were doing and they didn't seem to care" (Condrell, p. 87). Another child who was blind also expressed his experiences of abuse by his peers: "Kids hid my clothes during gym so I would be late for class and then laughed at me because the teachers scolded me for being late. I never had a good year in school. They were all terrible. I felt like was nothing" (Condrell, p.87). After prolonged peer abuse, the abused child eventually begins to believe that the name calling and physical abuse is deserved, or that he or she brought it upon themselves and that it is their own fault. The damaged cause by peer cruelty and rejection may last a life-time, and in some case may lead to depression and eventually suicide.

The following steps may be taken in order to remedy the situation:

· Monitoring the development of the child's social interaction in the environment where he functions must be a priority in a parent's list.

· When the parent suspects that his or her child is being bullied, he or she should do some detective work, and take the appropriate measurements if bullying is taking place.

· If a parent detects a hint of hostility in his or her child behavior, the parent has to make sure to involve the child in social activities with other children, and make sure also that the child develops at least one friendship with another child.

· Finding a mentor for your child is also a great idea.

One family situation that contributes to an unhappy child is parental favoritism. The goal of every child is to be his parent's favorite child. Sometimes however, it is impossible for a parent to dedicate more time or show special attention for a child that has special needs like a mental or physical handicap. When a child perceives that a sibling is receiving more attention than he or she is, parents have to make sure that their children understand that they all are loved the same and that the sibling that seems to be favored more has special needs, and therefore, he or she requires more attention. When the proper time and effort is put into explaining a child the facts, the child will understand. When unjustified favoritism for a child exists, this will cause a child to withdraw, to develop a very low self-esteem, to become unmotivated, and eventually resentful. Other consequences of favoritism are self -loathing, self-mutilation, developing a victim mentality, chronic depression, becoming the "black sheep", mistrust for intimate relationships, alienation from the family, and predisposition to repeating the same trauma with future children.

These are steps a parent can take to alleviate the situation:

· A parent should do frequent self-examinations of his or her role as a parent.

· If during self-examination a parent realizes that he or she is guilty of favoring a child without a justifiable moral reason, then the parent should try to find the root of the problem and correct it immediately.

· Continually remind all children equally of how special they all are.

· If justifiable favoritism exists, a parent must go out his or her way to explain the other siblings the reasons why.

There are many factors that make a child unhappy. However to address them all would take more than an essay, it would take a whole book. I have just touched on some of the most relevant ones. The bottom line is that every day we follow a set of guidelines that we have set for ourselves in order to ensure that everything goes well and to avoid unexpected surprises. For example, we check the engine oil in our car, we make sure that unused lights are shut off in the house, and we take our daily vitamins to ensure a healthy life style. However, as parents we some times unknowingly neglect our most precious investment, our children. Ensuring a happy childhood is the best investment we can make for our children, for ourselves as parents, and for our country.

References
Condrell, K. N. (1990) The Unhappy Child: What parents need to know. New

New York : Prometheus Books.

Cully I. V. (1979)Christian Child Development. San Francisco CA: Harper and

Row Publishers.

Gurian M. (2007) Nurture the Nature: Understanding and supporting your

Child's unique core personality. San Francisco CA: Published by Jossey-

Bass.