The Walk

My feet glide across the smooth pavement, I'm not walking I'm strolling. Rust-colored leaves crinkle at my feet as I head off my familiar path into the unknown.

The rocky ground on this path makes it impossible to stroll. Rocks and dirt fly from my feet with each step. I try to look down the path to see where it leads, but large trees dressed in red, yellow, and orange block my view. Curiosity begs me to continue, but doubt enters my body and leaves me paralyzed with fear. My heart pounds against my chest chasing out the oxygen. I open my mouth wide and swallow the air while I run back to the safety of my path.

The familiar large rock cradles me as I sit with my head weighed down by shame. My eyes raise up long enough to send daggers down the mystery path. The daggers have no effect and the path stands as strong and mysterious as ever.

Two cardinals fly by and land in a nearby tree. They are camouflaged by the leaves. Their color reminds me of the red candy apples we made when I was young. The sound is soothing as they sing for each other. Soon they fly off down the mystery path, leaving me alone again.

Now it's too quiet. The only noise comes from leaves as they dance across the road. I wish I had company. It would be nice to have someone to talk to. Occasionally I talk out loud. My voice provides noise, but not comfort. "So much for the beautiful day."

Large storm clouds have crept in and blanketed the sun. I get up and try to race against the storm. Maybe I can make it back in time. It begins to drizzle, and I walk faster. Water begins to pour from the sky, and I realize I'm beaten. The wind slams the rain into my body. I walk with my head down, hoping I'm headed in the right direction.

I try to push ahead, but I'm no match for the wind. Finally I surrender and find shelter under a large tree. The ground is wet, but the branches and wide leaves provide some protection. With my knees pulled against my chest, and my head resting on my folded arms, I close my eyes and rock back and forth. The sound of the rain is hypnotic and soon I drift off to sleep.

I see myself with my mother; my foot is on the outside edge of a puddle. "You're going to get your feet soaked and wet." I hear her words, but they don't give me cause to stop. I jump as high as I can and come crashing down sending water flying everywhere. My mother isn't amused; she shakes her head and walks away. I smile and walk behind her enjoying the noise my shoes now make.
"Squish, squish."

My mother is getting further away from me. I walk faster to try to catch up. I yell "mommy wait." She doesn't hear me and disappears around the corner. I run, but when I get there she is gone. I stand alone and scared yelling "mommy."

The sound of my voice wakes me up. I look around and realize it was only a dream. My mother isn't here, and she isn't alive. It seemed so real. I could almost smell her perfume this time.

My sore wet body slowly rises. My arm is still asleep. My legs are stiff and my back aches. The wet clothes make it hard to walk as I labor down the road. I'm tired and just want to go home.

The last hill is up ahead. One more hill and then I'm home. I start walking faster. My arms pump back and forth trying to help my legs continue on. My thighs burn and want to stop, but they keep going as I charge up the hill. A couple of more steps and I'm at the top. Now right around the corner and...

Wait. This can't be right. I'm supposed to be home. I don't understand. Where am I? I go over the walk in my mind every turn, every step, it all seems right.

They say before you die your life flashes before you. For me it wasn't a flash it was a walk with a little bit of sunshine and a lot of rain. There was just enough rain for me to drown in.

Reality sets in and I realize I'm not in a park. I'm on a stretcher. There was never a walk. I hadn't forgotten the bottle of pills I took. I just didn't remember until now. I had taken all 37 pills; it took two glasses of water. I got in my car drove to the cemetery and lay next to my mother's grave.

I can feel the sun shining through the window as they close the ambulance door. The warmth feels good on my face. The ambulance starts down the street. They must have turned off the sirens, because I can't hear them anymore. I close my eyes tight. The light is so bright I can still see it. It's cold and I try to ask for a blanket but my mouth won't move. I must be dreaming again, because my mother is here and I swear I can feel her holding my hand. She's leading me down the mystery path, and this time I'm not afraid.