The Weight

It's 5 a.m. The weight of the world has arrived at my door, earlier than usual today. I didn't even have to wait for the neighbor's yappy dog to wake me up this morning - the predictably annoying daily alarm who yelps in conjunction with the rising sun. No, my eyes flew open on their own today, unable to withstand the taunting, poking harassment of the hovering cloud of worry and guilt that looms over my bed, over my head, there to remind me in my sleep what awaits me when I open my eyes. There really is "no rest for the weary," as the saying goes. Or maybe it's an exaggeration, but seems accurate in my experience.

I fell asleep with the light on again last night; therefore, its piercing brightness was there to sear my corneas as soon as my eyes flew open. It seems I fall asleep with the light on more and more these days -- a sign of exhaustion perhaps: Mental. Physical. Emotional. It has become a pattern that once my head hits the pillow I enter a catatonic, near vegetative state, shortly followed by a deep sleep; therefore, if my intention is to turn off the light I must do it before I lie down, otherwise the light will remain on for the duration of the night. It makes me question who I've become these days. After all, aren't I the same person who used to cover any sign of light, even the tiniest red dot on my stereo, because I couldn't sleep with any light on in the room? Who's this strange person I've become?

There it is again - that banging, clamoring, thundering reminder that interrupted my sleep. That stress, worry, doubt, frustration, guilt - that feeling of inadequacy. I wonder, how does one ever feel adequate when they're stretched to the limit of their ability or means? It's been a long, hard road. The bills to pay. The bills to juggle. The money lacking. The demands of life.

The weight of the world hovers over me - waiting to rest on my shoulders. But I will not let it. It will not win. I may be lacking in many areas, but I know where to turn. I turn to God. I pray. I ask Him to provide what I need. I ask Him to help me. I ask Him for strength. And you know what? He provides, He helps, He strengthens, and I make it. Somehow, I get through. And it gives me just one more reason to praise Him. To Love Him. To live for Him.

Yes, it seems that the stresses of life will never end - the bills will never go away, but lucky for me, neither will God. He will be there by my side through it all.

There goes that yappy dog again! Sigh... He will even give me the patience to deal with that! Praise God!