The Unseen Linguist's Guide to Singing

I like to peg myself as a fairly comparable song hawk(which is the more manly version of a song bird). I can croon with the best of 'em when in the privacy of my own bathroom. It wasn't always that way though. I used to be a horrid singer in my own right. I developed a surefire system for improving ones sing voice. I would have like to provide such information with a fee attached, but funding for such an endeavor has proved quite difficult to acquire.

How to Sing: Stay Hydrated.
Two and three quarters years ago, I started drinking one gallon of water after waking up in the morning. This die two very specific things. First, it make it difficult for me to get anything done, what with having to tend to my own bowel movements and all. Ever go wee for 12 minutes straight? That's my own personal best. Would have been longer, but my legs when numb, and I lost my balance.

It also ensured that I would be able to hit the high notes without straining my vocal cords too much. No real sacrifice needs to be made if you want to become a world class singer. I mean, if you don't eat a lot of salty junk food, then no notable sacrifices worth mentioning should be made. Corn chips reverse the throat lubrication process, and are the number one cause of internal bleeding in most Opera singers.

How to Sing: Learn Hand Leveling.
Hand Leveling is the act of moving ones hands up and down, in accordance to the pitch of their singing voice. Contrary to popular belief, people who use hand leveling are 100% conscience of how stupid they look while preforming this act. Pointing it out to them is rude and uncalled for.

Even though Hand Leveling looks ridiculous, it works, All amateurs should preform at least 25 minutes of intense hand leveling a day, for 3 months straight, in the middle of the parking lot of your local Wal-Mart. Becoming immune to embarrassment is a key step to being a great singer. It also brightens peoples day to see something as silly as a spastic hand leveler. Don't think of it as making a fool out of yourself, think of it as public service.

How to Sing: Look the Part.
People who sport a pair of DJ headphones everywhere they go give the impression of musical genius. If you too wear big headphones out in public, people will assume that you are always in the studio, making and editing new songs in your everyday life. Amateurish singing ability won't change this perception much.

Beware: some may also assume that you are a local disc jockey, and ask you to preform at a local party. This is a simple yet understandable misconception. Just make sure to pull out a not pad every once and a while, pretend to write down some lyrics while humming, and they should get the point..

How to Sing: Hire An Agent.
Agents are a fairly unappreciated asset to the up and coming entertainer. Yeah, they are useful when it comes to finding gigs, and getting your name out there. They also help your self confidence. Agents are the ultimate yes men.

You could the most tone deaf human being who ever existed. If you have an encouraging agent who's willing to blow an unlimited supply of smoke up your keister about your "unique nature ability" as a singer, you may end up tricking yourself, and everyone else in the world, that you can ,in fact, sing very well.