The War on Halloween

I know that soon the Christian soldiers of America will be gearing up to defend the baby Jesus against the War on Christmas -- cheered on by Bill O'Reilly, the Edward R. Morrow of their generation/demographic -- but what about the War on Halloween?

Is Halloween any less of an American tradition than Christmas? How is it that Christians can get so upset about the War on Christmas, pretending that the phrase "Happy Holidays" was invented last year by Hillary Clinton, but yet they feel free to challenge the hallowed traditions of Halloween by offering alternative "Fall Festival" and "Harvest Festival" celebrations at every church in the land? What kind of double standard is this?

I don't know about you, but for me dressing up as Spiderman and hitting the neighbors up for candy is just as important and fundamental a part of being an American kid as opening presents at Christmas. I mean, sure, if we had to choose, basic cost-benefit analysis would lead any kid to choose Christmas over Halloween. The benefits of Halloween -- bags full of candy -- require a lot of pavement pounding, and in hot, sometimes heavy costumes to boot; while the benefits of Christmas - presents -- are almost always worth more than Halloween candy on the open market and require only a modicum of de-packaging labor. The rational consumer of holiday goods will always value Christmas over Halloween.

But Halloween is still a time-honored tradition in America -- a separate and equal holiday. Evidenced, I would argue, by the fact that no kid ever shows up at your door on Halloween costumed as Jesus.

So why aren't we Americans mobilized and united as a people by the blatant attacks on the sanctity of Halloween? Why are we not as offended by those who want to celebrate a "Fall Festival" as we are by those who insist on calling a Christmas tree a "Holiday Tree?" Don't both euphemisms fall under the rubric of "political correctness" - that pernicious impulse to curb our sense of cultural entitlement out of respect for others who might be different and thus feel alienated? Such impulses are clearly un-American, as America has always stood for cultural exclusivity and righteous contempt for those who are different, and this double standard does nothing less than undermine our way of life.

So when the defenders of Christmas tradition insist that the phrase "Seasons Greetings" was coined by Sean Penn, let us agree, and then let us ask that they accord the same respect for the pagan traditions of Halloween as they demand be accorded the pagan traditions that underpin the concept of a "Christmas tree." Let's all agree to forget the embarrassing fact that the Christmas tree only exists today because early Christian missionaries convinced barbaric Germans that the triangular shape of the holy fir tree (Tannenbaum) symbolized the Trinity. The Tannenbaum also required the sacrifice of nine males every year. So the Christmas tree represents that wonderful moment when the Germanic barbarians were introduced to Jesus in a politically correct way that didn't require them to stop slicing the throats of nine teenage boys every year.

We see there is an ancient connection between Halloween and Christmas, and both holidays are revered American traditions. So, really, a war against one is a war against the other. All I'm saying is, give peace a chance.