The Very Real Dangers of Internet Dating

There are two individuals in my life who are currently involved in internet dating; I have close relationships with both. In both cases, they are using the Internet to find romance - not companionship, not friendship, but someone to replace a former love now lost. Theirs is a cautionary tale.

We'll start first with John. John is a government employee in his late 50's with a secure job and a decent salary. His son is grown, and he's been divorced from his former wife for nearly eight years. He has health issues, including the subtle onset of MS. I could not, in all honesty, describe him as a handsome man. His hair is thinning, his skin pocked to a noticeable extent, his teeth yellowed and crooked. Nevertheless, John is a catch in the eyes of numerous women he's come into contact with on the net.

He started out on two dating sites with some success. In a chat room, however, he met a woman who is in her late 40's and also divorced. I have seen two photos of her. She looks...nice, average, dyed blond hair, just a tiny glint of desperation in her eyes that only a woman might detect. Her children are also grown, and she works as a restaurant hostess in her Midwestern town. Although he had had a number of 'matches' on the dating sites in which he enrolled (and for which he paid), John chose to pursue this woman. To date, he has driven from the east coast out to Indiana six times to meet with this woman. Sometimes, they've met halfway geographically. Twice, he was so besotted with her need to see him that he drove out there on the spur of the moment to assure her that he wasn't 'cheating' on her. This relationship, if you can call it that, has been going on for seven or eight months now. Yes, they have had sex. Yes, he has met her immediate family. Yes, she now has become a clinging vine who needs constant reassurance that John isn't seeing other women either in person or on the net. She wants to know what chat rooms he has visited. She wants to make sure that he has canceled his membership in the dating sites (which actually held some promise and I felt were much safer than the random 'meeting' he had with this woman.) She calls at least once a day. He calls at least once a day.

Why do I worry? John still has several more years to go before he can retire. When he does, he will have a very nice pension and benefits. The woman in question is unwilling or unable to relocate to the east coast, unless he pays for her to move. It is a 'romance' based on the physical passion of a man who frankly hadn't had sex in a while and is overwhelmed by what he believes is love. Yet...John is unwilling to totally commit to this woman. Thank God, he is wary enough to hold off on trotting his little filly out to live with him here, several hundred miles away. Together, they may have spent the total of ninety hours together.

Do you know if you're truly in love at 58 after spending ninety hours with someone?

John wrestles with her jealousy and insecurity on a daily basis, and continues, as time goes on, to question his own feelings. Why not, if you've found 'the one', make the commitment? He's not getting any younger (nor any better looking, or financially secure). He is a kind man, a devoted man, good at his job. I would wish him a lifetime of happiness with a woman who is also kind, devoted and a dedicated worker. I only wish that they had met under different circumstances, like a 'controlled' date through a dating service in this area, and had the chance to spend much more significant time together doing everyday, normal things together.

John has a very real problem on his hands. While he wrestles with a woman he thinks to be his 'dream girl', she lives thousands of miles away. Because of his feelings for his internet sweetheart, he is unwilling to pursue any kind of relationship with women who live in this area. The clock is ticking, and I hate to see him tie up those valuable hours on a relationship whose foundation pretty much lies on internet chats and telephone calls, and is destined to be that way for the foreseeable future...

Also in my life is a woman who is related by marriage, and who was suddenly and terribly widowed three years ago. She was forced into the position of having to take total charge of the family business after her husband's death, and is mightily struggling (and losing) the battle in these tough economic times. About a year ago, she decided to test the romantic waters by attending area 'socials' for singles and signing up for a dating service. Although twice married, she never had children or siblings, and is literally pretty much totally alone in the world. She is refined, intelligent, stubborn, set in her ways, tall, inflexible, and more than a little naive when it comes to interpersonal relationships. She lives just far enough away that I don't see or speak with her as much as I'd like or need.

She has gone on three dates arranged through an internet dating cite. All have been local. None of them has been even remotely successful. However, she considers herself lucky that she arrived home from each of them.

She arranged to meet at nearby, brightly lit restaurants. She drove herself to and fro, and made certain that she wasn't being followed every time. Each of the men she 'met' online was nothing like he'd described himself. The successful entrepreneur was a self-employed carpenter. The 'late 50's' gentleman was closer to late 60's and, as she described him, 'feeble'. She paid for her own meals (in two cases, eaten hurriedly), and only once did one of her 'dates' ask to pay for her meal. She refused to give out her telephone number to any of them.

All of the right information about herself had been plugged into the computer data bases. She described herself honestly and perhaps painfully. She didn't lie or exaggerate. The men who responded to her ads weren't nearly as truthful, or perhaps they were merely delusional. One of her dates did ask, through the agency, to go out with her again, a request that she turned down.

After the money and time invested, the lonely widow walked away with a lessened sense of self-worth and a smaller bank account. She had heard tales of other women in her situation who were even less lucky than she: those who had been stood up, those who ended up paying for their date's meal, those who were followed home by an unwanted guest. She considers herself lucky to have gone to the Internet looking for someone out in cyberspace who could brighten her day and floated out with her personal safety intact.

Is internet dating safe? Only if you follow all of the rules: meet in a public place, don't exchange personal information on the first date, view that first meeting as a 'getting to know you' interview of sorts. There are cases of women who have been psychologically and physically harmed and raped by men they met through the internet, usually not on licensed dating sites; the risk is very clear for women.

Is finding someone on the internet viable? Well, if you ask John, who literally 'stumbled' upon someone in a chance chat room meeting, it is. But the woman with whom he is infatuated may very well live a very different life - and be a very different person - than the one he has met a few times. Has he invested too much of his time, money and emotional well-being to walk away? I truthfully believe that he has. He is stuck in a "crush" on a woman who may or may not be who he wants her to be.

Meeting someone on the internet may be interesting, novel, intriguing and open up a world of possibilities. Taking that relationship steps further into reality - not so easy at all.