The Weekend My Place Blew Up, I Had A Driver Named Pun, Met Chug Life and was Antiqued

The Weekend My Place Blew Up, I Had A Driver Named Pun, Met Chug Life and was Antiqued

I was hell bent on returning to Binghamton, NY one weekend and didn't give a fuck how it had to happen. My normal real estate on Binghamton's West Side where I crash was becoming increasingly unavailable thanks to Leatherslinger (who, a week before my plans of coming there, knew I wanted to come visit, didn't return a call, text message, email, death threat, brick through window nor harassing call at work, this will be discussed later), so I did what any rational-minded Binghamtonian would do. Took out an ad on Myspace entitled, "I need a Binghamton sponsor". One day later I had one ad response in the name of Pun, a friend who earned some good karma that weekend for putting up with my complete bizarre behavior while I'm drunk, my loud and obnoxious snoring and complete disregarding for anything at all. Well, he signed up for it, no good deed goes unpunished.

I hurriedly left work Friday and blazed my way to the bus in Port Authority and trekked to my native land. My mind was filled with diabolic visions of drinking uncontrollably and saying lewd things and eating spiedes, a Binghamton staple. During my delirium I was interrupted with the guy sitting next me trying to talk to me about Alpo and Rich Porter (Harlem drug kingpins) and these two crazy white dudes who were drinking and using drugs on the bus (which is fine). One was crazy enough to ask me if he could "listen to my ipod" for the rest of the ride, obviously he was met with a look of "it's not so much that I'm mad, I'm just real disappointed in you".

Once I touched down in Binghamton, I patiently waited at the bus station for my driver, Pun, to pick me up. I started a conversation with some random until Pun showed up. Much to my surprise, I saw a red mustang with illegal tinted windows park in front of the bus station. Pun jumped out of the car with a tuxedo on with a piece of paper that read "Mr. Search". I immediately stopped the conversation I was engaged in, threw on my oversized "bushmaster" sunglasses and quickly walked towards the car. The madness was to eventually ensue.

Some raw East Siders were holding court at a bar near downtown so I was promptly shuttled there by my driver. In the meantime I informed Pun as to what was about to transpire. "Pun, I'm probably gonna be really drunk for about 2 days or so, so I'm not entirely too sure what I will say, do, have done to me, or buy." He seemed to agree with this policy, given Pun and I used to engage in insane activity in our hey. We finally arrived at the bar, driver in toe along with bushmaster sunglasses. I attempt to open the door and before I can Pun has already opened it for me, so I decided to fully milk this idea of me being a celebrity. I walk into the bar and am greeted by "Look everybody it's Search!", I proceed to walk around the bar greeting everyone with a firm handshake proclaiming "L.A. is SOO Fucking crazy right now, I had to escape, y'know?". Pun bought me a Blue Moon, which is my Achilles heel of drunkenness, which then gave way to me screaming "LISTEN, I AM FROM L.A. AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!" to anyone who tried to talk. In addition to screaming that, I would belt out "I'M GETTIN MONEY, WHATS YOUR OCCUPATION?!!"Tin Man's sister was getting married and was at the same bar that night as well, celebrating her enslavery of her soon to be husband. And then, it happened, I was introduced to Chug Life.

Deranged Biker has said for years he was going to get "Chug Life"(similar to Tupac Shakur's "Thug Life" tattoo) tattooed on his stomach, I never believed he would do it. Until he pulled me aside and said "Search, I did it." I said, "Got those warts removed?" He replied "No, not those, but I did get Chug Life on my stomach" then revealed what has cemented the fact that he will never have a 9 to 5 job ever. Chug Life was embroidered on his stomach, "I have to get it filled in.," he said triumphantly. What I was about to witness next was borderline ridiculous. Deranged Biker began pulling his shirt up to women, demanding they touch the tattoo. I wasn't sure the strategy he was attempting to employ, but it definitely provided serious amounts of humor. This nonsense ensued for some time until it was time to storm downtown, I went to leave and saw Tin Man's sister and I said "hey you're getting married I went to a marriage a few months ago, good luck, my sister got married I'm not married or something...geez I'm drunk." I could feel the Blue Moon coursing through my veins and knew nothing good was going to come of tonight. Pun drove me downtown and offered to pick me up after the bar, which I found to be amazing, none of my friends would even offer such things. Primarily because, a. they are assholes and b. because they are drunks. Pun pulls up to downtown Binghamton and jumps out of the car and opens the door for me. A few drunk dudes are standing on the corner and are amazed by the fact a guy in a tuxedo jumped out of a car and opened the door for me. I leapt out of the car with sunglasses on and had what I call the, "the movie star conversation.":

Drunk Dude: Hey man that's a nice car, what kind of car is that?
Search: Man I don't even keep track anymore.
Drunk Dude: Hey I got this '68 Ols for sale, how much you will
you pay?
Search: Fuck man, you take cash? Pull this fucker up I want it
now!
Drunk Dude: Sorry man, its down in Rockland County right
now. But I want 10K for it.
Search: Tell ya what, why don't you drive that toy up here for
me…I'll give ya 15K.How's that sound?

I then met up with DB and Frannie(who discourages our deviant behavior). After hefty amounts of drinking and cursing, we encountered a group of girls. I started to tell them I was an agent for models in Chicago and was interested in having them over for a photo shoot. It could have been the fact I was slurring my words, or the fact I was in Binghamton…but these girls definitely did not believe that I was a modeling agent. DB introduced we start playing a game of grab ass with the patrons of the bar. Under normal circumstances I am for this idea, but this night I was exceptionally for this idea. Some highlights of this game included;

-DB being ballsy enough to grab some dudes butt who was standing near
me and trying to blame it on me.

-I took DB's hand and grabbed some girls butt with it.

I know some of you are thinking, "You are a real fucking jerk Search, why do you ruin peoples time out?". Well, if they knew they were going to be mentioned in my story, I think they would be honored and humbled by such an experience, so take it in stride. After growing tired of this game, DB decides to go back to the "touch Chug Life tattoo" game. The game started off slow until we found a taker, she initially was scared(rightfully so) at first then she agreed to our terms. I think she reacted out of fear, not actually respecting the sacrifice DB made for such an event. During the down time of the game, I would look at people through my mirrored sunglasses and scream "JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF, SERIOUSLY, JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF!".

I could feel the alcohol starting to catch up with my body and thought it was time to have Pun pick me up from this war scene. I was waiting for him to arrive while I kept pounding shots and drinking beers, which did not assist me in having my body become somewhat sober. Through the alcohol haze I could see someone saying something to me I couldn't understand, so I assumed he was arguing with me. I think he challenged me to a fight and I told him I had no intentions of going anywhere and if he wanted to fight I was fully prepared(I wasn't, if he hit me I probably would have thrown up on him). He eventually scurried away and Pun picked me up and rushed me away from the situation. From this point on I don't have a good recollection of, but Pun told me after the fact. Allegedly, I was singing a Tupac song on his stereo(I don't know any Tupac songs), and was saying erratic things he could not follow. I then arrived at his house, tried to eat lasagna his roommate made that was 4 months old(I ate a bit of it), ate some pretzels, fell asleep, woke up and went to piss while Pun was in the shower. Pun instructed me to not flush the toilet, I flushed the toilet and went back to sleep. Pun retaliated to my violent loud snoring and disregard with throwing baby powder on my face whilst I slept. This is known as antiquing, I didn't like it. Then, the next day I got a call from my roommate about my radiator blowing up in my room and all of my things being ruined. It sucked.