The Upside Down Christmas Tree Fiasco

I knew it was over when my boyfriend of three months showed me his new Christmas tree. He'd be antsy and excited the whole date, and when I finally asked him what he was so excited about, he said, mysteriously, "Oh, you'll see. You're going to love this."

That was when I started to worry. This was the guy who thought I'd love the teddy bear with the cupcake t-shirt that he'd made for me at Build-A-Bear, midnight trips to Wal-mart, and skydiving. I love none of these things, and I'd been thinking of breaking it off with him for a month. "Well, what is it?"

"It's at my apartment," he said, but refused to say more.

By the time we got to his apartment, he was grinning like a kid in a candy store, and I was terrified of what I might find behind his store, as he hustled me inside. Had he painted the whole apartment in a shade of pink to perfectly match my cheeks when I blushed? Had he thrown out all his furniture for hand-crafted Amish goods? Did he hire a dominatrix to teach me a lesson? (On second thought, that might not have been so bad...)

No. It was worse. He had succumbed to a fad that I hate worse that all the fads that have come before: he had bought himself an upside down Christmas tree. Worse, when I asked him why in the world he had bought it, all he could say was, "It's so cool! Don't you think it's, like, trippy?"

Trippy? No, I did not think it was trippy. I thought his upside down Christmas tree was the stupidest thing I had ever seen. I hate Christmas as it is, but this abomination was truly the pinnacle of everything I hate about the holiday season. He wouldn't tell me how much he'd paid for the thing, but I knew it was close to his monthly rent, if not more.

"There's more room for Christmas presents underneath," he said, hurrying to convince me that his tree was great. "And this is how they did it in medieval Europe."

They hung people in medieval Europe, too. Cut off their heads, practiced drawing and quartering on criminals, and treated women like sex slaves, but I couldn't say a word. Finally, after a few minutes, I turned and walked out of his apartment.

"Moira!" He came running after me, and for the first time, I noticed how dumb he looked in his cable knit sweater and stonewashed jeans. "What's the problem, Moira? I'll get rid of it, if you don't like it. I'm sorry! I just thought it was so awesome."

We tried to make it work after that, but soon after the holidays, our relationship melted along with the snow.

Some people think that an upside down Christmas tree is the coolest thing since icicle lights and light-up Rudolph figures, but I am not one of these people; however, if you are, here are ten decorating tips and ideas for having an upside down Christmas tree in your home:

10) First, check your oven. Make sure that no one has left the gas on, because I think you might be feeling the effects.

9) Oven electric or off? Install a carbon monoxide detector just to make sure there aren't any crazy chemical reactions going on inside your head.

8) Make sure none of your roommates or family members are smoking the wacky tobaccy in the house, cuz you are obviously stoned off your gourd.

7) Clear a space in your living room, since you are obviously determined to do this. You could, if you want to preserve a shred of your integrity, put the upside down Christmas tree in a little-used closet, or, if you have room, in the basement, but if not, the living room will be great for everyone who wants to laugh at you.

6) Google upside down Christmas trees to make sure you know exactly what atrocity you are about to commit. It doesn't matter if you think you are a) turning Christmas traditions on their heads in a blatant stab at the Christian right, b) recreating a 12^th century medieval trend of hanging Christmas trees from the rafters, or c) displaying your status as an innovator, by copying the hundreds of people before you who have thought this was a very clever idea, but doing it in a very uniquely you way. Upside down Christmas trees suck, no matter how you look it.

5) Still convinced you want an upside down Christmas tree? Schedule a check up with a mental health professional first, just to make sure it's safe for you to be out in public.

4) Fine. You really want to do this? Don't try to alter a regular Christmas tree by standing it upside down in its base. It ain't going to happen. You are going to either need rope, screws, or a whole helluva lot of gorilla glue to attach it to the ceiling. Try not to glue or otherwise maim your hands, though the world will thank you if you do. Or you can shell out a couple hundred bucks for a upside down Christmas tree with its own base.

3) Are you sure your oven isn't on?

2) String that sucker with the gaudiest lights, ornaments, and tinsel you can find. When you are finished, take a step back, admire your craftiness, then double the load. If you're going to do it, go whole hog.

1) Go back to the store and buy one of those 10 feet tall inflatable Christmas characters, because you know you are going to do it anyway, just get it over with. Buy Santa, a snowman, or a reindeer, I don't care. Heck, buy one of each if you gotta, just make sure to blow it up and install it in your yard immediately, this way your intelligent neighbors will know to steer clear.