The Value of Commitment in Marriage

A 28-year-old teacher who later married the woman he was living with said: "After a couple of years, I began to feel as though I was living in a void. Living together provided no future orientation. . . . We couldn't decide whether to buy a house or not, whether to spend our money on lavish vacations or to save for a family. Now, neither of us is free to pick up and leave, but the trade-off is that we can make plans."

A 34-year-old writer observed: "Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but the commitment of marriage makes me feel more secure. I've had so many relationships end with men just abruptly splitting, that worrying about whether J--- would take off, too, drained energy from my work. I love the comfort of having admitted to ourselves and the world that we intend to stick together."

True, total commitment in marriage does not cushion persons from problems. But it does help people to feel more obligated to work at resolving them and not accepting failure so quickly. As one husband who had quarreled continuously with his roommate before marriage said: "Since we've married we've been trying harder not to have fights. We're both making an effort. We're committed so there's no sense fighting about it. Before, we used to always threaten to break up, but we don't seem to do that now."

Dr. Nancy Clatworthy of Ohio State University (U.S.A.) found that couples who had not lived together before marriage were "just a little bit happier and more successful. There were fewer divorces." A study of 211 couples in Australia revealed that "cohabiters discussed ending the relationship . . . much more often than marrieds." The report observed that where there was a lesser commitment to the relationship there were "lower feelings of liking and love toward the partner as well as lower sexual fidelity to their partner than marrieds."

When Children Are Involved

What kind of relationship has been found best suited to the mental and physical well-being of children? Without a doubt, it is that of a stable two-parent marriage that provides affection, support and instruction.

Many who live together without marriage promise that they will marry if pregnancy results. But is an unplanned pregnancy a good foundation on which to build a marriage? All too often, when pregnancy results the partner refuses to marry. Is it really adult to stigmatize one's children with illegitimacy?

Evidence shows that, in general, children who know that their parents were not married, as with those who come from broken homes, grow up distrusting people. They are less able to form permanent relationships themselves, and may be very cynical about the value of love.

A loving father and mother make a huge difference in a child's development and stability. British child psychiatrist Arthur Graham said: "We have found no better way to raise a child than in a family setting, and all our efforts should be directed to reinforcing the ability of parents to do the job."

The indicators all point to one conclusion: the higher the commitment, the more likely the relationship will succeed for all involved. But why is this so?

Source: The Heart of Commitment: Cultivating Lifelong Devotion in Marriage by Scott Stanley (Author)