The Very Worst of Rock & Roll Christmas Music

In the abundance of modern day Christmas tunes available, it can be estimated that more than half are total crap. From obnoxious oldies to new atrocities (never listen to Ludacris' "Ludacrismas"), the seemingly endless playlist of tasteless holiday-themed nonsense contains more than a few stand-out performances in the rock category. But when it comes to the out-and-out worst of Christmas rock, one reviewer's opinion may serve as a cautionary word to the wise. Whatever you do this year, please try to avoid these lamentable tracks (and albums).

10. My Christmas List, Simple Plan

Not that one expects great, groundbreaking things from this crew of Cannucks, but this infantile catalogue of "things that I don't need" has the rabid commercial greed of "Santa Baby" and the bratty charmlessness of, well, Simple Plan and every other pop-punk outfit of its ilk, i.e., the early 2000's Blink-182 knockoff bands. And the lyrics don't even rhyme. There's nothing redeeming or remotely jolly about this saccharine horror, but since expectations of SP are low in the first place, the track gets the ass end on the worst-of totem pole.

9. Candy Cane Children, The White Stripes

Imagine the worst Christmas of your life--you know, the one where you were alone, broke, living in your car, or what have you. Now, write the song that corresponds to that period of justifiable self-loathing, and you have this despondent, creepy track to slit your Christmas wrists to. Merely listening to this song will make you wonder what right you have to be happy in the midst of a screwed-up world. The music itself would be fine were it not intended as a holiday song, but for Santa's sake, skip it unless you're comfortable with a lengthy suicide hotline chat afterward.

8. A Twisted Christmas, Twisted Sister

God bless Dee Snider, but this 2006 compilation of holiday heavy metal is a testament to Sunset Strip musicianship (not necessarily a glowing recommendation) as boozy bellowing meets two-dimensional (and just plain wrong) chord structures. The album definitely brings the energy of 80s metal to the table, but the lack of imagination and less-than-inspiring execution puts the "bomb" in "bombastic". Lita Ford is charged as an accomplice for providing backing vocals on "I'll Be Home for Christmas", and the band exacerbated the situation by releasing an accompanying DVD of music videos and staging a Broadway-style concert. Thankfully, an ice show and themed cereal have not yet surfaced. From the outside, the Twisted crew looks more hungry than merry.

6. Santa Baby, Everclear

The original tune that inspired this cover has led to countless interpretations; its track record in music history is hit-and-miss at best. The lyrics take an especially twink-ish turn in this tuneless version, which sounds as though it was recorded in a concrete bunker. One is tempted to write this track off as a buzz-induced prank, a joke that should have gone no further than last call at a Hollywood Hills Christmas party. Sadly, some jerk recorded it, and some more jerk DJs continue to play it, despite the laws of diminishing humor (the novelty of a "novelty" holiday song decreases exponentially with every year following its release; see "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"). Thanks a lot, Everclear.

7. Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy, David Bowie w/ Bing Crosby

Recorded for a 1977 Crosby Christmas special and released as a single in 1982, this marks the first of Bowie's grave holiday-timed missteps (the second of which ranks #1 on this worst-of list). The arrangement marries Crosby's old-school crooner schmaltz with a goofy obbligato part for Bowie and a Mantovani-esque bridge. Bowie later confessed he decided on the duet because he was trying to shed his freaky image; he reportedly hated the tune. These reports are confirmed by the look on his face during the 1977 recording; see it on YouTube.

5. Christmas Canon Rock, Trans Siberian Orchestra

Quasi-symphonic proggy group TSO has released several holiday albums. Unfortunately, most reviewers lack the masochism necessary to ingest enough TSO to damn the group's entire oeuvre; I myself will limit my comments to this typical track, which is thematically based on Pachebel's Canon in D major. The plodding, heavy-handed number is excruciating, devoid of melody, and anything but rock. And whereas Pachebel's classical original introduces enough variation to keep an otherwise repetitive theme fresh, TSO's rendition will have you fed up and begging for less within the first 60 seconds. Why this god-awful creation gets airplay may well be one of the mysteries of our age.

4. Back Door Santa, Bon Jovi

Criminally squeaky synths kick off this 12-bar blues tune that has as much to do with Christmas as does a hooker in an elf costume; and, like the aforementioned, it leaves one with a residue of dirty disappointment. A Clarence Carter original, the song has been rendered by several artists, but the Bon Jovi version is particularly lacking in merit. The guitar solo is lackluster, and the vocals, which are uninspiring throughout, become especially ridiculous during the lyrically brilliant refrain: "Ho ho ho ho, hey hey hey hey." One imagines this song being used to great effect at a divey rural strip club--and nowhere else.

3. Santa's Creepy Secret, Orgy

As I advanced in years, it slowly dawned on me that Santa wasn't real, but I never felt the need to write a god-awful industrial anthem about it. This track is a sonic goulash of distorted vocals, undistinguishable lyrics, boring beats, and droning synths. For those who do choose to look up the lyrics, don't expect an intellectual epiphany: "You'll get your Christmas wish/ When you sleep with a fish." Neither sexy nor spooky, this tune was released once on a compilation from L.A. rock radio station KROQ, and the DJs in charge (that'd be Kevin and Bean) ought to be ashamed of themselves for including such schlock.

2. Santamental, Steve Luthaker and Friends

It's metal! It's guitar! It's living legends! This album should have been epically awesome, but somehow, three rights have formed a grievous and unjustifiable wrong made all the worse by the immoral squandering of opportunity. Consequently, this entire album is to be avoided by everyone except G3 fans. The prog rock/jazz compilation is the brainchild of "legendary" (a.k.a., totally unknown outside guitarist circles) guitarist Steve Luthaker, best known for his work in that great session musician repository of the 80s, Toto. Although the album features Slash, Eddie Van Halen, and Steve Vai, the riffs are far from catchy or compelling. The smooth-jazz sensibilities of Luthaker sap the hard rock out of the solos, and we should all mourn the waste of these legendary axemen's talents.

1. Do They Know It's Christmas, Band Aid

Of all the atrocities committed in the name of a good cause, such as the Crusades and New Coke, this track is probably not the worst thing that could've happened. Nevertheless, this quickie single, which was concocted as a device to raise awareness and funds for Ethiopians struggling through the famine of the mid-eighties, is rife with flaws, from the ludicrously inaccurate lyrics describing Africa as a hellish wasteland "where nothing ever grows" to the utterly uncatchy melody and flat chord progression. Couldn't George Michael, Bowie, et al. have just taken a collection rather than subjecting the listening world to "clanging chimes of doom"? In short, good intentions aside, this is likely the worst Christmas-themed rock song ever and should be stricken from every compilation, every playlist, and all human memory. Instead, let us all make a donation to Oxfam and give the Kinks' "Father Christmas" a listen when we're in the mood for holiday political reflection.

And that's the crap end of the candy cane for Christmas rock. Fortunately, the airwaves (and the Internet) abound with far more palatable options deviating from the tried and true (and tired) classics and carols. Happy song-hunting, and good luck in compiling your holiday playlist!